I think you want a combination of letting her be, and encouraging her to
take new steps. Rosalie objected to 2-handed petting for a long time,
too. I would mostly pet her with one hand, and from time to time try
adding in that second hand -- eventually she realized she could get ear
scritchies and pets at the same time, and she hasn't looked back. This
process literally took months, though.

It took her 8 months to sit in my lap -- then she did it twice and didn't
do it again for over a month. It's often 2 steps forward, one step back
for her -- but that is still progress.

She still won't let me pick her up and I am now working a bit on this --
I will pet with both hands and then try applying a bit of pressure, as if
about to pick her up -- she now scurries away but I will keep "offering"
this from time to time.

Your cat may never be a lapsitter -- I've known of cats who just like
sitting next to their people, and that's it. But keep encouraging her to
get in your lap because she may take you up on it.

Just keep doing what you're doing -- offering her all kinds of affection
on her terms -- and that will strengthen your bond more and more over
time -- that's really the best way for her to gain confidence, in my
opinion.

--Catherine
& Rosalie the calicohead

I know where you're coming from. My 2nd cat (a semi-feral who really
does have an excuse for her behavior) has been with us almost two years
and while I adore her, I am glad the 1st cat is Ms. Adaptable because
sometimes you do really have that urge to pick a cat up and pet it on
demand :>

Your cat simply has a cautious temperament, a sensitive body, and
probably some perceived scary incident from her past (doesn't mean that
anything bad actually happened to her - since you raised her and know
it didn't, but some unwitting human caresses may have overwhelmed her
at some point and got her worrying about it).

The best thing you can do brainstorm ways to relate to her that make
her happy and secure and do it as much as possible on her terms and
realize that kitty time isn't always human time (i.e. you can see not
much progress for a year and then fifteen months might be her eureka
moment).

My kitty has gone from so skittish that she was impossible to pet to:
actively soliciting attention and pets when I'm on the computer,
accepting nuzzles with two hands and my weight over over, curling up in
my belly and showing me hers, and the occaisional belly rub when she's
very blissed out.

Here are some things that helped: lots of quiet time with just me and
the other cat temporarily detained in the other part of the house,
developing a special game for just the two of us to play when we're
alone,  trying to reserve a predictable period of time for "just us"
when she knows she'll be cuddled and played with without the other
human or cat present,  modeling affection to the other cat so she sees
that being picked up and lap time is pleasurable, and occisionally
trying something more than she's accepted to date and immediately
backing off if she objects, so she knows that I'd like to do these
things with her, but will wait until she feels ready.

If you do these things steadily for another year, she will more than
likely be responsive - maybe not in the exact way you want her to be -
but in some version of increased affection towards you that will feel
good. My cat brainstormed her own special game for the two of us and
loves playing catch the leather toy under the coffee table legs. She is
so cute, rolling around and crowing and gets so silly-happy that
afterwards she'll cuddle up  next to me forever and purr up a storm. It
works :

One of our seven cats suffered from this sort of anxiety disorder, and was
virtually unapproachable until we initiated fluoxetine (Prozac) therapy ...
within 48 hours we started to see very clear signs of reduced anxiety as
well as improved sociability, and within a week she was actually seeking us
out for stroking and lap time. Little Pinkie receives her medication once
daily by mouth in the form of a #3 gel capsule, which is compounded by a
local pharmacy at a dosage of 0.5mg/kg. Her preferred location for receiving
her medication is the top level on a sisal and carpet-covered cat perch, and
when the appointed hour arrives she actually leads me there, from anywhere
in the house, and assumes the 'pilling position' in what seems like eager
anticipation!

Cats, unlike dogs, are not pack animals, so it's not surprising that she's
intimidated by your two males. If I'm reading your post right, she's not
showing any signs of of physical or psychological problems. It sounds as if
she's an adult and I suspect that she's just not a cuddly cat. I would
suggest letting her be, if she wants attention, she'll let you know.

As for the males chasing her around, if they are causing any injuries, you
need to separate them, if not let her stand on her own four paws; maybe lend
her hand with a water pistol if you see the boys getting out of hand.