Dear Animal Shelters:

Like most shelters out there, you probably have too few rescued
animals and far too many foster homes eager to take them. You're
probably turning off your phone because of all the foster parents
begging to take on another animal. You even considered taking out
newspaper space imploring the foster parents to just go away.

So, here are a few simple methods to make those pesky volunteers take
a hike for good:

1) Constantly pressure them to foster animals outside the categories
they've listed that they would rather foster. For example, if you have
a volunteer who only wants to foster large adult dogs, call her at
least once a week to pressure her to take a litter of bottle-fed
orphaned kittens. Bonus points if you dupe a foster who you know is
uncomfortable with ferals into taking home a carrier of "sweet"
kittens and not bothering to mention they're feral.

2) When the foster parents warn you before they take an animal that
they are going on vacation in a few weeks, tell them you'll easily
arrange for another home to take the animals during the vacation. When
the time comes for that temporary transfer to take place, tell them
there's no home and the foster parents will need to find their own
pet-sitters or the animals, who aren't ready to be adopted, will have
to stay in a carrier at the shelter.

3) Pressure them to permanently adopt their hard-to-place fosters,
just to add the difficulty they already encounter at separation time.
If you're a kill shelter, mention the animal in her present state will
probably be declared unadoptable, and we all know what that means.

4) Get upset when the foster parent tries to independently find good
homes for her foster animals, thus saving you work and the animals the
time in a shelter cage. She can't possibly have the sound judgment to
recognize a good home for them, given that you've trusted her with
their care for months. Who do these volunteers think they are, caring
about the animals they've been housing for months?

5) Make them apprehensive to return the animals to you by making the
return process as depressing as possible. Given the difficult nature
of returning animals in even the best conditions, this will just add
to the dread! When a foster parent returns her animals at a
pre-arranged time, tell her "Just leave them in the carrier in the
corner, we're busy and full. They'll have to stay in the back for a
few days, bye." Disregard the names the foster parent has given them.
Opt instead for the warmth of using only numbers for identification.

Follow these simple steps and you're bound to make those annoying
foster parents just go away.

Signed,
A Former Foster Parent