*worry worry*
Jinglebell has the sniffles. Jinglebell has a crusty eye in the mornings.
Jinglebell is party to a kennel cold I do believe. We're going out of town
Sunday to visit Denver and give Abi a chance to play in the snow. The two
girls are staying home, Cammi (dad's girlfriend) said earlier she'd feed
them the last time we went out of town. Since they were moving the trailer
and I didn't trust family to come into our house and not let Luna escape
leaving her out all week, I kept all of the at the vet but this time... I
think I'm going to ask if they'd drop Jinglebell off for our trip so he'll
be around someone all day if he worsens.

Jingle also has a very noticable backbone. My girls have kibble crunchies
out all the time and they graze all day long, so they're rounded out. JB
just seems awful thin. I don't like thin animals. If I can feel vertebrate
bumps, they're too thin. He's just.. the poor guy he's got a cold, he's a
stray stuck in a pen for lord knows how many days and it'll take a while to
beef him up to muscular yet not fat. He looks rough tonight.

Off topic... I haven't had a zanax in over two months. Today was the closest
thing to hell since the funeral. Tomorrow is going to be just as bad, Jody's
predicting worse. For the first time in ten years I skipped his family's
Christmas Eve event. Too many kids, too much of everything... Dad is
undergoing Hep C treatments, part of those treatments cause extreme
depression, mood swings, the whole deal. (He contracted it during a blood
transfusion in the very early 80's or one in late late 79ish for colon
cancer surgeries) So I spent the evening over there with him and Cammie
while Jody and Abi visited his family. It was low key, very somber but in a
way one of the nicest Christmas Eve nights I've had in a while, as oddly as
that may or may not make sense. I can't explain it, perhaps it's the moments
I'm cherishing with Dad because he is sick, a temporary sickness but ill all
the same. Or something. It's like... something like the post Sept 11th days,
immediately after. How bonded and close and special those times were. Even
though it was horrible, those days and weeks throughout the rest of
September and October I do consider very important and a gift of it's own
sort.  I don't know. I wish I had the ability to express what made tonight
so nice with my father. Mom and I have always had days we shared one on one.
Several years ago for one reason or another, Dad and I lost that. We share
the same birthday so as a child I always had a special lunch or other treat
with him. As I got older, we began to share our birthday with everybody,
losing that time. Maybe tonight was a sort of return to it.

Maybe I need to reevulate my decision to toss the antidepressants out the
door...
It's safe to say I'll be glad when the holidays are done. It'll feel like a
break until Eve's birthday rolls around and then just a few months short
until it'll be a year since I saw her, a year since the accident, a year
since I had to say goodbye. And maybe then it'll be ok...

One minute I'm thankful for what I do continue to have and the next, I'm
leaking all over my keyboard again.

Twelve minutes into Christmas Day.
Will it be a sin to use that last vicodin left over from my root canal
before we venture out into family houses later today? I'm just so tired of
hurting. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm crying for Eve, I don't
know *why* I'm crying or what starts it... Why is today any harder than any
other day, she's still gone... I'm crying because I know nothing can ever
erase this. It's scary to think about it, that this doesn't go away, I won't
wake up and it'll be a dream, this is something I have to go through and I
can't stop, get out of the car and say ok, let's pick this back up tomorrow.

Bloody nightmare is what it is.

Sixteen minutes into Christmas Day.

Goddess save me and give me strength. Purr and prayers wouldn't be a bad
thing to have either.

Grace