Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help
keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

• When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can
opener where your dog can easily reach them.

• Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or
swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.

• Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one
of those freaky snake guys.

• If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses,
contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.

• Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you
wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy sh.t!
I'm gay!"

• Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of
the mug.

• Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family
as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.

• If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.

• Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will
likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.

• Once a week, comb your cat's a.s hair - often matted with clumps of
feces - with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.

• When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse
pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.

• Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light
breading in a rosemary butter sauce.

• Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across
the surface of the pet.

• By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into
stores and restaurants.

• Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if
you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.

• If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute,
consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.

• Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way
to be sure without extensive testing.

• Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach
them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their
amusement, goddammit.