A few friendly tips on what patients (like me) enjoy the most about
dentist visits.  Take notes!

1 - I really, really love it when you hide in your office while some
flunky with a community college certificate plays "dentist" on me,
poking around in there and doing all the little things that you can't be
bothered to do because it's Beneath You.  I really feel good about
forking over hundreds of dollars for your education and skills, but
having a talentless fuckwit actually do the work.  I wish /all/ dentists
worked that way.  Sadly, only about two-thirds to three-quarters of them
do.  If you're a dentist and you don't have bungling retards do half the
dental work, then please consider making changes.  Your customers will
thank you for it.

2 - Few things are more fun than getting dirty looks and sour tones from
you when you hit a sensitive spot with the burr, because you didn't
anesthetize the tooth properly.  Patients /love/ sharp physical pain
followed by a harsh rebuke from the person who inflicted said pain.  
When anesthetizing a tooth, please try to inject only about half the
amount you realistically think is necessary -- that will increase the
chances of the blissful experience I've just described.

3 - It's sooooooo cool when you converse with me by standing over the
reclined chair, looking down at me as you talk, to remind me that I am a
whiny little baby in your eyes.  I just wish you'd go the extra mile and
actually speak in baby-talk, but perhaps that's asking too much of Your
Highness.

4 - Patients' pockets are bottomless, and insurance companies are
destitute, so it's pure financial wizardry the way you charge patients
more than you charge insurance companies for the exact same services.  
Sheer genius.  It's a wonder dentists don't automatically get a PhD in
economics at the same moment they are awarded their DDS (or DMD).  
Seriously, please feel free to double -- no, TRIPLE -- the fees you
directly charge patients, so you can charge insurance companies even
less.  Those poor dears deserve a break.  In fact, you might even want
to put a collection plate at the reception desk to take up donations for
them.  Think of their poor, starving children!

5 - Please to be adding even more stuff to your list of services, even
though pretty much all you do are exams, fillings, crowns and dentures.  
It looks really impressive when you list all the stuff that you actually
just give referrals for, like root canals and implants and about 100
other things that you either can't do or you're too afraid to do (and
that you can't convince one of your community college morons to do for
you).  Consider adding "maxillofacial surgery" to the list -- that will
make you look /really/ cool.  (You can put "referrals only" in teeny
tiny print beside that, if you're afraid of getting in trouble for false
advertising or something.)

6 - Talk to me!  Ask me questions!  It's a F-U-N to carry on a
conversation while there's a dental clamp, rubber dam, vacuum tube and
drill in my mouth.  It gets even better when you laugh at the gurgling,
choking noises that I make when I answer your questions.  Funny stuff!  
I suppose it would be funnier if I were to choke and die right there in
front of you, but I suppose that's sort of the Holy Grail of the dental
world.

7 - I lurve waiting an hour past my appointment time.  It gives me time
to think about the wonder of your scheduling practices, wherein I get to
sit in a chair for-f.cking-ever and read three-year-old magazines
covered with baby slobber while your receptionist glares at me --
whereas if I'm late by so much as 15 minutes, my appointment gets
cancelled and I get to pay $50 for the privilege.  Such an efficient,
balanced system is truly a technological marvel of the modern age,
guaranteed to ensure you a position of prestige in the dental world.  If
your patients don't routinely wait at least 30 minutes past their
appointment times, and if you're not charging them fifty bucks (or
more!) if they're a bit late, then you are behind the power curve.

8 - Can you please stop wearing masks?  Once in a while I'll be at a
dentist who can't be bothered to drop three cents on a cheap paper mask,
and insists on breathing in my face.  That's f.cking GREAT!  I cannot
express in words how much I enjoy the refreshing aroma of your hours-old
breakfast.  It's even better in the afternoon, when the shitty reek of
your breakfast is enhanced by the rotting remains of your lunch.  And it
just warms my heart to know that you care enough to share your flu
germs, and whatever else you're carrying, with me.  That's too-too kind
of you.

9 - From now on, please refer to all patients as Mr. or Mrs. Dumbass.  
We would really prefer that, because we know absolutely nothing of what
Your Highness does.  All that "buccal, periapical, interproximal, etc"
stuff?  It's all Greek to us.  All those mysterious tools you like to
hide on a little table behind the chair, where we can't see?  No idea.  
We're all as clueless as the day we were born, because none of us ever
read or learn anything.  We just sit around the house all day, watching
soaps and playing with the cat.  If you don't want to use Dumbass, then
Stooge, Idiot or Airhead will also do.

10 - Hyberole rules!!  I've noticed that some of the literature you have
laying around (with your ages-old magazines in the waiting room) likes
to imply that all my teeth will fall out if I don't do whatever the
literature is talking about.  I really wish dentists would talk to me
about treatment options in the same manner.  Sensible, reasonable
treatment plans are sooo boring.  Please seriously consider employing
hyperbole and scare tactics a lot more often.  If you need help, just
consult with a TV evangelist or an army drill sergeant (or both).  
Practice in a mirror; i.e., get right up close, open your eyes as wide
as you can, and yell, "YOU'RE GONNA DIE AAIEEEEEE!!"

11 - Are you a female dentist?  Please to be grinding your boobs against
my shoulder.  'Nuff said!

12 - Are you a male dentist?  Please to be grinding your boobs against
my shoulder, you f.cking fatass.  'Nuff said!

Hope that helps!  (Hope my dentist reads this!)