 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
| HomeDiscussion GroupsGeneral TopicsCat AnecdotesHealth and BehaviorRescue CatKB.com Contact UsLink To UsSearch & Site Map |
Cat Forum / Cat Anecdotes / January 2008Smokey Finds Religion
And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable delivery to Smokey the Poke. In those days it was decided, one's daughter should not drink all the Irish Cream, Sharidan's and Wild Africa herself, and so her parents came for the celebration of the New Year. And with them there came a ham, a ham cooked in the Old Year, and for five days they ate of it, but it did not diminish. It dwelt in plastic, served cold with dijon by night, and even in sandwiches and with breakfast, it remained vast and mighty. So that it might not be wasted they brought it with them in their travels, and it came to rest in the fridge near where Smokey was fed. And Smokey ate of it, and it was good, and henceforth it was decreed that Ham shall be the Truth and Ham the Way, and where there is Ham, there Smokey was in the midst of it. And Smokey wholly intends to eat of it for seven days and seven nights, if only Mom would let him have more than a slice at a time, and does not cast it down into the dumpster. For even if it is cast down, it will rise again, eternal and everlasting, Bacon Forevermore. Let us sing. *Apparently, the song "I took a look in, the Joy of Cooking" is Smokey's new sacred hymn. I'm trying to tell him that the chorus proclaims "The answer's BAKING," not BACON, but he seems utterly unwilling to brook challenges to his new belief as a born-again Porkitan. Also Smokey, what does this mean for Dad? You aren't going to persecute him because he's a vegetarian, are you? Smokey sez "No, he's the Keeper of the Food. See, In the encyclopedia I read about ancient religions that had sexy ladies and all the guys who looked after the sexy ladies had to get fixed. It's kinda like that. I know he ain't gonna like, desecrate the ham." --Fil > And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable > delivery to Smokey the Poke. [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > --Fil No, can't argue with that reading. ;) This is soooo funny. The perfect end to a long stressful day. May there be many more Smokey the Poke stories.  SignatureCharleen Aggie Marble, Victor Velcro The Spirit of Mr. Pumpkin St. Cloud, Florida USA > And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable > delivery to Smokey the Poke. [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > --Fil > *Apparently, the song "I took a look in, the Joy of Cooking" is > Smokey's new sacred hymn. I'm trying to tell him that the chorus > proclaims "The answer's BAKING," not BACON, but he seems utterly > unwilling to brook challenges to his new belief as a born-again > Porkitan. ROFL! Caliban sez, 'where do I sign up?' SignatureMarina, Miranda and Caliban. In loving memory of Frank and Nikki. > And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable > delivery to Smokey the Poke. [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > --Fil ROTFL SignatureAdrian (Owned by Snoopy & Bagheera) Cats leave pawprints on your heart http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk >And lo, at the dawn of the new year there came a miracle, a remarkable >delivery to Smokey the Poke. And it came to pass that the Messenger of the Great Cat, She who is called Roxie, and is even venerated as an incarnation of this same Great Cat, did look upon the Ham and tasted that it was good, and verily a sweet savor unto Her nose. And it came to pass that She did bless the Ham with the Most Glorious Sound of Purr and declared it the most delectable of offerings. And She did say unto the Prophet Jeff, "Let it be known in the world of two-legs that the Ham is to be offered with the Holy Catnip as a love offering, yea even as a peace offering, for so long as I do smell of its savor I shall verily let no two- leg have peace until my portion be received." And it came to pass that on the day He Who is Named Buxees But Everyone Calls Him Louis did make for himself a sandwich of this same Ham, did Roxie verily tear this Ham from the very Bread wherein it lay, as it was to be taken to the lips of Her two-legged servant, and She saw that it was good. And verily did She share with her brother Stosh and the fosterling Brian, for She is a Cat of much virtue; moreover it was not yet the appointed time for Her Sisters Brandy, Odessa-Dolly and Sabrina to be known unto Their devoted servants. And it came to pass that when He Who is Named Buxees But Everyone Calls Him Louis did revive from the very fit of apoplexy which did follow the offering of the Holy Ham, he did laugh, and suffered the Ham to come unto the Cats and forbade it not, for of such was their Joy. Blessed be, Baha Baha, how old is this religion of Porkitanism? Could it be that Smokey is not its First Prophet??? (LOL!!!) --Fil > Baha, how old is this religion of Porkitanism? Could it be that > Smokey is not its First Prophet??? The religion of Porkitanism is welll established in certain parts of East London, indeed her most holy archbishop of the first church of Porkitanism in London, her emminence Sarrasine (accompanied as always by her most loyal and holy biishop of the London Diocese, her emminence Redunzel) have spoken on the subject and the sermon they will preach on the morrow prior to holy communion wherein the altar slaves shall make offerings of ham unto the mortal representatives of the Lord Ham, their God suggests that those who include bacon in their holy services are misled since bacon is not ham. Verily, The Ham is the only true God and those who worship also at the altar of bacon are not truly the faithful of the church (HELP! We have a religious schism on our hands!) Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs >The religion of Porkitanism is welll established in certain parts of >East London, indeed her most holy archbishop of the first church of >Porkitanism in London, her emminence Sarrasine (accompanied as always >by her most loyal and holy biishop of the London Diocese, her >emminence Redunzel) (snip potential heresy) >(HELP! We have a religious schism on our hands!) While the Reformed Fritzian Church considers Ham to be the preferred Offering, Bacon may be so Offered if the Holy Ham is unable to be procured, as it is considered by canon law to be Pork. Spam, however, is ritually unclean for Offerings unto the Great Cat in bodily form, for it can be contested even unto the end of the age that it is meat, yea even food fit for Feline consumption. Blessed be, Baha Papess, First Church of Fritzianity, Reformed, blah blah blah > While the Reformed Fritzian Church considers Ham to be the preferred Offering, > Bacon may be so Offered if the Holy Ham is unable to be procured, as it is > considered by canon law to be Pork. Spam, however, is ritually unclean for > Offerings unto the Great Cat in bodily form, for it can be contested even > unto the end of the age that it is meat, yea even food fit for Feline > consumption. The East London Diocese after much theological debate conceeds that whilst indeed bacon might be a semi acceptable offering shoud ham not be available this merely means the altar slaves have been lax in their duties and will have to do severe penances for not making the correct offering, which should be the ham.the whole ham and nothing but the ham However there is no religious schism on the matter of Spam Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs >> While the Reformed Fritzian Church considers Ham to be the preferred Offering, >> Bacon may be so Offered if the Holy Ham is unable to be procured, as it is >> considered by canon law to be Pork. Spam, however, is ritually unclean for >> Offerings unto the Great Cat in bodily form, for it can be contested even >> unto the end of the age that it is meat, yea even food fit for Feline >> consumption. Support Freedom to PORK!!! Blessed be, Baha, who is wondering if I am about to besmirch a family-friendly site with this post! >The East London Diocese after much theological debate conceeds that >whilst indeed bacon might be a semi acceptable offering shoud ham not >be available this merely means the altar slaves have been lax in their >duties and will have to do severe penances for not making the correct >offering, which should be the ham.the whole ham and nothing but the >ham The Canon Law of the Reformed Fritzian Church stipulates that if Bacon be the Offering in substitution for the Holy Ham, it is largely due to the fact that said Bacon is on sale, and Money saved on said Bacon may be applied to the Most Holy Catnip for Offerings of all kinds unto the Great Cat. blessed be, Baha, Papess, blah blah blah > The Canon Law of the Reformed Fritzian Church stipulates that if Bacon be the > Offering in substitution for the Holy Ham, it is largely due to the fact that > said Bacon is on sale, and Money saved on said Bacon may be applied to the > Most Holy Catnip for Offerings of all kinds unto the Great Cat. Thanks Baha We now have a religious schism in the East London Church. Archbishop Sarrasine says that is not an excuse for verily CatNip is not a worthy offering since all it does is make Bishop Redunzel giggle and fall over Bishop Redunzel suggests DaNip be made part of holy communion Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs >We now have a religious schism in the East London Church. Archbishop >Sarrasine says that is not an excuse for verily CatNip is not a worthy >offering since all it does is make Bishop Redunzel giggle and fall >over > >Bishop Redunzel suggests DaNip be made part of holy communion The Bishop is experiencing the phenomenon known in the Pentecostal arm of the Reformed Fritzian Church as being "slain in the spirit" and the giggling fits are evidence of the Holy Joy as one of the Gifts of the Spirit. Catnip, of course, must be offered as a sweet savor unto the nose of the Great Cat, accompanied with much fervent petting in order to achieve the Most Glorious Sound of Purr, and is suitable for Holy Communion in all services which verily honoreth the Great Cat. The Holy Ham is for feast days. Blessed be, Baha >> We now have a religious schism in the East London Church. Archbishop >> Sarrasine says that is not an excuse for verily CatNip is not a worthy [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Glorious Sound of Purr, and is suitable for Holy Communion in all services > which verily honoreth the Great Cat. The Holy Ham is for feast days. There is a book in this somewhere - fame and fortune await you! Susan M Otis and Chester >> We now have a religious schism in the East London Church. Archbishop >> Sarrasine says that is not an excuse for verily CatNip is not a worthy [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > Blessed be, > Baha Ladies, this exchange is great. I can just see the clerics' procession down the aisle to the altar of the Blessed Ham! Sam, supervised by Mistletoe > While the Reformed Fritzian Church considers Ham to be the preferred Offering, > Bacon may be so Offered if the Holy Ham is unable to be procured, as it is > considered by canon law to be Pork. Spam, however, is ritually unclean for > Offerings unto the Great Cat in bodily form, for it can be contested even > unto the end of the age that it is meat, yea even food fit for Feline > consumption. You and Fil - Yikes - I spilled my coffee! Susan M Otis and Chester All I can say is, as far as I'm concerned, Smokey can join the Porkitans all he wants. Tyche seems into it too and it is a GREAT improvement on Nocturnism....I want to put Nox on the "Radical fringe" ASAP and convert the kittens to something, ANYTHING, else. --Fil >The religion of Porkitanism is welll established in certain parts of >East London, indeed her most holy archbishop of the first church of >Porkitanism in London, her emminence Sarrasine (accompanied as always >by her most loyal and holy biishop of the London Diocese, her >emminence Redunzel) (snip potential heresy) >(HELP! We have a religious schism on our hands!) While the Reformed Fritzian Church considers Ham to be the preferred Offering, Bacon may be so Offered if the Holy Ham is unable to be procured, as it is considered by canon law to be Pork. Spam, however, is ritually unclean for Offerings unto the Great Cat in bodily form, for it can be contested even unto the end of the age that it is meat, yea even food fit for Feline consumption. Blessed be, Baha Papess, First Church of Fritzianity, Reformed, blah blah blah >>The religion of Porkitanism is welll established in certain parts of >>East London, indeed her most holy archbishop of the first church of [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > >(snip potential heresy) And it came to pass that the Papess did look upon the writing which The Great Cat did inspire and didst say unto herself, "Oops, verily I repeateth myself. " >Baha, how old is this religion of Porkitanism? Could it be that >Smokey is not its First Prophet??? > >(LOL!!!) Porkitanism is a sect of Fritzianity which was revealed by the Great Cat in His earthly incarnation of Friedrich Amadeus von Beethoven, known to His votaries as Fritzie, to the Prophet Jeff in 1995. Fritzian doctrine holds that all cats are a manifestation of the Great Cat; it teaches that the Cat is both the Center of the Universe and the Universe Itself, a Mystery known onlky to the Trinity of The Boss, the Great Cat, and Stephen Hawking; and that peace and preservtion of the Universe are maintained by fervent and frequent petting of the Cat in bodily form, for the Most Glorious Sound of Purr is the sound of good karma shifting and redirecting itself throughout creation for the benefit of all beings. Smokey is not a Prophet, but an Ascendant Master and incarnation of the Great Cat, as are all Cats, and is thus Supreme; Prophets, such as Jeff, reveal His message much in the way it was made known that Ham must be included in the Offerings. The Great Cat in Her eathly form of Ryoko-Sakura Rokusaburo Roxie Kaur revealed in the Spring of 2004 that Ham is ritually clean for offerings to the Great Cat, thus instituting Porkitanism as the dominant factor in the Fritzian Reformation; Ham is to be offered along with much Catnip, presented with the Yoga of Petting and the chant of the sacred mantra "Meeeee- aaauummmmm!" Blessed be, Baha Papess, First Church of Fritzianity, Reformed A subsidiary of the Church of the Subgenius May Slack be with you <Enjoyable text reluctantly snipped> > Also Smokey, what does this mean for Dad? You aren't going to > persecute him because he's a vegetarian, are you? [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > --Fil As much as I enjoyed the main story here, this part just made me laugh out loud and DH ask what was so funny. I read it to him and he laughed as well. Smokey is 'da cat. Julie
|
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2008 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.