<snip>

None of us can say. Even you, who know the boy so well, are surprised and
shocked. Eventually, he may be ready to try to explain what happened. It's
going to be difficult for you and him and the other boys and the people in
the store, and I'm sure all our thoughts and purrs will be with you.

I would guess he is actually ashamed. I would also guess he has some
tremendous problems he's been hiding. I just hope that he gets some help. We
all know how terribly hard it is to say we are wrong or did something stupid
over small wrongs. This must be overwhelming for all concerned.

I'm sorry; I really wasn't trying to place blame on you or his family,
although it probably came across that way.  Teenagers are under a lot of
pressure; the eldest child usually is, too.  But of course he's responsible
for his own actions.  Maybe he didn't talk to you because he's not proud of
the kinds of things he's been doing?

I hope that you get a chance to reach out to him, and that he trusts you in
the future.  Please don't give up on him. We all have made mistakes; his was a
doozy, but he's still family, and if what you've said is true, you may be in a
position to help him.

The eldest child is often pushed, by circumstances and (probably
unconsciously) by parents to be an overacheiver.

Hugs,

CatNipped

I don't mean to justify his behavior, but sometimes kids that seem too
perfect to their peers are pressured to prove they are not.  And too often
if they do, they don't have the "street smarts" to not get in to deep or to
protect themselves.

Jo

What could contribute to such action is called "friends".

I think you said it yourself in your first post.  His parents had
recently divorced.

Often first born children are over achievers.  They take on more mature
roles because they are the oldest and feel that they have to be perfect
as an example for the younger siblings.  Then the parents get a divorce
and inside the kid blames himself.  If only I were more perfect, this
wouldn't have happened.

But then the kid realizes that there is no way anyone could be more
perfect, and he gets mad.  If my being perfect wasn't good enough, I'll
be as imperfect as I can and see what that gets me.

Basically, your nephew needs to know that you accept him, no matter what
he's done or how disappointed you may be in him.  He needs to know that
the divorce wasn't anyone's fault, especially his.  Sometimes these
things just happen.  I also think that your nephew's family needs family
therapy to work their way through their feelings about the divorce and
to learn to grow from the experience.

You can help him now by talking with his parents and offering to give
emotional support for the family while they work their way through
therapy.  Letting your nephew know that you love him no matter what will
help as well.

Purrs, and healing thoughts for you and your nephew with all the
troubles he's having.  Maybe he could use a stint of volunteering with a
local animal shelter.

Pam S.

Thank you all for allowing me to rant yesterday. I agree with most of
you that the best thing I can do is make myself available to him when
he is read to talk, not when I am ready.
The poster Jack and I have very similar ideas on teaching our nieces
and nephews. I was so mad yesterday that I could not think straight but
after dwelling on it most of the night I feel better. I took the
opportunity to go and see the family and they are all devestated by it.
My nephew is 16 now and has never been in trouble so I hope that the
judge will take that in to consideration at the trial. I am by no means
saying he should get of scott free, but I do feel as if a few months of
juvi hall and probation, community service and alot of counseling would
be in order.