Cary can now crawl at an amazing rate. Turn your back for a second and he's
already in the laundry, or bathroom, or racing up the hallway on an
important baby mission. IBKFergus is almost always beside him, and quite
frankly I'm not sure who is following who.

It was time for baby gates.

The baby gate across the hallway, which blocks off access to the bathroom,
toilet, laundry and bedrooms, is tough for even me to open. Fluffy can
eventually push her way through it, and both cats can get through it, Shmogg
with slightly more effort than IBKFergus.

But the gate across the kitchen has caused alot of grief. We don't have a
*doorway* to the kitchen, our house being "open plan" (a very stupid idea
for many reasons), and the standard baby gate was far too short to span the
width of the room. We have handy friends who traded baby gate installation
for the old PC, and whilst the kitchen baby gate is far from pretty, it more
or less works.

It keeps Cary, Fluffy and sadly, Shmogg out. Only IBKFergus is slim enough
to pass through the slats. To say that Shmogg wasn't pleased is an
understatement. The kitchen - like the rest of his house - is His, not ours.
We just live here in return for kitty krunchies and the occasional scritch.
And we all know that the kitchen is where the yummiest stuff of all
happens - hoomin food.

Of course, the kitchen is where the Water Squirter of Doom also found.
It sits utop the bench, near the microwave, and its mere presence
discourages all but the most determined cat - or IBKFergus. Shmogg, you see,
is smart, and knows very well what the Water Squirter of Doom does, and will
only run the gauntlet if the possible reward is worth it. But IBKFergus, if
not stoopid, then more enthusiastic than smart, hasn't figured out what that
bit of kitchen equipment actually means. Or maybe she doesn't care. Either
way, she's th emost brazen little hussy in the kitchen, and if she really
isn't all that smart comapred to Shmogg, she sure makes upt he difference in
sheer determination.

Dinner time at Chez Chapman, and I was cutting up bacon. 4 pairs of eyes
tracked my every move behind th ebaby gate. Two of the mouths attached to
the eyes drooled. One of the droolers may not have been drooling for the
bacon but rather his teeth coming through, but thats neither here nor there.
One fuzzy little brain was contemplating how to b*st*rd c*t trick me into
giving him bacon whilst meowing plaintivly liked the half-starved and hard
done by cat he truly beileves he is, and the other fuzzy little brain
was....

Attached to the nose that was already in the bacon.

FERGUS!!!!!

I grabbed IBKFergus, plopped her on the floor, and squirted her out of the
kitchen, and send a squirt or two Shmogg's way so as to quieten his singing.

Fluffy, of course, loves squirting water, and, thinking it was a game,
jumped up to "catch" it in her mouth, in the process knocking the Yowlet
over. Now I had an over excited dog thinking it was play time, a b*st*rd c*t
howling at the unfairness of hte world, a sopping black cat trying to get
back into the kitchen, and a crying baby needing some comforting.

"JOEL! Come and look after the baby!"

Joel, was - naturally - not within hearing range ( or so he claims) and I
wasn't going to leave the bacon unattended to go find him. Shmogg may be
somewhat geriatric now, and not as agile and quick as IBKFergus, and Fluff
is well, Fluffy, but given the oppurtunity and the temptation of actual real
life bacon, and I'm sure they could have gotten through the baby gate with a
combination of sheer brute force and sheer brute will. I'd put nothing past
those two.

So, I open the baby gate to pick up Cary, and three furry bodies rush past
me at the speed of lightening to access the bacon.

"Out! Out! *OUT*!!!!" I screamed.

Cary was uninjured, his accident quickly forgotten after being given a
wooden spoon to play with, and I shut all four of the critters out of the
kitchen again.

Unfortuantley, IBKFErgus slipped through almost immediatly and her nose was
quickly returned to the bacon.

"FERGUS!!!!!" I screamed with increasing frustration, and once again
'escorted' her out with a torrent of water from the Squirty Thing of Doom.

Unfortunatley, I wasn't quick enough, and she'd snagged a morsel, and was
hurriedly consuming it in front of Shmogg and Fluffy. Fluffy just drooled
some more, but Shmogg was most offended that her underling had scored and he
hadn't.

"MEEEOOWWRRROOOOORRR!" he swore at me, it being my fault of course.

*squirt*.

"Meow!"

*squirt*

"Meo-"

"You want to go for a third squirt?" I interrupted him, waving the Squirty
Thing of Doom meanacingly in his face.

I was answered, silently, with The Stare of Death, not noticing that
IBKFergus has used this distraction to sneak back into the kitchen and mooch
yet more bacon.

"FERGUS!!!!!!"

I'd like to say that I'm a sharp shooter, a quick draw Mc-Chapman, and
perhaps I am because all three furry people were getting a liberal squirting
of water, as my nerves were fast unravelling.

"JOEL! Come take care of the Baby. I can't cook dinner like this!".

Amazingly, at the threat of going without his supper, Joel re-appeared, and
began to entertain Cary with blocks and the thing-that-goes-ding. Seeing
that
Cary was now having Fun, Fluffy and IBKFergus quickly joined them, leaving
only Shmogg to stare at me pitifully from behind the prison walls.

Peace restored int he kitchen, I continued to prepare dinner in peace, only
being bothered by Shmogg's stare boring a hole in the back of my head. At
least he was quiet now, thanks to the trusty squirt bottle standing guard. I
don't know what I'd do without...

"CRASH! SPLASH!"

And IBKFergus had gotten into the kitchen again, and instead of heading
straight for hte bacon, she'd knocked the squirt bottle to the floor, and
had angled the fall such that the squirting mechanism had entirely broken
off, rendering it useless. A puddle of slightly vinegary water was quickly
appearing on the floor. Shmogg smirked approvinlgy, IBKFergus darted
out of the trajectory of the the teatowel flying her way, and Fluffy
woofed in sheer delight of all the excitement going on.

"Arrrgh!" I screamed, as I mopped up the puddle, "have the #$@&%
bacon, you b*st*rd c*ts! I give up!"

Wisely, Joel offered to take over the making of dinner at that point.
Although I could do without the bacon on the pizzas that he ordered.

Clearly, Shmogg's training of IBKFergus in the art of the b*st*rd c*t trick
is coming along nicely.

Yowie