Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

     Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

     1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

     2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other
dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or
nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor
do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

     3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.

     4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your
inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a
ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible.

     5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

     6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help
to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

     7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my
crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

     8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering
pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the
carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong
when you did it.

     9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal
for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting
hairball in history.

     10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I
cannot stress this enough.

     To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

     Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

     1. They live here; you don't.

     2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

     3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

     4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

     5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to
train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car,
don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the
latest fashions