yep...

Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: Of Shattered Illusions
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 02:07:29 GMT

Ahem.

Dear Mr. Trash Can Man,

I have just read the WiReD article on the a.t. vs. r.p.c.
flame-war, and have become more profoundly sad, cynical
and depressed than I have ever been for it.

For, lo, in the first few paragraphs I am informed that
you, Constantine Tobio, aka the one, the only Trash Can
Man, who is held in awe by some, in fear by others, but
with respect by all, I am informed that you will not
try vegemite, BECAUSE YOU'RE ***SCARED***!?!?!?!?!

You, sir, are wimp.

I had to reread it several times, because my eyes, my
mind, my heart refused to believe it. You have crushed
my spirit and my hope in this world, and with it my
respect for you.

You not only dissapoint me, you shame yourself. Coward.

But all hope is not lost, you may redeem yourself. But,
have you the strength to claim salvation ?

I want you to go now, this very minute, to your pantry,
brush the dust off the jar and bring it back your kitchen
bench. Plug in your toaster. Get a couple of pieces of
toasting bread (what grain is irrelevant as long as it is
sliced and in a plastic bag) and some butter (NOT margarine.
Margarine will not coagulate with the Food of the Gods
correctly.)

BE STRONG. If you are trembling in fear and have doubts
now, ring up some of your WiReD groupies to help you
work through the experience, for you must do it, you
know it inside yourself, for you can never call yourself
a man until you do.

OK. Now take a few deep breaths and try to relax. The
timing of the sequence of events for the ceremony is
crucial. You must not stuff up, for to do so will
weaken your resolve and you will further shame yourself.

Now, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out.

Ready ?

Good.

Loosen the lid of the jar, but DO NOT open it yet. Avoid
the temptation to smell it first now, or during the ritual.

Place 2 pieces of bread into your toaster and toast to your
liking. Remove while still hot and generously butter 'till
there are little runny pools of melted butter all over the
surface.

Now, steel yourself, for this must be done quickly. As soon
as the butter begins to solidify slightly on its surface,
open the jar. DO IT. Take a small amount out on your knife
(again DO NOT smell), and spread all over the toast to mix
it in with the butter thorughly. Repeat with the other piece.
If it has all taken on the consistancy of a good brew of
diarrheoa, you have done well.

Now. the climax. You are at the point of no return. Pick up
a piece of toast and take a good bite, and slowly chew.

Savour the pungent and salty taste of the hydrolysed yeast
proteins as they coat your palate and caress your taste-buds.

I pray you manage to unfalteringly reach this point, for as
you know, whatever doesn't kill you, will only make you
stronger, and you will feel yourself to be a wiser and
better man for it. Yes, *man*, for you will have earned
the right to call yourself that. And you will have earned
your respect back from myself and the rest of the caring,
sharing a.t. crew.

My prayers go out to you,

Victor