Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other

dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in

the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your

food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating

me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall

faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about

this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your

comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It

is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the

fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and

having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but

sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some

miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under

the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I

entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline

attendance is not mandatory.

To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front

door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's

why they call it "fur"niture .)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is

short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't

ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,

never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or

drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your

clothes , don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get

pregnant, you can sell their children.