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Cat Forum / Cat Anecdotes / July 2005Emotional abuse...flu...need purrs
Ugh, what a weekend :-( I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's been married to her husband Joseph for 8 years. I always knew he was a grade A bastard, and that they had some pretty bad problems, but this time he totally lost it and went into a tantrum in front of me. He started by yelling, then slammed the door so hard the plaster fell off the wall. Then he stole Elsa's passport so she can't leave and he took her cell phone away. He also changed the password on her computer, so she can't use it. He called her all sorts of names and complained that she's useless and spends all his money. (She hardly spends any money, seriously, he makes multiple times what Dennis makes and I shop so much more than she does). Then her aunt died and he first of all said she was making it up, and said that if she went home she wasn't ever coming back. Then he threatened to commit suicide. Then he took all her clothes and put them in a huge pile outside my room. This was all from between Friday night to Monday morning. He was very mad that I was there, said I was a bad influence on her. She began taking money out of the ATM and hiding it. She had already copied all their financial stuff and made a package in case she had to leave quickly. We went to an internet cafe and looked at emotional abuse websites and he does 18 out of the 20 things they list. Very scary. I thought she was going to go through with it this time (this has happened many times before) but on Monday morning, he gave her passport back and suddenly she totally backed off and isn't even going home to be with her family who is grieving the aunt who died. This is very frustrating for me because I've heard about women who don't leave abusive men, but it's so hard when it's your own very good friend. I've told her that I'm there for her when she needs me, I guess there's not much more I can do right now. I had to go home because me being there was making him so much madder. I won't be able to stay there anymore now. I don't ever plan on seeing that a$$hole again. To top it all off, I've gotten very sick with the flu. Body aches, stomach cramps, sore throat, kink in my neck, hot and cold flashes, ugh. I'm concerned because I have to drive to Cambodia by Thursday at the very latest because my visa is running out. If I don't go, I'll lose the 3 months and be back to month to month, which is a hassle. The drive to the border is at least 8 hours round trip. I sure hope I'm feeling better by Thursday. So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really appreciate it. -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > Check out pictures of Vino at: > http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album Ohmygawd, that gave me flashbacks. I know exactly why she doesn't leave. Please try to understand that he has eroded her self-confidence to the point where she doesn't think she can live without him (financially, as an adult person on her own, I mean). He has also so isolated her from her friends and family that she feels even more alone than she really is (believe me, that fit he threw was *entirely* for your benefit - he doesn't *want* to be friends with her because he doesn't want her to have any emotional (or any other kind of) support except him. Please try to stay in touch with her as much as you can and do and say things that might help bolster her feelings of confidence and self-worth. Please don't chastise her for not leaving him - that will only make her feel worse about herself, she knows she should, but she really thinks she can't do it. If you'd like to email me privately I might be able to give you some advice about how you might be able to help or you could relay it to her. Mega-purrs coming for your friend. And get-well-soon purrs coming for you. Hugs, CatNipped >> Ugh, what a weekend :-( >> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >> and he first of all said she was making it up, and said that if she >> went home she wasn't ever coming back. Then he threatened to commit >> suicide. Then he took all her clothes and put them in a huge pile >> outside my room. [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] >> home because me being there was making him so much madder. I won't >> be able to stay there anymore now. I don't ever plan on seeing that >> a$$hole again. >> To top it all off, I've gotten very sick with the flu. Body aches, [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > self-confidence to the point where she doesn't think she can live > without him (financially, as an adult person on her own, I mean). He > has also so isolated her from her friends and family that she feels > even more alone than she really is (believe me, that fit he threw was > *entirely* for your benefit - he doesn't *want* to be friends with > her because he doesn't want her to have any emotional (or any other > kind of) support except him. Yes, I think he has eroded her self confidence quite a bit. But she also does have a ton of friends, all of whom love her to bits. She is the sweetest person. Many people offered to buy her a ticket home over the weekend, she knows she will never be stuck. She is a teacher in Texas and even though she hasn't taught for 4 years while being here (she subbed for 1 year here at the intl. school), she thinks she could get a job fairly quickly. > Please try to stay in touch with her as much as you can and do and say > things that might help bolster her feelings of confidence and > self-worth. Please don't chastise her for not leaving him - that will > only make her feel worse about herself, she knows she should, but she > really thinks she can't do it. I talk or email with her almost every day, that's just regular for us, not just when there's a problem. So that will definitely continue. I will also continue to visit her, just won't stay at her place when he's there. Fortunately, he goes on a ton of business trips for up to a week at a time. I never chastised her for not leaving him. This morning she called and said they had a long talk and he totally appoligized and said that she just scared him so much because he was afraid that she would leave. She thinks that's the sweetest thing (puke). Now he's taking her for a weekend in Koh Samui where they will discuss their relationship more. And he told her to get a massage and manicure/pedicure because she deserves it. It's their 8th anniversary today. They have decided that they will have a dinner with no drinking once a month to reconnect and talk about their relationship. Councelling is out because he works from 7 am till 9 pm most days and he can't do it on the weekend because it could cut into his golf time. But he did promise to come home early from work once a week from now on. She seems to be pretty happy about it all. I feel like crying... > If you'd like to email me privately I might be able to give you some > advice about how you might be able to help or you could relay it to [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > CatNipped Thank you, I really appreciate it. -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album >>> Ugh, what a weekend :-( >>> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's >>> been married to her husband Joseph for 8 years. I always knew he >>> was a grade A bastard, and that they had some pretty bad problems, >>> but this time he totally lost it and went into a tantrum in front >>> of me. (snip) >> Ohmygawd, that gave me flashbacks. I know exactly why she doesn't >> leave. Please try to understand that he has eroded her [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > appoligized and said that she just scared him so much because he was > afraid that she would leave. BULLSHIT. He effectively prevented her from leaving by taking her passport and cell phone. Next thing you know he'll be blocking her way out of the house. Or hiring servants to spy on her and report back to HIM so someone else will prevent her. If he's got all that money, he's going to be paranoid about all that. Trust me. She thinks that's the sweetest thing > (puke). Now he's taking her for a weekend in Koh Samui where they > will discuss their relationship more. Yeah, he'll tell her how sorry he is and how things will get better. And they will, for a while. A very short while. And he told her to get a > massage and manicure/pedicure because she deserves it. It's their 8th > anniversary today. They have decided that they will have a dinner > with no drinking once a month to reconnect and talk about their > relationship. Councelling is out because he works from 7 am till 9 pm > most days and he can't do it on the weekend because it could cut into > his golf time. (!!!!) Did you hear that? But he did promise to come home early from work once a > week from now on. She seems to be pretty happy about it all. I feel > like crying... I don't blame you. I feel like crying, too. Jill >>>> Ugh, what a weekend :-( >>>> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >> also does have a ton of friends, all of whom love her to bits. She >> is the sweetest person. Many people offered to buy her a ticket home >> over the weekend, she knows she will never be stuck. She is a >> teacher in Texas and even though she hasn't taught for 4 years while >> being here (she subbed for 1 year here at the intl. school), she >> thinks she could get a job fairly quickly. [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > If he's got all that money, he's going to be paranoid about all that. > Trust me. Yes, I know. It sickens me. The servant thing is out because their maid hates him. I guess she's seen what he does. But he is definitely scared of losing "his" money. She told me they have $300,000 in cash in the bank and then various other investments, real estate, etc. He claims it's all his and if she leaves she will get nothing. But we looked up divorce in Texas online and she will get 50%. Unfortunately I don't know what it will take for her to leave him because he has buttered her up and she's feeling much better now. Ugh, it makes me so mad. > She thinks that's the sweetest thing >> (puke). Now he's taking her for a weekend in Koh Samui where they >> will discuss their relationship more. > > Yeah, he'll tell her how sorry he is and how things will get better. > And they will, for a while. A very short while. I know...I know. I told her that too but she thinks it's worth one more shot. > And he told her to get a >> massage and manicure/pedicure because she deserves it. It's their [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > (!!!!) Did you hear that? Yeah, infuriating. He is the most selfish man I've ever known. He doesn't love her or respect her. > But he did promise to come home early from work once a >> week from now on. She seems to be pretty happy about it all. I feel >> like crying... >> > I don't blame you. I feel like crying, too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I doubt she will come to her senses. She's been married to him for 8 years and these problems started even before she married him. <shaking head in frustration> At least he hasn't hit her, but still, these things can definitely evolve. -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album > > BULLSHIT. He effectively prevented her from leaving by taking her > > passport and cell phone. Next thing you know he'll be blocking her > > way out of the house. Or hiring servants to spy on her and report > > back to HIM so someone else will prevent her. Yeah, taking away the passport and cell phone is a definite bad sign. > > If he's got all that money, he's going to be paranoid about all > that. [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > Yeah, infuriating. He is the most selfish man I've ever known. He > doesn't love her or respect her. JEEEEZZ!!! That says alot about how much he values his marriage! (not at all.) > > But he did promise to come home early from work once a > >> week from now on. She seems to be pretty happy about it all. I [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > Check out pictures of Vino at: > http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album I hope you're over the flu by Thursday Britta. Purrs for Elsa that she'll find the self-confidence to get out of that bad marriageand go home to safety, and soon. Unlike Catnipped, I have no real advice to offer in the situation, but I think she already gave very good advice. Melissa >Yes, I think he has eroded her self confidence quite a bit. But she >also does have a ton of friends, all of whom love her to bits. She is [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >here (she subbed for 1 year here at the intl. school), she thinks she >could get a job fairly quickly. I'm sorry about your friend. It must be especially hard in a foreign country, but she sounds like she's naturally a strong person. And he sounds like he does actually love her, even if it's in a rather bipolar sort of way. :) >>Yes, I think he has eroded her self confidence quite a bit. But she >>also does have a ton of friends, all of whom love her to bits. She is [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > sounds like he does actually love her, even if it's in a rather > bipolar sort of way. :) That's not love; it's control, and it's obsession. Unfortunately, violence may be the next step. MaryL >> I'm sorry about your friend. It must be especially hard in a >> foreign country, but she sounds like she's naturally a strong [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > That's not love; it's control, and it's obsession. Unfortunately, > violence may be the next step. Doesn't matter if it's "love" or not; it's scary. Some people do things out of love that others wouldn't do out of the deepest hatred. Love doesn't have to be positive.  Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca >> Ugh, what a weekend :-( >> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 70 lines] > > CatNipped I thought of you and 'A Letter to a Young Woman in Trouble', I think it would help Britta's friend if she was able to read it. I hope something can help her. SignatureAdrian (Owned by Snoopy & Bagheera) A house is not a home, without a cat. > >> Ugh, what a weekend :-( > >> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 74 lines] > would help Britta's friend if she was able to read it. I hope something > can help her. Yeah, it's something I look back at now and say, "How could I ever have been so stupid??!" But when you're going through it you have tunnel vision. Britta, here is the link to "A letter..." if you'd like to give it to your friend. http://www.gcmensa.org/aletter.asp Hugs, CatNipped > "Adrian" <anca@bigfoot.com> wrote in message >> [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > CatNipped Thanks, I've saved it and will send it to her at the very next opportunity when she might be willing to read it. I really can't send it now because she's been telling me how everything is 100% better now, etc, etc. Grrr. But I'm sure the time will come to send the letter. -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > to stay there anymore now. I don't ever plan on seeing that a$$hole > again. OH GOD! I so feel for your friend! I also feel for you having had to witness that. Now you know for sure, not that it helps things. > To top it all off, I've gotten very sick with the flu. Body aches, > stomach cramps, sore throat, kink in my neck, hot and cold flashes, [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really > appreciate it. You have feel-better purrs, she has leave-him purrs. Jill Wow. mega purrs. What a horrible situation. > So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really > appreciate it. Lots of purrs for your friend to realize she's being abused and that her husband is not good for her. Purrs for you as well. SignatureVictor M. Martinez Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM) Send your spam here: uce@ftc.gov Email me here: pistorLITTER@BOXaustin.rr.com Huge prayers and purrs are on the way for her to safely GET OUT of there, ASAP. This guy has "ABUSER" written all over him. He'll never change. Well... MAYBE there are abusers out there who actually see the light, with the help of professional counselling, and make a concerted effort to change their behavior. I won't write that possibility off as 100% impossible. BUT... why would your friend's husband ever change, if he has no motivation to? If he's getting what he wants, he's going to keep right on doing the same thing. She needs to keep her passport and other important stuff in a safe place where he can't get his grubby paws on them. Maybe she can place them in a friend's custody (someone nearby, so she can have access to them on a moment's notice) or maybe she can put them in a safe deposit box someplace where HE won't have the key. Either way... she needs to get the #)$(#(@!) out of there, and my empathy goes out to you in your hope that she'll see the light. Been there and done that with a friend and with an acquaintance, too. They both eventually got out. (In the acquaintance's case, she finally saw the light when the abusive husband raised his hand to their little boy, instead of to her.) Additional purrs and prayers for your flu to clear up ASAP so you don't have to drive while feeling ill. Hang in there. Keep us posted. Donna, Captain, and Stanley >Ugh, what a weekend :-( >I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] >So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really >appreciate it. My goodness, what an @$$hole your friend's husband is. Purrs for her and for you to feel better. Theresa Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com = > My goodness, what an @$$hole your friend's husband is. Purrs for her > and for you to feel better. > Theresa Should we not be more precise on RPCA? A true @$$hole has at least one useful function. > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > Check out pictures of Vino at: > http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album This is very scary. That man is dangerous! Unfortunately, this whole situation fits into the typical pattern of abused spouses. Time and again, the abuser will apologize; and the victim will find ways to forgive the episode. Usually, the victim even finds ways to blame herself ..."if only I hadn't done such and such." She needs to get out of the situation (as you already know), but often the victim will not make that decision until it is literally too late. This woman is fortunate because she already has a good support system, but she still seems unable to make the decision. Are there any safe houses in her area? It sounds like that should be her next step, but I am dubious that you will be able to convince her (or, if so, she is likely to return to him in short order). As I said, this is unfortunately part of a similar pattern -- and it's truly tragic. You are a good friend to her!! MaryL >> Ugh, what a weekend :-( >> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >> and he first of all said she was making it up, and said that if she >> went home she wasn't ever coming back. Then he threatened to commit >> suicide. Then he took all her clothes and put them in a huge pile >> outside my room. [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] >> home because me being there was making him so much madder. I won't >> be able to stay there anymore now. I don't ever plan on seeing that >> a$$hole again. >> To top it all off, I've gotten very sick with the flu. Body aches, [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > herself ..."if only I hadn't done such and such." She needs to get > out of the situation (as you already know), but often the victim will > not make that decision until it is literally too late. This woman is > fortunate because she already has a good support system, but she > still seems unable to make the decision. > > Are there any safe houses in her area? It sounds like that should be > her next step, but I am dubious that you will be able to convince her > (or, if so, she is likely to return to him in short order). As I > said, this is unfortunately part of a similar pattern -- and it's [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > MaryL I don't think there are any safe houses in Bangkok. But she wouldn't go to one anyway. She has lots of friends she could stay with. I just hope she starts keeping her passport at a friends place so that he can't take it again. I live 2.5 hours away, so that's not practical I think if she did make the decision to leave, she would just get a ticket and fly home to Texas. She said that she is mailing the financial info to her best friend back home, so that's one less thing to worry about if she leaves. And she is stockpiling money and hiding it around the house. But she definitely isn't leaving this time. I wonder how long this "truce" will last? -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album >>> Ugh, what a weekend :-( >>> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > thing to worry about if she leaves. And she is stockpiling money and > hiding it around the house. If she thinks he doesn't know where to check around his own house she is sadly mistaken. But she definitely isn't leaving this > time. I wonder how long this "truce" will last? I'm giving it 2 weeks, tops. Maybe longer if he goes out of town and then they have a joyous reunion... then maybe 4 weeks, 5. Then he'll blow his top again. Jill >>>> Ugh, what a weekend :-( >>>> I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] >>> convince her (or, if so, she is likely to return to him in short >>> order). As I said, this is unfortunately part of a similar pattern >>> -- and it's truly tragic. >>> [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >> mailing the financial info to her best friend back home, so that's >> one less thing to worry about if she leaves. And she is stockpiling >> money and hiding it around the house. > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > I'm giving it 2 weeks, tops. Maybe longer if he goes out of town and > then they have a joyous reunion... then maybe 4 weeks, 5. Then he'll > blow his top again. > > Jill She told me this morning that it usually happens every 3 to 6 months. But this time was the worst, although he has taken her passport and computer before. But she said that last night she showed him the emotional abuse website and he admitted to doing all those things and claimed he was shocked at himself. <shrug> I'm not buying it but there's absolutely no way I can force her to leave. I've told her that I'm there for her no matter what. We'll just have to wait and see what happens :-( -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album [[> I don't think there are any safe houses in Bangkok. But she wouldn't > go to one anyway. She has lots of friends she could stay with. I > just hope she starts keeping her passport at a friends place so that [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > thing to worry about if she leaves. And she is stockpiling money and > hiding it around the house. If she thinks he doesn't know where to check around his own house she is sadly mistaken.]] I thought the same thing. She might want to put anything she doesn't want him to take away in another location altogether... maybe a friend's house, maybe a different bank account in her name only, maybe a safe deposit box. I hope that before long, and before anything bad happens, she takes *herself* to a different location altogether. Donna <big snippo> > I don't think there are any safe houses in Bangkok. But she wouldn't > go to one anyway. She has lots of friends she could stay with. I [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > hiding it around the house. But she definitely isn't leaving this > time. I wonder how long this "truce" will last? I was once in a similar situation and I was exactly like your friend, believing that *this time* the apologies were really meant and it would all change. It didn't of course. It actually got worse and worse and it took me 12 years to decide I just couldn't tolerate any more. It's a good sign that it seems as if your friend is making plans, like the financial stuff. It probably means she is biding her time until the time is right. Let's hope so. It was all over for me - I thought it was a good idea to pretend not to care what was done to me - after all, it *is* reaction that these power freaks want - when to get more reaction, one of my dogs was thrown against the wall. Dear little timid Daisy. I went to court and got an injunction with power of arrest for him to keep away. Long years of court battles followed. About the house, about the dogs, you name it. It took 10 years to get over it financially. Emotionally, hmmm. I am very happy now on my own and have no plans to ever change it. I hope your friend will manage to get away when she can. Please continue to support her. I say this because the embarrassment factor was planned so you would feel uncomfortable to visit again. It usually works, too. My family and friends stopped visiting, but this is the last thing you need. I so hope she can get away. I hope you soon feel better too. (too much talking about emotional abuse, not enough purrs for you..) Feel better soon! Tweed > So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really > appreciate it. > -- > Britta Purr purr purr purr.... So sorry you're under the weather, and really sorry about your friend. If there's ever a silver lining, I bet you left your friend's house with a new and deeper appreciation of Dennis. That's what I thought about when I read that story. (LOL, *my* DH, though, not Dennis). He is just so kind and goodhearted I take that for granted too much. Sherry >> So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really >> appreciate it. [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Sherry Yes, you're right. I even wrote Dennis a sappy email telling him how lucky I am to have him and he responded in kind. Mind you, that's not rare for us, we're always telling each other how lucky we are. It's frustrating because I know what a truly great relationship is and I want the same for all my friends. -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album Purrs for your health and for your friend to eventually make the right decision Gordon & the TT > So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really > appreciate it. > -- > Britta Purrs for Elsa, and for you. You're doing all you can for her. Joy > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > Check out pictures of Vino at: > http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album Mega purrs for your friend and for you to feel better!!! Lesley Slave of the Mega-Purring Fabulous Furballs I'm terribly sorry, Britta; it must be just horrible to witness this and not be able to convince your friend; sending purrs for her to get counseling that will help her get out of this situation and lots of purrs for you during this time, both for your emotional support and physical recovery. hugs, Christine > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > Check out pictures of Vino at: > http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album <snip> > So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really > appreciate it. Mega purrs for you and your friend, I hope she finds the strength to leave that SOB. SignatureAdrian (Owned by Snoopy & Bagheera) A house is not a home, without a cat. She cannot get rid of him until she herself is willing to do so. She needs you to support her, to build her self confidence, to help her discover that she can live without him and be better off in doing so. Ordering her to leave him will just make her cling to him tighter. Withdrawing from her will leave her alone and even less able to do what she should. Purrs. --Fil > She cannot get rid of him until she herself is willing to do so. > > She needs you to support her, to build her self confidence, to help > her discover that she can live without him and be better off in doing > so. > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > --Fil Yes, you're exactly right. I'm just going to continue to be her very good friend and support her. I hope she gets to the point where she feels she can ditch him. But I can't keep nagging her to because now that everything's "fine" again, she will be resentful of that. -- Britta "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album > Yes, you're exactly right. I'm just going to continue to be her very > good friend and support her. I hope she gets to the point where she > feels she can ditch him. But I can't keep nagging her to because now > that everything's "fine" again, she will be resentful of that. No matter how bad it is, you're the outsider and he's the insider. If you badmouth him, she'll just get defensive. I'm so sorry. I wish I had the magic answer. I have a friend who's in a bad situation, although not quite as bad as what you describe as far as I know. If I knew what to do to get her out of there, I'd have done it already. Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca > Yes, you're exactly right. I'm just going to continue to be her very > good friend and support her. I hope she gets to the point where she > feels she can ditch him. But I can't keep nagging her to because now > that everything's "fine" again, she will be resentful of that. That's really about all you can do. I've seen a similar scenario kind of second-hand here over the last few years. In that one, fortunately, the person finally left the, ummm, unsuitable spouse, and it seems permanent. But it took a long time, and a couple shorter split-ups. It is extremely difficult to admit a mistake of that magnitude (ie getting involved with someone abusive) and seems to typically take quite a while and several attempts to extricate oneself from the situation. And it doesn't help if everyone says 'He's a bastard, dump him!'. It's not that simple emotionally. SignatureCheryl Britta, we are purring and praying that you feel better soon so you can go take care of your visa. We are also purring and praying that your friend finally leaves her abusive husband. He will keep doing this (being a bastard then being sweet) all their lives together, and things will never improve and may even get worse. I'm glad you're a friend to her, maybe she'll finally listen to you. Lily & her mama Jazz, RB SignatureIrulan from the stars we come to the stars we return from now until the end of time > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > Check out pictures of Vino at: > http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album >Ugh, what a weekend :-( >I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] >So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really >appreciate it. You got it, Britta. I'm sorry your friend backed down. It will only continue, or get worse. She needs to help herself and get out of the situation. I send purrs that she does. And purrs to you to get over the flu. No fun! Ginger-lyn Home Pages: http://www.spiritrealm.com/summer/ http://www.angelfire.com/folk/glsummer (homepage & cats) http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~summer/index.htm (genealogy) http://www.movieanimals.bravehost.com/ (The Violence Against Animals in Movies Website) The cycle of abuse and then apologies and promises is a classic sign of an abusive relationship. Of course, if he were rotten all the time she would have left long ago. I Got Flowers Today~ It wasn’t my birthday or any special day. We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real. I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today, and it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today. ~Author Unknown~ > The cycle of abuse and then apologies and promises is a classic sign > of an abusive relationship. Of course, if he were rotten all the > time she would have left long ago. > > I Got Flowers Today~ I'd completely forgotten about that poem. It's heart-rending in it's truth. Jill So many bad news. I know it's really hard but I do hope Elsa leaves her husband before something even more serious happens. I'm really sorry you have to go renew your visa while you are so ill. Lots and lots of purrs and best wishes for you to feel much better really soon, SignaturePolonca & Soncek > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > Check out pictures of Vino at: > http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album > Ugh, what a weekend :-( > I went to visit my friend Elsa in Bangkok, like I often do. She's [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > So if y'all could spare some purrs for my friend and me, I'd really > appreciate it. Purrs that Elsa finds the courage, strength and self-confidence to leave this relationship. Purrs for you to feel better soon. SignatureElise (supervised by Gossamer & Jeeves) pics: http://photos.yahoo.com/dragonandthistle@snet.net Purrs that you're better. Its already Thursday there. Suz&Spicey |
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