Too true, but I wouldn't be opposed to having required parenting classes in
Junior high schools and high schools.  Specifically the "Three Cs" as
outlined below.

C1 - Control, and this means control of yourself first! No screaming or
hitting in reaction to what your child does, that gives HIM control over YOU
(HE does act A, YOU have reaction B - he controls you!). It's very easy to
lose your temper and threaten or spank the child, but this only strengthens
his knowledge that he can control your actions with his. You'll usually calm
down later and regret grounding him or hitting him and then rescind the
punishment or apologize, again this puts him in control - he got his way
with no, or amended consequences.

C2 - Consequences, both good and bad as in, "If you choose to finish your
homework you'll get an extra fifteen minutes of TV tonight, if you choose to
not finish your homework you will be given two extra chores to do". ALWAYS
put it in that manner - that he is the one who is choosing his fate, not you
or anyone else. Remember to keep both the rewards and punishments
reasonable. Don't make rewards or punishments you can't keep. Don't promise
a new bike if you can't afford one, and don't threaten to "ground him for
the rest of his life" when you know that's not conceivable. Keep all things
"child-sized" - an ice cream cone is precious to a three-year-old, and a
fifteen minute time-out works better than a week's grounding, and it still
gets the point across. For older children and teenagers larger rewards or
punishments are necessary. AND CONCENTRATE ON THE REWARDS! It's long been
known that positive reinforcement is much more effective (although it may
take longer) than negative reinforcement. Always tell him the results of
EVERYTHING he may choose to do, before hand. [Side note, this was especially
hard to do with my very creative son - who would have thought to say to the
boy, before hand, "If you choose to shave the cat, you'll be given a 15
minute "time-out"??!??] Always let the child know that HE has the choice of
what will happen to him as a consequence of the way he acts. This teaches
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. It lets the child know that whatever consequences
fall upon him are the result of HIS actions (this is mostly true in
society). Always let him know that it is HIS choice and HIS actions that
receive the reward or punishment, not you arbitrarily deciding his fate or
"just being mean." Put the responsibility on HIS back, and let him learn it
well. When he whines about a punishment, calmly say, "I'm sorry, but this is
what YOU CHOSE to happen." When he is thrilled with rewards, say to him,
"You earned this yourself with YOUR CHOICE of good behavior." Remember, the
more praise he gets for his good behavior, the harder he will strive to be
good - it's human nature to want to be praised and we will work VERY hard to
achieve it.

C3 - Consistency, consistency, consistency - CUBED!! Once you set the
consequences, carry through, IMMEDIATELY, EVERY TIME, with both the rewards
and the punishment (the immediate part is especially essential, because
children have a different concept of time than we do). After you have this
working for a bit and the child is behaving like a little angel for weeks,
you might be tempted to let him get by with a little misbehavior just this
once - BIG MISTAKE! This will scrap all the work you've done and you'll have
to start all over again. Children will always test the limits. My
pediatrician put it like this "Parents are safety rails for a child. If you
were on an unfamiliar balcony, wouldn't you reach out and shake the railings
to see if they were sturdy and dependable before leaning your weight on
them?" When he learns that there is a consequence to his every action, EVERY
SINGLE TIME, then it will stop being a performance and become a part of his
mentality. Think about it in the adult world. If a many-times-convicted
thief has not stolen for three years then steals again, do we say, "Well,
you've been so good for three years, we'll just let you go on this one." NO
WAY, he gets convicted and sent to jail yet again!

All of this seems very simple, condensed down this way, but there was a lot
more we had to learn along with the Three Cs. The program lasted two years,
going to three-hour "classes", four times a week. It was very hard to change
MY behavior (it is so hard to look at your prized antique vase shattered on
the floor and not scream just a little!) I was also working against
everything I'd learned from "the way I was raised," - early learning goes
very deep. I think four years of high school training might be enough for
most teens (if they were taught well when they were younger).

[Another side note... The Three Cs works just as well on another adult as it
does on a child. It's human nature to want and work for good strokes and to
avoid what hurts. Try it on your spouse or boss! ;> ]

Hugs,

CatNipped

Tahts the downside of "breeding licences", and I agree it would start the
slippery slope into eugenics (anyone see Gattaca?), but Parenting has got to
be the most important, and the hardest, job on earth.

Just because one has the ability to produce children doesn't necessarily
mean that one ought to.

Having just recently become a parent, I paid for 10 weeks worth of 3 hour
"ante-natal" classes. Total waste of money, IMHO. I would have given birth
whether I'd done those classes or not, and hte people in the delivery room
would have done and said the same things to me whether I'd done the class or
not. Cary would have come out inthe same manner whether I'd donehte classes
or not.

10 weeks of 3 hour classes about "how to be a parent", with perhaps half an
hour on the mechanics of birth and breast feeding, would have been far *far*
more useful, IMHO. It may haved saved us the therapy sessions we're now
paying far more for.

Yowie

Hopefully you arent infertile, then, if you ever plan to have children.
When you adopt, they do exactly that.

IMO, mandatory parenting classes wouldn't be a bad thing in this
country - just make it part of the labor/delivery/discharge process.
If nothing else, it would be a vehicle for educating people as to where
to get help if they feel overwhelmed.  

-L.

It wasn't really a  serious proposal, Monique.  It opens WAY too many
cans of worms! And I agree, the decision to become or not become a
parent should be up to the individual, NOT the gov't.  It was simply a
frustrated observation on my part that sometimes all the wrong people
end up in charge of children.  Life can be hard enough even for people
with loving parents with good intentions. For kids with irresponsible
and worse abusive parents, it's so much worse. People like that guy,
though, should NEVER be responsible for a baby.

Melissa

Hmm, I thought I posted a reply last night, but it doesn't seem to have
shown up.  Trying again,Monique et al, Parenting Licences are NOT a
serious proposal on my part, just to clarify that bit. What I wrote
above was more of a frustrated "How do people like that ****er EVER get
placed in charge of a baby!?" observation than a realistic proposal.

I do NOT want and do not advocate that any government entity should
EVER make decisions on who should and should not be allowed to have
children. Just as I feel that a woman should be able to have a private,
honest conversation with her gynecologist about ALL the options open to
her and then decide what is best for her  on that basis WITHOUT anyone
from the gov't intruding and trying to make a criminal of her and her
doctor.

Parenting classes might be VERY beneficial though. Not as a mandatory,
punitive or humiliating thing, but as a positive, and preparatory step
for new parents.  I remember when my nephew was born, my brother said
my SIL's ob/gyn told them  "The first two weeks are  a crisis." Basic
information on diapering, breastfeeding, and general coping might
really help when new parents feel completely overwhelmed by their new
baby, and are wondering how to get through a long, sleepless night of
fussiness.

Melissa