How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
ornaments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to
take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another beer then get another
pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large
tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little bastards front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner.  Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a
pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to
collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.