Cats: Not Just For Target Practice Anymore
Written by David Lee Deville

VANDUSER, MO -- A local animal control officer was stunned this
weekend to learn that cats can be used for something besides target
practice.

Wilbur Ripley, a 24 year old resident of the tiny Scott County town of
Vanduser (estimated 1998 population: 228) had been using stray cats
for target practice since the tender young age of eight. When hired as
the Animal Control Officer in town, he apparently took the concept to
the next level by carrying out a personal Holocaust on the stray cats
of the area.

He claims he just didn't know any better.

"I must have blown the living sh.t out of about ten thousand
kitty-cats in my life before someone told me they can be good pets,"
Ripley said from his jail cell in Benton, where he is currently being
held for six dozen counts of cruelty to animals dating back to 1993.
"My grandpa shot cats, my daddy shot cats, and I massacred untold
thousands of our little feline friends before anyone told me it was
wrong. When I took the job as the animal control officer, I just kept
doing what I was always doing."

Ripley's biggest mistake, apparently, was getting caught.

Residents of Vanduser called the Sheriff's Department early Friday
morning complaining about Ripley's AK-47 assault rifle making too much
noise. When the police arrived on the scene, Ripley was caught
red-handed with 1,000 rounds of spent shell casings laying on the
ground and a pile of at least ten deceased cats that witnesses
described as "heavily perforated".

Ripley had been hired as the town's Animal Control Officer in August
of 1999. Local residents seemed surprised to learn that his method of
"controlling" the cat population included liberal use of automatic
weapons.

"I was brought up to believe that the only good cat was a dead cat,"
said Scott County Sheriff Richard "Stumpy" Thompson. "When I was a
kid, I shot at cats, ran `em over with my truck, fed 'em to Doberman
Pinschers, drowned 'em, electrocuted 'em, backed up and ran over 'em
again, you name it. I feel sorry for this Ripley fella, I really do.
But the state told me to crack down on this, so I didn't have a
choice."

The Missouri Department of Animal Control has seen similar problems in
Vanduser in the past.

In the early 1970's, it was the only town in Missouri to have an
official "Cat Season" for hunters.

In late 1987, the Vanduser Humane Society was shut down and the board
of directors fined $1,000 for unethical treatment of animals. The
state Attorney General's accused the shelter of running a "Pay Ten
Dollars, Kill-All-The-Cats-You-Want" promotion to the general public
on weekends. The board defended itself by saying it was "trying to cut
down on it's euthanasia costs and provide valuable public
entertainment".

"It's not like we're killing dogs or anything," one board member was
quoted.

Wilbur Ripley's arrest is apparently unrelated to the 1987 Humane
Society scandal. He now claims to have "found God" and expresses
remorse for the actions of his youth.

"When I'm released, I'm going to get myself a little pussycat for a
pet. They're so cute," Ripley said. "They're the perfect pet, I just
didn't know it. They purr, they clean themselves, and they poop
inside. Who'd have thought they could be pets? What else can a guy ask
for?"

Ripley also added, "But if that little kitty gets out of line and
scratches up my furniture, don't think for a second I'm gonna put up
with it. He'll get de-clawed with a .22 rifle, and ain't no one gonna
stop me."

Jury selection begins next week, and the public defender's office is
optimistic about the odds of getting a sympathetic pool of cat-haters
to free Mr. Ripley. Bond has been set at $25 and a moon pie.

James Marz

Born in lust, turn to dust.
Born in sin?  come on in! - Stephen King