deal with my difficult/negative/criticizing mother.

First hint and most important - get a best friend (or come here) to talk
about your problems and *DON'T* tell your mother about anything bad that's
going on in your life.  Relate only the happy things to her, and if she's
like my mother and is so negative that she can turn even happy events into
fuel for criticism, then talk to her only in generalities like you would a
distant acquaintance.  How's the weather?  How's your team doing in the
bowling league?  How are *you* feeling?  Etc.

Which brings us to hint two... always turn the conversation around to her.
Most people like to talk about themselves and mothers are no different.
When she starts to criticize or nag, quickly say, "Oh, I'm fine mom, but how
is your backache, I was worried about you being in so much pain."  That will
divert the negative attention from your life to her own problems - then you
can be sympathetic and supportive of *her* and show *her* how to be a good
mother.

Which brings us to hint three... show her what it is to be unconditionally
supportive and loving.  A lot of times our mother's mother was even worse
than our mother, and our mother did not have a good example of how to be a
good mother.  My mom was *very* undemonstrative and "cold" as I was growing
up.  *I* was the one who, after I was grown and had children of my own,
started giving her hugs and kisses and saying, "I love you, mom".  At first
she was very stiff and uncomfortable when I hugged her and she would screw
her face up with her mouth all squinched to the side when I kissed her.  But
after a few years of "forcing" affection on her, she loosened up to the
point where she can *initiate* affection and she is a much more loving and
less critical person than when I was younger (although it's still kind of
weird for us because I still tend to take on the "mother" role in our
relationship)!

Which brings us to hint four... learn how to mother yourself.  Sounds silly,
but it works.  I know how badly a person want his/her mother to comfort
him/her in time of trouble or need - but if you have a critical mother you
can be assured that she will only make you feel worse when you do try to
turn to her.  Learn how to either get support from other people, or learn
how to assuage your own hurts by doing things for yourself that you wish
your mother would do for you.

Which brings us to hint five... beef up your self-esteem before you talk to
your mother.  When you're feeling down, *don't* immediately pick up the
phone to call your mom for comfort - as I stated above, you'll only end up
feeling worse.  Instead wait until you are feeling good about yourself and
sit down and make a list of all the good things that are going on in your
life or all the things you like about yourself before you give your mom a
call.  The tone of your voice will set the tone of the conversation, and
you'll have a much nicer visit.

I hope this helps those of you dealing with difficult moms.  It took me 53
years to get to this point, a lot of them wasted trying to get approval and
love from a person who just did not know how to give approval or love.

Hugs,

CatNipped