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Cat Forum / Cat Anecdotes / May 2008Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)
Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it "Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother would have brought some flowers.... He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and can we stop off and get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the ordeal of me having to pick her up! After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby (Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting) put flowers down then went home Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"- then again I lie better!) I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps it's a female thing... Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary is not right Sorry I am letting off steam Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs > Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So > arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Slave of the Fabulous Furballs At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out. I can understand why you were upset. (((((((((Lesley)))))))))) Joy > At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out. I didn't want him to "get caught out" I know he has a lot of other worries on his plate right now....I just wanted to do the decent thing and had planned to call him and say I'd done it Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs On May 18, 11:09 am, "Joy" <toas...@real-me.net> wrote: > At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out. I didn't want him to "get caught out" I know he has a lot of other worries on his plate right now....I just wanted to do the decent thing and had planned to call him and say I'd done it Lesley *** You are a good person, Lesley. Joy > Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So > arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Slave of the Fabulous Furballs Yes, but don't waste your time and brain space on him. It's so distressing when siblings act like a**h***s, especially after a parent's death, because you so much wish you could all be on the same page.  SignatureTheresa, Stinky and Dante drtmuirATearthlink.net Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes like forever to me that is. I really don't worry much about how others feel. I have learned that part of handling grief for some is to put the person in a private box in their heart. It would hurt too much to show they still cared. You did the right thing for you, and I am proud of you for doing it, just let each handle it in their own way or you will be miserable and, you don't need that. > Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So > arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Slave of the Fabulous Furballs > Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it > is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > own way or you will be miserable and, you don't need that. > .. well put. My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2. Little time goes by that I don't think of them. I don't go grave sites, my parents are not there (my father's ashes were released at sea so he has no grave site anyway). If someone wanted to draw a conclusion about how much I loved my mother by my not visiting a grave they are welcome to conclude what they like. I try to carry my parents with me every day (what would Dad do, what would Mom do?). If there is someone whose standard I don't meet in this, screw them. Andy >> Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it >> is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Andy Nothing wrong with that I firmly believe the body is just a husk. the soul joins the rest of the people, family, friends, furballs that love me and are there to watch over me. I don't mourn the dead I celebrate their life. I took me a little while to come back and realize that with Spirit's death yes it hurt but I know he is up there waiting with the rest of the ones that I love driving them insane like he did to me here. By the gods how I miss him butI will see him again I don't know if I told you folks or not but, I sort of got kicked off a GRIEF site. I went there just looking for something, not sure what, because by the time Bob died it was a relief for him and me. Caregivers often feel that way when there is so much pain involved. Anyway I understand some stay on these sites for a long time to help others but, I did a post about "how it seemed so many only talked of the day their loved ones lift this earth and, not celebrated their life. I mean a lot of them jumped on me and said I was so insensitive so, I wished them a happy life and Rainbows and Warm Breezes and left. >>> Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it >>> is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > of the ones that I love driving them insane like he did to me here. By > the gods how I miss him butI will see him again >> Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it >> is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Andy Well said, Andy. I'm still fortunate enough to have both my parents though I still feel the pain of losing my younger brother in '99, he has no grave, his ashes were scattered in the park where he wlked his dog. I don't have visit a place to remember someone and to me flowers would be a waste, I'd rather make a donation to a charity. SignatureAdrian (Owned by Snoopy, Bagheera & Shadow) Cats leave pawprints on your heart http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk "Adrian" <anca@bigfoot.com> wrote in >> My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2. >> Little time goes by that I don't think of them. I don't go grave [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > dog. I don't have visit a place to remember someone and to me flowers > would be a waste, I'd rather make a donation to a charity. If anyone asks me who my heroes are I answer my biggest hero is my Father. There are so many reasons; his humanity, his clear unvarying moral compass and the fact that as we were growing up he worked two full time jobs and one part time job (leaving about 4 hours to sleep) so we could have the things my 3 siblings and I needed. He was one of the most intelligent people I ever met despite a limited education career. He gave my sibs and myself (my mother helped too) a love of music that has made life bearable at the worst of time and a true joy at the best of times. When I told him I felt this way he said he never expected me to be the one who would feel that way about him when he remembered some of the things that went on between us (we fought a lot when I was a teen). I told him he was using the wrong memories; I remembered him carrying me on his shoulder to the doctor when I sprained my foot and how he almost cried when the allergy doctor gave me injections in my nose (it really only looked bad). Then I said what memories are you thinking of (wise guy me)? The last time I saw him he said "you were always my favorite (I kind of always knew that) and I told him he was always mine. I told him I loved him and he me and that was the last I saw him. There is little chance I could ever fill his shoes but that is ok with me. Andy > I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the > guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Sorry I am letting off steam Rant away. If my kids forget to bring me flowers on the anniversary of my death, I'm going to come back and haunt them. I don't send flowers to my parents, but there are a lot of good reasons for that. Like I not only live across the country, but the only person available to put them on the graves is totally unreliable, a liar, and a thief. I think of Mom every Memorial day as she died on Memorial day 1971. I try not to think about my father. Pam S. > Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So > arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Slave of the Fabulous Furballs It's okay, let off steam, better than blood pressure going sky-high. May I once more point out, even though I don't know your brother, I assume he is a male, LOL.....and their minds just don't work like ours. Also, they - generalization here - seem to get over bad stuff faster than we do....or else they hide it better. God forbid they should look or seem 'sentimental' to anyone. Flowers is about as sentimental as you can get, IMHO. I have a suggestion to maybe make you feel a tad better; tell your Fabulous Furballs *all* about this...they don't judge, but they can be of tremendous comfort in times of stress. Yes, I'd be upset if it were me. But then again, he's a bloke, and blokes generally just don't 'get' how important flowers can be at any time/occasion. Also looking at it in a kindly light - if he's got a lot of other worries at the moment, he could well be utterly distracted by those. And, everyone handles grief differently, there is no single 'right way' for a person to grieve. It may be that he finds it upsetting to talk about your mum and being a bloke, shuts it off... copuld be all sorts of reasons. *hugs* On May 18, 4:12 pm, "wafflycat" <w*a*ff£y£cat*@£btco*nn£ect.com> wrote: > Yes, I'd be upset if it were me. But then again, he's a bloke, and blokes > generally just don't 'get' how important flowers can be at any [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > *hugs* Is those comments about 'bloke" pretty much basically what I said? Bloke is male, right? You need to do what you feel is right and let other people deal with their own things. If you want to take flowers, take them. Do it yourself. Other people have their own house to put in order and they have to do it themselves. It may be that your brother does not consider flowers important (It took me several years to explain that even if DP thought sending cards for special occasions was stupid, the gesture was meaningful to his grandparents and parents). He DID visit the marker with you, that has to count for something. I may look bad to many of my relatives for not attending my grandmother's funeral (she is the one who raised me). I spent my money going to see her when she was ALIVE earlier that year and had no money left to fly to a funeral, nor did I want to pressure my mom into giving me money as I got the impression she didn't want me there (she had her own grief to deal with and we inevitably fight when we're in close contact too long, even WITHOUT outside pressures like a death in the family). I have a shrine to my grandmother in my house and I think that does her a greater service than me fighting with my mom at the funeral--the only thing is, none of the family knows, and they might well think me a loser. I can live with that. Maybe your brother shows his grief in other ways (and doesn't want to tell) or maybe he really has moved on almost completely, but that's not really your concern--your OWN relationship to your mother is. > > Yes, I'd be upset if it were me. I have always told my children to give me flowers, come and see me while I know they are here. I have seen friends go into debt to fly across the country when someone dies and I know the person would hate that if they knew. Give the love now, once someone is gone, that is the end of it. > You need to do what you feel is right and let other people deal with > their own things. [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > >> > Yes, I'd be upset if it were me. As others have said, different people grieve differently. I'd add that after a death - and quite a long time after a death - I think I lot of people are naturally very sensitive to issues surrounding the death. I know I am. In my family, most of us don't do much with flowers for the dead. Some of us remember anniversaries; others (including me) tend to block out dates although we do remember our dead - just not on particular days. When it comes to funerals and memorials we range from none at all to traditional religous funerals, depending on the best guess of the nearest relatives as to what would be most appropriate. So I have had some experience biting my tongue when people don't do what I would have preferred. It would have been nice if your brother had realized how important the flowers were to you, but you got them anyway, and both of you paid tribute to your mother in your own ways. Cheryl > Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So > arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... <snip> > I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the > guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Sorry I am letting off steam I don't know your brother, but clearly your brother didn't think flowers were important, and you did. Thats why you went back with flowers. But its not really about flowers... There are two issues here: that he 'doesn't think of your mother much' whilst you do, and that he didn't listen to you and your desire to get flowers (even though they were unimportant to him). If I was in that situation, I would have interpretted those two things as him not caring about me and my feelings, and him not caring about our mother. *That* would have me royally annoyed too. Yowie > Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So > arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > "Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother > would have brought some flowers.... Right or wrong apply to what we do, not to how we feel. We pretty much feel what we feel, not a whole lot of choice about it. What matters to some of us, doesn't matter a bit to others. Much to everyone's dismay a lot of the time. I know it would never occur to Charlie to remember the date of anyone's death, much less to make a point of visiting or bringing flowers. We were trying to figure out a while ago when he last saw his nephew. It was at his mother's funeral, I think. Probably about twelve years ago. I'm not sure and he has no clue. Only that close as his nephew's daughter is getting married next month and I think she was about five then. As you might imagine, he isn't really big on birthdays and anniversaries, etc either. So while there isn't any right or wrong about how you feel, you are annoyed. That is just as fair and legitimate as his inability to see and understand that it matters to you. Even when you told him. Jo > Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So > arrangements were made to go to the crematorium... [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > > Slave of the Fabulous Furballs Maybe he can't really take the pain and so blocks out thoughts of Mum? |
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