So I'm sitting here at the computer and I hear Cat-Boy enjoying his
new scratching post in the other room. Then he comes in the computer
room, jumps up in my lap, looks at the computer screen and reaches out
toward it with his paw, claws extended. Of course, I immediately
recognize this as the universal cat sign language for "want."

Unfortunately, while he has the word "want," he doesn't seem to get
the idea that it's a transitive verb. He expects me to supply the
direct object by guessing what it is that he wants. Looking at him
staring at the monitor with the cat newsgroups on screen, I make a
wild guess that he wants me to tell all the other humans about how
much he loves his new scratching post. I ask him if that's what he
wants and get the response "meow." I take that to be a "yes." His
vocal vocabulary is really limited. I mean, "meow" is pretty much it.
But if he had meant it to be a "no" he would have had a disgusted look
on his face. In this case the "meow" was accompanied by rubbing
against me, so I was pretty sure it was a "yes." Besides, I told him
if he wanted me to tell the other humans about the scratching post
he'd have to get off my lap so I could type, whereupon he jumped down
to the floor. What can I say? Clearly I have a direct mandate to
explain about his scratching post, so here goes:

(The following instructions are for North Americans. People in other
parts of the world will have to adjust for their locales.)

*The World's Best Scratching Post*

Tools required: Hammer, saw.
Optional tools: Electric drill with 1/16" bit, power saw

1) Go to Home Depot, Lowes, or equivalent in your area. Bring a small
amount of money. Inside the store, go to the lumber section and find
the fencing materials. Look for rough-sawn cedar fence boards, usually
available in various lengths. Find the stack of six foot by 5 1/2 inch
boards and pick out two straight ones with as few knots as you can
find. These should cost a bit under $2 each. Next, go to the place
where they have bins filled with pieces of plywood and particle board
already cut down to standard sizes. Pick out one piece that is two
feet by four feet wide, 3/4 inch thick. Particle board is cheaper than
the plywood and should cost under $3. (Option: You will end up cutting
this in two. If you don't have a power saw and don't like sawing, just
buy two two foot by two foot pieces, already cut.) Finally, if you
don't already have nails at home, add a small quantity of 4d (that's
"four-penny") finishing nails to your shopping cart, and an equivalent
number of 6d finishing nails. A dozen of each is enough, although you
may have to buy a whole 1-lb. box. Pay for the items ($7-$10 or so)
and take them home.

2) Take the fence boards and cut them in two, so you have four pieces
three feet long. (Tip: place the two boards together and cut them both
at the same time -- saves effort and helps make them all the same
length.)

3) Take two of the boards and nail the long edge of one onto the long
edge of the other, in a right ("L") angle, using the 4d nails. Three
nails should be sufficient. Repeat by adding the other two boards,
making a long closed box. This is the post part of the scratching
post. When nailing the edges together, select the roughest and/or
prettiest side of each board to be on the outside. Option: If you have
an electric drill with 1/16 inch bit, drill pilot holes for the nails.
This helps keep from having them miss the other board as you drive
them in.

4) If you bought the two foot by four foot particle board or plywood,
saw it in two, making two pieces two feet by two feet. These will be
the top and bottom. Take one piece and place on the floor or
workbench, ugliest side up. This will be the bottom or "stand." Take
the post and set it in the middle, measuring from each side of the
bottom to make sure it is centered. Take a pencil and mark around the
post on the bottom piece so you can tell where it is supposed to be.
Turn the bottom piece over so it is good side up and repeat, but this
time just make light crop marks sticking out on each corner so they
can be erased or sanded off after assembly. Set the post to one side,
take one of the 6d nails, and drive it into the bottom piece just
inside the marks you made so that when the nail comes through the
other side it will hit the end edge of the fence board. Do this from
the pretty side that you made crop marks on. After the nail comes
through the other side, pull it back out. Repeat, using two nails for
each side of the square post. When you have made the holes, stand the
post up, position the bottom on the top of it, ugly side up
(positioning it properly using the crop marks on the other side), then
nail it to the post using the holes you created. Option: Instead of
making the holes with a nail and pulling it out afterward, use the
electric drill to make the holes.

5) Repeat with the top two foot by two foot piece.

6) Use an eraser or sandpaper to remove the crop marks where they are
visible on the top of the top and bottom pieces.

7) Rub some catnip into the top of the fence boards. Set the post up
in a good location in your home. Call the cat.

Cat-Boy loves his scratching post. Since building it for him he hasn't
touched any of the furniture. Sometimes he runs to it from a far
corner of the house, just so he can scratch on it. Cedar is a very
soft wood and the rough-sawn texture feels completely natural to him.
And the best part is that the cost is negligible compared to the ugly
things at the pet store, and it will probably last forever.

ps from cat-boy:
papa is so full of himself he thinks this is a great scratching post.
well, that's only because he made it himself with those goofy hairless
paws of his. in fact, i use it just because it smells like catnip.
don't tell papa that, though. i have to humor him a lot, so keep it a
secret, ok?

ok, i have to tell the truth. it really is a good scratching post. but
still, don't tell papa. i already have all four paws full keeping his
ego in line.

and while i'm at it, why do you humans make such a production of
things? he could have just bought the board and leaned it against the
wall. it would have been just as good. but papa had to spend 20
minutes hammering and banging to make this thing. waste of time if you
ask me. he could have spent that time serving me more catnip. silly
humans!

--
Bogus e-mail address, but I read this newsgroup regularly, so reply here.