I'm sorry, Baha, that this time of year is a traumatic one for you.  Please
accept our very best purrs and hugs for you to find some peace in your heart
to tide you over this difficult time.  I think this is a hard time
emotionally for a lot of folks; I know it takes some extra effort to make it
through to the beginning of the year for me.   I find as I get older that I
want to detach myself from the frenetic feeling of this time of year; I
found out last year after our kitty rescues/vet bills that despite all the
hardship I was the happiest I'd been in a long time during the holidays just
from having accomplished a few good things.  I can only imagine that
Fritzie's life brought much joy to you and it seems he also made a wonderful
difference to those who knew him at the vets', too.  Remember his lovely
soul with fondness during  these days and think of the love you shared;  I
miss my very special boy, Frodo, greatly and always will but we had a long
and happy time together and I feel his presence still graces my life
especially with the needy ones he's sent my way.
Much love and many  hugs, to you always,
Christine

((((((((((((((Baha))))))))))))))))

--
Joy

{{{{{{{{{purrs}}}}}}}}}}} to you Baha.  I cannot know the pain you're
feeling, but I cry with you in sympathy.  Christmas is the most
difficult time of year for so many people - it brings into focus some
of our most painful memories and exacerbates feelings of lonliness and
isolation.  

Tish

[regretfully snipped]

Hey!  It's all cool.
You know a lot of people don't even need that horrendous experience in
order to dread the holidays. ;)

It's all so confusing, isn't it?  

<sob>  No matter how old they are, you are never ready for the moment.
I'm glad he got to enjpy his favorite thing one more time.

Amen!

Miss Jean Louise-- your kitty is passing.

You know, you don't *really* sound so bah-humbug to me.  
Do whatever you have to do for yourself.  And make those kitties look
after you. ;)

Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh
My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com

Purrs for James coming and continuing purrs for Joycie (how is she doing?)

Try to get some rest to restore yourself.  Take some "me" time - go to a
spa, go have a manicure, go do something to spoil yourself just a little.
Don't let this hectic time of year sap your reserves.

I can't even imagine the horror you lived through - I wasn't hit until I was
married to my ex - the abusive, alcoholic @$$hole.  I can't, and never will,
understand how anyone could hurt a child or any other helpless creature.
There *has* to be a special place in hell for those who do.

Oh please!  You??!?  A whiner???!!!!!   Weak???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not even
close!  I'm glad you're seeing someone else - is it helping at all?  If you
wouldn't mind, I'd like for you to email me your telephone number so I can
call you (lcrews-at-houston-dot-rr-dot-com), because I'm very concerned
about you and I think I may be able to help.

Christmas is the *WORST* time of year for those who are suffering with
depression.  It's all that expectation that everyone should be happy and
filled with joy and the illusion that everyone else but you is happy and
filled with joy - it makes you feel very isolated and alone with your pain.
It makes you feel like you shouldn't be "bringing everyone else down" by
"complaining" so you keep all that pain bottled up inside until it
overwhelms you.  It makes you feel like you will never be happy again.  It's
the time of year for reflecting on the past, and when your past was filled
with horror that is *NOT* a good thing.  I know all this because28 years
ago, at Christmas, I took 50 Valium and 50 Placidils ("red jellies" the
strongest sleeping pill you could get).  The doctors in the emergency room
were extremely shocked that I came out of my coma.

Over the years I have learned many, many coping skills.  I've learned how to
detect the early signs of depression and what to do to counteract them
before the depression becomes so deep that it is too hard to overcome and
the effort becomes to great.  There are many, many small "tricks" that even
the psychiatrists don't seem to know that can help pull you back from the
abyss (some are downright silly, but hey, whatever works!!).

I can share all that with you, I can be a shoulder to cry on, I can
understand what you're going through (I, to this day, do not like Christmas
so you can feel free to grouse about it all you like and I can truly
sympathize).  I can tell you funny stories about Sammy until you laugh in
spite of yourself!!!  Please let me call you so I can try to help (my
company pays for my cell phone, so don't feel like you don't want me to call
because of the money spent on long distance).

Why is it that all bad things seem to happen right at Christmas?  That's one
reason why my favorite quote, from Spider Robinson's "Death Killer" is, "If
a glutton commits gluttony, and a felon commits felony, then God is an
iron".  God *does* commit irony, it must be His favorite joke on the world.
Just at the time of year we are supposed to be rejoicing about His Son's
birth, He gives us our worst hardships and then lets us stand, seemingly
alone, amidst the joy and celebration around us.

Our Percy did the same thing - we lost him last November.

{{{{{{{{{{Baha}}}}}}}}}}

I agree.  I think that those people who think that God put animals on the
earth just to be "used" by man, who think that animals don't have emotions
or feelings, are going to be quite surprised when they meet Him and learn
the truth.

Oh wow, your vet clinic sounds like one I would love to have care for my
furry little darlings.

Well, at least you picked a harmless way in which to "lose it" - you could
have done much worse (I have in moments of panic, depression, and despair).

That's lovely Baha.

I would have loved to have known him.

No need to apologize - there are *quite* a few of us here who know exactly
what you are going through.  We'll be here to listen to anything you need to
say, vent all you like - we'll probably agree with most of your laments.

Please don't feel you "have" to be merry - that's part of the problem.  You
don't "have" to feel anything just because others expect you to.  Feel what
you're feeling and don't worry about what others think.

Again, please send me your number.  There *are* things you can do that will
help you get through this, for some, terrible time of year.  Heck, I have
trouble getting through myself and you just might be able to help me right
back!

This invitation is extended to *ANYONE* on this group who is having a tough
time coping right now.  I've spent 28 years learning how to survive the
holidays without giving in to my depression - it *CAN* be done, it won't
cost you a thing (except maybe a little dignity when you do some of the
silly things that can help you fight depression ;>).  *DON'T* let this
holiday make you feel alone and isolated - you are *NOT*, I am right here
for any of you who need a friend right now.

Hugs,

CatNipped

Lots of purrs going your way.

{{{Baha}}} This is a bittersweet time for me, because my Dad died on
28th December back in 1988, but otherwise I have to admit I don't know
much about what you're going through, since I had a happy childhood with
a caring family. We can send purrs and cyberhugs though. PUUURRRR!
{{{{HUGS}}}}

{{{{{Baha}}}}}}  I'm so sorry you went through that pain.

Sometimes, there are just horrible days, and it is hard to ever feel
the same on those days again.  December 8th, for me, is both the
anniversary of John Lennon's murder, and the anniversary of when we
had to have Circe put down.  Not a good day.

I have nightmares like that a lot, unfortunately.  Losing cats, trying
to round up cats, some horrible disaster like a tornado that sends me
running around trying to make sure all my babies survived.  It's
terrible.  You have my sympathies

The holidays are hard, especially if they have been bad in the past,
or if you have lost loved ones during them.  Ten years ago, I lost two
beloved cats in December, Circe (14-1/2) to cancer on Dec. 8, and
Geesha (17-1/2) to kidney failure on Dec. 26.  It was a terrible
holiday season.  We're all supposed to be cheery and bright, and
sometimes we just *aren't*.  And that is okay.

Here's hoping that you make it through the holiday season reasonably
well this year, without trauma.

BB,

Ginger-lyn

I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you for all you've been through,
past and present.

Fritzie sounds like a wonderful cat who gave joy and comfort to both his
friends and strangers.  Most of us can only hope that we ever do as much good
as he did.

I also had an odd cat dream last night.  I dreamed that animal control was
putting cats in tiny, tiny cages way too small to even stand up in, and they
wouldn't listen to me.  Maybe disturbing cat dreams are in the ether somehow.

Please don't think that you're a whiner, or weak.  You've been through a lot,
and anyway, depression can hit us even when there's nothing wrong.  For as
long as I can remember, Christmas has been a mixed bag for me.  I love sitting
by the tree at night, just staring at the lights in the dark.  I love having
family nearby.  But I hate the pressure, the buildup of expectation.  The
worry about getting what for whom, even though we all know it's not the
present itself that matters, but it's the thought, and who wants to feel like
they've done a bad job of thinking of their loved ones?  *sigh*

One day at a time.  Some days are better, some worse.  You'll get through it.

*hugs*

<snip stuff that made me cry>

Can't do anything that would help in a practical way, but my most heartfelt
prayers and purrs. If you need to let off steam, or write anythign else, my
inbox is always open - I can only offer to listen, but listen I will.

{{{{{Baha}}}}}

Yowie
(mind the spamtrap)

What a lovely tribute! Fritzie was truly a special cat.
Purrs and hugs,

Purrs that this is a good year and helps to ease the pain. Hang in there
sweety.
Suz
Macmoosette
=^..^=   =^..^=   =^..^=   =^..^=  =^..^=  =^..^=

    "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
    --Faith Resnick

(=':'=)
(")_(")

Purrs for James' full and speedy recovery.
{{{{Baha}}}} purrs for you that each day your spirit may feel a little
brighter and your heart a little lighter.

More inserted.

I'm exhausted, simply put. Mandatory overtime at work for the holidays,
spending the rest of the time doing for Joycie and visiting our buddy
who, we just learned, is in ICU with a bitching case of pneumonia so bad
they had to put him on a respirator (purrs for James, please! He has a
collapsed lung and is in rotten shape.) and I am worn thin.
CY: Wow, helps me to appreciate my blessings. I'm fighting a sinus
infection, and winning. Thanks to penicillin.

This is why
you haven't seen me here in a few days. I love you all, but I'd been
needing some beauty rest because I am a freaking mess right now.

I don't like this season all too much. Christmas was the most horrid
time of the year as I was growing up, because there was more abuse. I
sometimes had to "earn the right" to get presents by getting beaten, or
touched. I had my first nervous breakdown (which caused an amnesia that
lasted almost 20 years) less than a week before Christmas, when I had
just turned 14. To this day I have trouble remembering anything prior to
1978.
CY: My parents were seldom satisfied by anything I got them, so Christmas
isn't one of my good holidays. I spend the day in the truck bringing
presents to children and families  who aren't expecting me.

I'm sorry. I hate being a whiner, being weak. In addition to my
psychiatrist, I began counseling at the Jewish Center here in Buffalo,
hoping they had experience with Holocaust-related issues. Survivors,
yes.
CY: Even Jesus had to lay down and take a nap now and again. It's not a
weakness.

Remarkably, there are no studies on descendants of survivors, and
were they surprised to learn I'm a Sikh! I suppose you just don't see a
pale, redheaded Sikh every day. Learning that my father actually got
into the camps for helping smuggle Jews out of Poland is making it even
more confusing for those poor social workers.
CY: So, confuse them. They'll get over it.

Last year on December 8, the following things happened in a space of
three hours:
1.  I lost my day job.
2.  I had to start the evening job I took for the season.
3.  I got my period.
4.  We had to put our Fritzie to sleep.
CY: Wow! What a list!

He was 19, and the day before had been fine. Then the morning of the
8th, he just crashed and burned. The vet warned us. Liver failure.
Still, he managed to do everything he loved one last time. He went
outside and sat under his favorite rosebush a while. He munched a bit of
catnip, and played with his little tassel on a sting thing, albeit
weakly. He went to every room and meowed loudly, as if he wanted to
leave the resonance behind. And then we took him.

I am indebted to the Georgetown Animal Clinic, and will never refer to
any of their vets as the "TED." They gave Fritzie a bit of painkiller
and allowed us to perform our prayers and blessings for the dying as is
done in Sikh tradition. I held him like a baby as Louie read the Ardaas,
the final prayer, which asks that, in all things, that God/dess be
remembered and that those who nobly lived be nobly received.

How noble was our Fritzie? When there was a suffering creature at the
vet's office, he'd go and make affectionate gestures that always seemed
to calm them down. The poor creatures who were about to cross over
always seemed less tense and less in pain after Fritzie rubbed up on
them. And when it was his time and he heard the heartbreaking sound of a
dog in pain who was about to be euthanized, he tried to jump at the door
to go to him. This is why I'll jump down someone's throat, who says a
cat is cold or animals are just dumb beasts. As Lewis Carroll once
wrote, if God loves sinful man, how much more must he love the animals,
who cannot sin!
CY: I'm with you.

When we were leaving, everyone in the office stood up. Ever see "To Kill
a Mockingbird," when Atticus loses the Robinson case and, despite this,
the defendant's friends and neighbors stand to salute his attorney?
CY: Not often people see real nobility and decency. They saw that in
Atticus.

That's what it was like. They all loved Fritzie. He was their research
boy for feline diabetes, and he was also their poster boy for diabetes
screening and their example of how a cat can have great quality of life
with consistent and watchful care. But they also thought he was a sweet
and noble fellow, with a great wisdom and dignity. He was saluted by the
staff, and the clients who knew him, as if a great leader had left this
world. Perhaps it was so; he was spiritual, and was attracted to
prayers, holy music, and meditation. I think there must be an aura of
sorts around a person in prayer, and a cat can sense it.
CY: I've found that animals behave differently around me when I'm more
spiritual. I mentioned that in my email to you, off the group.

That night I went on a shopping freak before starting the temp job at
the mall, and had to call Louie to take away my debit card. I swear on
my mother's dentures that I don't remember buying that makeup.
CY: Nothing like stress.

I took
four valium before starting at Bath & Body Works. I don't remember much
about my first night there either.
CY: And now they probably wonder what is wrong. I'm guessing they thought
your first day was the rage.

When we received the ashes we had our last ceremony. Sikhs release the
ashes of their cremated loved ones into running water. Water represents
cleansing for our souls and the power of God/dess (our Gurus taught that
the Supreme is One, yet both Mother and Father) to refresh us in our
grief. It is not seen as a throwing away, but giving the remains back to
our Mother Earth in recognition of the teaching that our divine creator
restores as well as destroys. Our prayer for the dying says that nature
performs the true ritual worship, and while the soul is united with
God/dess as a bride with her mate, the earthly part of the being joins
with nature in praise.
CY: Profound.

The vets sent us magnificent roses. Perhaps they knew that Fritzie's
favorite place was beneath a large rosebush in our back yard. We
carefull saved the petals and placed them in the carved rosewood box
they'd given us for his ashes. After a year, they still smell of roses.
We also received a surprise; before preparing Fritzie for his crossing,
the doctor made an imprint of his paw, had it formed into a heart-shaped
ornament with his name, and sent it to us. We keep in in the box with
the rose petals, and it has taken in the sweet scent. He had huge paws.
But then, he had a huge spirit.

So you'll excuse me, I hope, if I'm a little bah-humbug right now. I
love my four babies dearly, but that day was just harrowing. I've been
having nightmares of late, of "losing" one of my cats: them running off,
or me literally misplacing them. Like you can misplace a cat! Last night
I had a misplaced Brandy dream. Right. She is the most in-your-face of
the four, coming in to walk on us at 4 AM until one of us wakes up to
pet her.
CY: Well, I've had a couple nightmares the last week or two. Can't remember
at the moment what they were.

I want to be merry. But damn it's hard. I'm really good at coming up
with pep talks for others, why can't I pep myself? Lewis Carroll again:
"She gave herself very good advice, though she very seldom took it!"
CY: Sounds like you are good old fashioned worn out.

Blessed be,
Baha
CY: Thanks. Hope you'll be home Sunday the 5th when I'm in town for the
single adult meeting.

(snipped for length)

((((((Baha))))))))  We are sending heartfelt purrs your way.

------
Krista

<snip>

Hugs and purrs, Baha. This is the most difficult time of year for many
of us, December 12th will be the 5th aniversary of my little brother's
suicide. I think about him every day. I didn't have a car at the time so
I had to ask my neighbour, who was also my best friend, to take me to my
brother's house. That was the last time I saw him, he died three days
later. His funeral was the same day as my brother's. I wish I could
hibernate until spring.

Soncek and I are purring and sending best wishes for you, Baha, and everyone
else on this very special group who is not feeling well. Holidays can be
really hard, especially with so many unhappy memories. I do hope this year's
holidays will be wonderful for everyone in this group and their families and
friends.
Wishing you all the very best,

((((((((((((Baha))))))))))))

Purrs coming that this year will be a good holiday for you. Others
have already said how this season can be bittersweet for so many.

Oh Baha,after reading your letter I realise how inconsequential I am,
we were always poor, but we were always loved and never abused,
I was always happy, I'm sitting here wondering why some people
have such a hard life, and others dont, and I feel so bad for you.
I hope and pray that for the rest of your life nothing bad will ever happen
to you again, most of the children I've fostered, have had a bad start in
life
and I know how bad it can affect the lives of those who suffer
abuse,cruelty, or even neglect. Wilson and I are sending 'be happy' Purrs
and lots of
big Hugs to you with love and blessings   Jean.P.

Thanks, y'all. You're good people, every last one of you, and many thanks
for helping me buck up.

Louie and I went to see James yesterday at the ICU. I know now that worry
for him was a huge part of my problem. James doesn't have a lot of friends.
He's a brilliant man with an IQ of around 170, and he'll never be able to
hold down a job. He went on a missionary trip to Russia, taking a break from
grad school (astrophysics) and caught some exotic parasite that was
threatening to kill him. The only drug with any hope of working was a
neurotoxin that would either cure him or kill him, and he and his family
decided to take the chance. Now James has a condition that resembles
schizophrenia, and seizure disorder. he is still brilliant in science, but
his neurons don't know how to dance together any more. His bright periods in
life come from church, the science fiction club he and Louie and I belong
to, and Doctor Who videos provided by my husband. People don't understand
why James isn't quite right, and shy away from him even though he wouldn't
slap a mosquito for love of living beings.

He'd finally come out of the stupor he was in for over a week. When he saw
us, he tried to sit up but was too weakened; still, he showed that he's got
a fire under his a.s and we couldn't be happier. He has fight in him now,
and he's frustrated as hell because he can't speak with the tracheostomy.
I'm just glad he's working harder to breathe on his own and that he wants to
move and get out of there. The doctors expect he'll be there a good month
yet, but he's healing and I am profoundly thankful. Louie and I plan to give
him a big party at the next club meeting that he's healthy enough to get to.

Joycie is also fighting like hell. Out of the hospital, her white cells at a
more reasonable level, she's busting her chops to toughen up and her hair is
starting to come back in. Never thought that would happen while on chemo.
She's got a kind of GI Jane look that her boys tease her about. The doctors
still don't know the long-term prognosis; either that, or Randy is lying
through his teeth in an effort to keep the atmosphere positive. To distract
Joycie from all this, Louie and I found quite possibly the nastiest jigsaw
puzzle in the world, shaped like an orca and having absolutely no straight
border as a reference! That should keep her going for a good long time, and
I expect some good, healthy swearing.

And little ol' me? I went and got some stuff for the Marines to pass out to
kids for Christmas, and my next toy will be a Nerf bat so the next time I
feel like hell, I can bash something without causing harm. The therapist at
the Jewish Center sugested I get one of those bopping bags like you get
kids, you punch them and they bounce back upright, and whip it with a Nerf
bat. I'll get the little bugger a blond wig and glasses so it'll look like
my boss. And if I don't get the Rolls Royce and world peace that I ask for
every year, I'll put a Santa hat on it!

Am I sounding like myself again?

Thanks for putting up with my holiday yuckies!

Blessed be,
Baha

Sweetie, as one who was raised in abuse central, I understand where
you're coming from.  I used to have to force myself to be happy for the
rest of the family (especially future gene pool's) sake.  One day, my
middle son, Michael, told me, "Mom, you don't have to be happy for us,
we want you to be happy for you."  I had not known that they noticed,
let alone cared.  It really freed me, not to have to be happy.

You loved (and were loved by) a remarkable cat.  I think he understands
that you are sad without him, but also wants you not to grieve for him.
 May you wake up one Holiday season morning and find yourself filled
with joyous memories of Fritzie and how much love he had within him.

As for the memories of the abuse.  Hey girl, guess what?  You're more
than the abuse, and living well is the best way to get revenge on those
who abused you.  I find myself feeling sorry for my father and brothers
because they caused their own miseries.  Sad isn't it, that they
couldn't be responsible for their own problems and had to take them out
on a little kid?  So stuff them.  If they couldn't be responsible for
their behavior, why should you make yourself responsible for it?

You're free girl.  Go out and fly a kite, or do something else that
you've always wanted to do (and never felt free enough to do) to
celebrate being you.  Me, I am thinking of getting a radio controlled
boat of some kind and taking it to the lake and playing.

Pam S. who is celebrating another season of being free from her abusers,
and being loved by her real family and friends