Victor M. Martinez
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monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

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Cheryl

Christopher A. Young
Learn more about Jesus
    www.lds.org
    www.mormons.com

WHY WE LOVE KIDS

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,
I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell
me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it
out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and
said with a harming little smile, "We better throw this one
out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now.

She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up
and down at my uniform, she asked,

"Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing
the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should
ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well,then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would
you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and
then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit."

"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole
and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he
thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....
and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what
I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think
it's Adam's underwear!"
-
3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in

heaven, Harold is His

name." " Amen"

-
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you
can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am."

-
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's
wife."

-
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted
to stay with you guys."

-
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,
Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at
bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the
prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into
temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
Amen."

-
...and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And
forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who
put trash in our baskets."

-
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little
girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

-
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang,
and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had
enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

-
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity
for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I
can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and
said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

-
A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and
led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the
sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy
thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him
back down?"

-
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know
what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed
her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"

-
Words of wisdom from children...

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
-Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8

Christopher A. Young
Learn more about Jesus
    www.lds.org
    www.mormons.com

From: "Me" <me@privacy.net>
Subject: OT: A SOUTHERNER'S FIRST WINTER IN THE NORTHEAST
Date: Saturday, January 10, 2004 11:07 PM

                   A SOUTHERNER'S FIRST WINTER IN THE NORTHEAST.

Aug. 1  Just moved to our new home in Massachusetts.  It is so
beautiful here.  The city is so picturesque.  Can hardly wait to see it
covered in snow.  I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 1  New England is the most beautiful place on earth.  The
leaves are turning all different colors.  I love the shades of red and
orange.
Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer.  They are so graceful.
Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth.  This must be
paradise.  I LOVE IT HERE.

Nov. 11  Deer season will open soon.  I can't imagine anyone wanting
to kill such an elegant creature.  The very symbol of peace and
tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon.

Dec. 8  5:00 PM.  It's starting to snow.  The first of the season
and the first one we've seen in years.  The wife and I took our hot buttered
buns and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was such a beautiful
sight!!!

Dec. 9  We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering
the landscape.  What a fantastic sight.  Every tree and shrub was covered
with a beautiful white mantle.  I shoveled snow for the first time in years
and loved it.  I did both the driveway and our sidewalks, then we had a
snowball fight (I won).  Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally
covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver
smiled and I waived back as I shoveled it out again.  What a beautiful
place. Nature in perfect harmony.  I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 19  More snow last night.  I love it.  The snowplow guy did his
trick again (that rascal).  A winter wonderland.  I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 22  Snowed again last night.  Couldn't get out of the driveway
to get to work this time. I'm exhausted, and have blisters on my hands from
shoveling.  Damn snowplow.

Dec. 24  It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the
temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees.  Several limbs on the trees
and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow.  I shoveled our
driveway again.  Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick
again.  That a.shole!  Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

Dec. 25  "White Christmas" my busted a.s.  More f.cking snow.  The
snowplow got stuck down the road and that sh.t-for-brains had the balls to
come to my door and ask to borrow my shovel!  I'll give him the f.cking
shovel.....  I chased him with it for a quarter mile.

Dec. 30  More of the white sh.t last night.  Been inside since
Christmas day except when "Snowplow Harry" comes by.  Can't go anywhere.
The car is buried under a mountain of goddamn snow.  Don't know why they
don't use more salt on this f.cking ice.  The weatherman says to expect
another 10 inches of this sh.t tonight.  Do you know how many shovels full
of snow 10 inches is?

Jan. 1  Happy f.cking New Year.  The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN).
We got 34 f.cking inches of snow this time.  At this rate, it won't melt
until July f.cking 4th.

Jan. 4  Finally got out of the house today.  Went to the store to
get food and on the way back, a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit
the filthy creature.  Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car.  Wish the
hunters could have killed them all last November.

Jan. 8  Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which
soon became ice as the temperature dropped again.  Bought studded snow tires
for both cars.  Fell on my a.s in the driveway.  $145.00 to a chiropractor,
but nothing was broken.  More snow and ice expected tonight.

Jan. 12  Still cold.  Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order
to get her to work.  She slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable
amount of damage to the rear quarter-panel.  Had another 8 inches of white
sh.t last night.  Both vehicles covered in salt and crud.  More shoveling in
store for me today.  That mother f.cking snowplow came by twice today.

Jan. 13  It's 2 degrees outside.  More fuckin' snow.  Not a tree or
shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged.  Power was off most of the
night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene
heater which tipped over and nearly burned the house down.  I managed to get
the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyelashes and eyebrows.  Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency  room
and was totaled. Finished the trip in an ambulance.

Jan. 14  Goddamn mother-fuckin' white sh.t keeps coming down.  Have
to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox.  If I
ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart.  I think he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and
buries our driveway again!  Power still off.  Toilet froze and part of the
roof  has started to cave in.

Jan. 15  6 goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin'
sleet and fuckin' ice and god knows what other kind of white fuckin' sh.t
fell again last night.  I wounded the fuckin' snowplow a.shole with an ice
ax but he got away.  Wife left me.  Car won't start.  I think I'm going
snow-blind.  I can't move my toes.  Haven't seen the sun in weeks.  More
snow predicted.  Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees.

Feb. 10  Took the car to the garage in town today.  Would you believe
the body is rotting away from all the f.cking salt they keep dumping all
over the roads.  It really looks like a piece of rusting sh.t.  "Alternate
transportation" in this goddamn state is a f.cking Snow-Cat.

Mar. 12  March winds my f.cking a.s.  It's a f.cking white-out.
They're  calling it the "Blizzard of '96".  Can't see the f.cking porch for
the blowing goddamn snow.  It took out the TV antenna and I'm getting Cabin
Fever.  f.ck this, I'm moving to the south again.

Mar. 20  Moved to Florida today.  I can't imagine why anyone in their
right f.cking mind would want to live in that God-forsaken State of
Massachusetts.  I LOVE IT HERE.

Damn!   Something just bit me!..........

Christopher A. Young
Learn more about Jesus
    www.lds.org
    www.mormons.com

From: "Arno Martens" <snetram@sympatico.ca>
Subject: (Forwarded) Diary of a Snow Shoveler
Date: Saturday, December 27, 2003 11:42 AM

Diary of a Mad Shoveler

December 8:  6:00 p.m.  It started to snow.  The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching huge, soft snowflakes drift down from the heavens.  It
looked like a Grandma Moses print.  So romantic - we felt like
newlyweds again.  I love snow.

December 9: We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!  Can
there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt
like a boy again.
Did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow
came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so
got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a
disappointment. My  neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow
by the end of winter, I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't
think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man-I'm glad he is our
neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow!!  Eight inches last night.  The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The
wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks.  This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  Wish I wouldn't huff and
puff so.

December 15:  20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly-we aren't in Alaska after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my a.s on the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours.  Had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. No TV. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try to
irritate her. Guess we  should've bought the wood stove, but won't
admit it to HER!  God, I hate  it when she's right.  I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:  Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling.  Took all day.  Goddamn snowplow
came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they say
they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out.  MIGHT get another shipment in March.  I think they're
lying.  Bob says I HAVE to shovel or the City will have it done and
bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22:  Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt until August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom.  By the time I
got undressed, went to the bathroom, and dressed again, I was too
tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for
the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is
lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What, is
she nuts?  I don't have time-I HAVE TO SHOVEL!!  Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago?  She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: Six inches.  Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the
SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
ears.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me
to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25:  Merry Christmas.  20 more inches of the @#%*@ slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of more shoveling makes my blood boil!
God, I hate snow!!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I
have a bad attitude.  I think she's an idiot.  If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful  Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in.  Why in the hell did we ever move here?
It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -5.  Still snowed in.  The wife is
driving me  CRAZY!!!

December 29: Ten more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I have ever heard.  How
dumb does he think I am?

December 30:  Roof caved in.  The snowplow driver is suing me for a
million dollars. The wife went home to her mother as predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?