Memo to: The Cats
From: Your Mom ("Provider of All Good Things")
Subject: New Corporate Policy on the Use of Toileting Facilities
Date: 17 May 2005

Ladies:

Please be advised of an upgrade to your toileting equipment. There are now
SIX litterboxes for the THREE of you. This should relieve some of the
crowding and decisionmaking problems associated with having ONLY FIVE boxes
for THREE cats available.

Although this new addition took place yesterday, apparently at least one of
you has not noticed. Please NOTICE the addition.

Take a moment to review previous corporate policy reminding you that only
APPROVED (by me) and DESIGNATED (by me) facilities are to be used as
toileting areas. Now that each of you has two boxes available, this should
put to rest some of the past "difficulties" and enable you to more easily
conduct this important business while adhering to the following standard
guidelines:

* No one should assume that all filler in a litterbox will be replaced each
and every time a box is used. Sifting and replenishing will be conducted
upon my waking in the morning and returning from work in the evening.

* Although you may choose your favorite boxes as "your own" you are not to
prohibit any of your "colleagues" from using "your" facilities or in any way
harass them while they are using a box. On occasion, I may wish to use one
of the boxes myself and will expect full accommodation on your part.

* We are transferring to pine litter. This is a done deal, and now after a
transition period of SIX MONTHS you are expected to accept this as a fact of
life. Those of you (and you know who you are) who have been leaving various
"protest signs" in strategic locations, are to end this immediately. This
move to pine is because of your inconsiderate use of the clumping litter to
practice your bowling techniques throughout the basement den. Also, our
foray into the regular clay litter meant you were coming to bed--in my
bed--with the clay sticking to every bit of your nose. Not only was this
unhygienic, it certainly did not give any of you the appearance of an $800
cat. If you are thinking I'm doing this as a vast Greenpeace conspiracy, get
over it.

* When we go to shows, the sandbox is there to use as intended. It is not
there for you to take your naps in--that's what the extremely expensive
"Fuzzy Sack" is there for. Do not wait to get home and make a mad dash for
the boxes. When you hold it in at the show, you look like you are going to
explode and your eyes start to cross. Worse yet, you start to fart.

* To my Abyssinian: It is perfectly acceptable that you twirl around at
least five times in a box before furiously digging a hole, but you are not
required nor should you feel compelled, to throw the litter ten feet in
every direction. It would also be preferable if you actually use that same
litter box where you've dug rather than jumping into a neighboring box to
actually do the deed and then not covering it up. This style is not very
becoming, nor does it make you look terribly smart. Additionally, it does
not score any bonus points for your breed.

* To my Bengal: Simply making sure you've covered what you've left is
enough. You do NOT need to build pyramids. While I realize there is a
distant cultural and ethnic connection here to that ancient Egyptian
architectural style, now that we have reached a new millennium, please allow
the connection to become more distant still. I would welcome you bringing
the height of your creations down to the more manageable level of speed
bumps.

* To my 15-year old full blooded Generic: Please do not deposit your various
mouse, cricket, or cicada victims in the litter boxes. Killed or mangled
bodies should merely be left out on the utility room floor right by the
door. I promise they will be noticed and proper praise and acknowledgment
will be forthcoming. Trust me.

Your efforts in regards to an invitation a Teamster representative to visit
this property will be rejected outright. It didn't work for the Poodles
across the street, it ain't gonna fly here.

Sincerely,

The Food Goddess.