I just wanted everyone to know that we did put Nic to sleep earlier
today.  Even within the span of two days he had slipped further
downhill...this morning he was staggering so badly he nearly fell
over.  He wouldn't eat or drink or acknowledge any of us...he was just
so sad.  We sat him with outside for awhile and let him walk on the
grass.  We took a plaster cast of his paw print and saved some hair.

I did end up having it done at a clinic who had only see him once
before.  It turns out it was the best choice rather than having him
done at home.  They couldn't get a catheter into either front
leg...his veins were so bad they were just collapsing.  Finally they
gassed him down until he fell asleep and wheeled him and the machine
into the room.  He had a little mask strapped to his face...he looked
so small.  Even then they couldn't get a butterfly cath into his hind
legs...I could see the veins just keep blowing.  Finally they had to
do an IC stick.  He was completely unconscious and didn't feel it and
I couldn't watch them poke and fish around any longer.

The young vet who was with us was wonderful.  Even though she'd only
see Nic once before she cried with us and told me she'd been up all
night since our phone call yesterday thinking about how strong the
bond is between Nic and I.

I don't feel guilty.  I do know that endings are part of life.  He was
too good a cat...too proud and noble and sweet...to make him die
anymore slowly. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like f.cking
hell.  I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I loved Nic
more than ANYONE in the universe.  More than my family, more than my
boyfriends...he WAS my universe.  And now I just have an empty room
with sixteen different brands of food scattered around and one very
lonely kitten who doesn't know where her best friend went.  I know we
have to get Heather another cat...she never bonded to anyone but Nic
and she can't be an only cat.  But it has to be someone very special
and probably won't be for quite some time, even if that is unfair to
her.

The skin under my eyes is bruised and bleeding from crying so hard and
rubbing them.  But I've gotten my hearing back...for some reason I
will lose my hearing, usually on one side of my head, when I am very,
very stressed.  The last time that happened was when Nic nearly died
from his dental.  For three days now I've have no hearing on the left
side.  As we were coming home from the clinic it came back.  I do feel
relief and that we did the right thing.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words.  It did help both make
me feel less alone and helped me realize what I had to do.  If anyone
wants to see photos of Nic and Heather, I have a little gallery at
http://members.fortunecity.com/sethran/gallery.html

I'll probably post a more gathered tribute later, if that's alright.
I'm too numb right now to write what I really want to.