I don't really know why, but I torture my cat. it's less than one year
old.
I get overcome with a sort of manic feeling. It's not joy, it's just
self-perpetuating once it gets started.

Here are some of the things I do; it's not much comnpared to what other
cat torturers normally do, but it's twisted all the same:

I twist his fore limbs behind his back, and hold him by his fore-legs
which are pulled behind his back and dangle him from a high rise
building. I also dangle him in mid air over the void by his tail.

I put him repeatedly in high place, like let him hang by his claws onto
a lace curtain, or on top of a door, such as he has no way but to fall
from that high. So far I think his pelvis, his left hind leg and his
left front leg are broken. I would do this repeatedly, until once his
mouth became full of blood.

I smother him with water , a lot. Today I tied a small plastic bag over
his head and only cut the bag with scissors after a long while. I
haven't timed it, but it's at least a few minutes.

I once got him wet and left him in the freezer for a few minutes.

Sometimes I just tighten my index finger against my thumb, and release
it quickly hitting him in various places on his head,
especially straight on his nose.

I also sometimes beat him with a thin stick.

He's had his legs broken (or are they just sprained? he can't on any of
his left limbs, and he sort of crawls/falls to be able to move) for
over five days now.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I feel great regret afterward, and get
bouts of "what have I done" and care for him for about a day, but then
the urge introduces itself a day later and I start with him again.

He is now dejected, his eyes half closed and looks downward. He never
miawls anymore and playfulness and movement are out of the question.
He also throws up frequently and his bowels produce audible sounds when
I hold him close.

I don't want to give him away , out of my fear that I'll regret what
I've done to him for the rest of my days, and the hope that I should
make it up to him. Nonetheless , the devilish impulse comes again and
again.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm convinced it's twisted. I just
thought i ought to share this.