Richard I found this on the net or it was sent to me, I don't know if you've
seen this before but I thought it might help you with your cats.

Basic Rules for CatsWho Have a House to Run

DOORS:

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind
legs and
hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After
you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think
about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain,
snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS and RUGS:

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time,
get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When
throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's
bare
foot.

BATHROOMS:

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything --
just sit and stare.

HAMPERING:

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is
idle, stay
with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering."

Following are the rules for "hampering":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot
be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked
up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless
you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important
part.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting
needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is
to
hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the
humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First,
sit on
the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the
table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them
to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push
pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump
on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING:

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human,
especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
and
when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination
skills.

BEDTIME:

Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

PLAY:

This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so
you are
fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games
that
you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times.
If you
should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair,
immediately wash
a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans
every time.

CAT GAMES:"

"Catch Mouse":

The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are
their
feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be
the
most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been
able to
catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun
them
long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be
the
first to taste the Bed Mouse!

"King of the Hill":

This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier!
One
or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all
costs
from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development
of
unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

WARNING:

Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the
bed and
possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately
begin
purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens
to be
on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

TOYS:

Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this
means
that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged
when the
human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources
of
toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that
the
other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for
playing
hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and
dental
floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to
drag
them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a
newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should
be
killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to
make you
lose your Dignity.

PAPER BAGS:

Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be
the
same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the
crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to
and
including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat
you
may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack,
which
will usually result in a great Tag match.

FOOD:

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.
Eating,
however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have
two
ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must
be
fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for
getting
fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in
their
dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to
drink from.

d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to
attempt to
get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and
try to
leave.

e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling
to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food
as
lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for
ensuring
that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited
to:
jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down
in the
doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and
twining
around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

SLEEPING:

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must
get
plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place
to curl
up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with
your fur
color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better.
Of
course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being
seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as
rain.
Open windows are a good compromise.

SCRATCHING POSTS:

It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They
are
very protective of what they think is their property and will object
strongly if
they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when
they
aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor
kitty,
trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

HUMANS:

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention
to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's
Dignity when
around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and
are
consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.

Crackwalker