PET RULES:

                       To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
nose height.

                       Dear Dogs and Cats,

                       The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

                       The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack.
                       Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

                       I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.

                       For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit
through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

                       The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

                       To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:

                       To All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets:

                       1. They live here.  You don't.
                       2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
                       3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
                       4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.

                       Remember: Dogs and cats are easier than kids because
they:

                       1. Eat less
                       2. Don't ask for money all the time
                       3 Are easier to train
                       4. Normally come when called
                       5. Never ask to drive the car
                       6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
                       7. Don't smoke or drink
                       8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
                       9. Don't want to wear your clothes
                       10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
and...
                       11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their
children.