*FIL places 4 bad kitties into a row on the couch.  Nocturne is
scowling.  Smokey is wearing a festive bandanna. *

FIL:  Now I want to hear that you understand the rules.

SMOKEY:  No caterwauling accompaniments.
TYCHE:  No "songs" consisting entirely of musical rhyming insults.
KUMANI:  No blasphemy against the Christian religion.
NOCTURNE:  No subliminal messages, hypnotism or other mind control.

FIL:  Very good.  Let's begin our annual holiday programme.  This
year's songs are:

Silver and Gold
It Came Upon the Midnight Clear
The Holly and the Ivy
O Little Town of Bethlehem
We Wish You a Merry Christmas

*

NOCTURNE:

Silver and gold, silver and gold,
everyone wishes for silver and gold,
How can we measure its worth?
Just for the *cough* pleasure it gives here on earth...

*NOCTURNE is practically gagging to get that last line out.  Under her
paws is a revised line "Just for the crap I can buy here on earth." *

Silver and gold, silver and gold,
means so much more when I see...

*NOCTURNE is drowned out by TYCHE's howl....*

TYCHE:
SILVER AND GOLD CANS OF CATFOOD
beneath my Christmas tree!

*SMOKEY drools.*

NOCTURNE:

Silver and gold coronation,
for I am queen of thee!

*

TYCHE:

It came upon the midnight clear,
a big bag of takeout Chinese,
That we had ordered on the phone
A dinner sure to please!
There's spicy beef and won ton pork
and jar doo wings you can share
With all your cats who circle round
and sing for Asian fare!

*FIL adds rule about "no food worship" to next year's holiday carols*

*

KUMANI:

The holly and the ivy,
are plants with festive style,
of all the trees that are in the woods,
the holly is so vile.

It isn't good for kitty,
it isn't nice to eat,
just like the dumb poinsettia,
it makes a lousy treat.

The holly and the ivy,
and the mistletoe are dead,
who ever brought them in the house,
is stupid in the head.

*FIL looks really grinchy now.*
*KUMANI looks smug, having made no promises about blasphemy against
Pagan religions.*
*TYCHE insists that if she can't make musical insults, neither can her
sister.*
*NOCTURNE appears begrudgingly impressed.*
*SMOKEY is hiding under a pillow, wishing she had chosen a song that
wasn't about scary things, like forests and trees.  He emerges slowly
to sing his song*

*

SMOKEY:

O little town of Belleville you
have many trailer parks,
around them are the forests which
are really cold and dark.
And in the forest was a cat
a thin and hungry boy,
For whom a dumpster full of trash
brought festive dinner joy.

Then through the lane came RGS (Regional Gliding School)
with aircrew dressed in blue
and they had lots of army food
and lots of cigarettes too!
and when they smoked, they fed the cat
till someone took him home.
And now he sleeps upon the couch
and never more will roam!

*FIL mutters something about the fascination with cigarettes, but
overall Smokey, that wasn't too bad.*
SMOKEY:  You get MomDad to knock off the vegetarian crap and get some
bacon in here, and I'll stop secondhand smoking when the inlaws
visit.  It's not my fault it reminds me of endless food.
NOCTURNE:  They adopted you in August, you cretinous moron.
SMOKEY:  Christmas in July.  Shut up.

*

*EVERYONE joins in*

We wish you a hairy Christmas,
we wish you a hairy Christmas,
we wish you a hairy Christmas,
and a furry new year.

It's warm when we crouch,
and nap on your couch,
Roly poly on Christmas
and most of the year!

We wish you a hairy Christmas,
we wish you a hairy Christmas,
and a furry new year!

FIL:  There, we got through another year.  Goodnight everyone.
*FIL turns her back.*

NOCTURNE raises her paws.  KUMANI and TYCHE come together to sing:

Smokey got run over by a snowplow,
when we kicked him out on Christmas Day,
On Christmas Eve he tried to jump on Nocturne,
and she told him that he would surely pay.

He'd been eating too much catnip,
and we told him to think twice,
but he insisted Nocturne liked him,
and she slapped him out the window in a thrice.

Mom and MomDad are in mourning,
Nox is smug in shiny black,
but we just can't help but wonder
which of us will get bandannas on our back.

We told all our friends and neighbours,
better watch the things you do!
because when Nocturne gives an order,
if you disobey she's coming after you.

Smokey got run over by a snowplow
because he dared to cross the lady Nox,
if you do not learn your lesson
by New Year's you'll be buried in a box.

*SMOKEY howls, latches onto DP's leg, and general chaos ensues.*

Happy Holidays everyone.

--Fil