I know I'm naughty, I copied this from a magazine.

Never use a litter tray that has been used by anybody else or even by
yourself. Insist that your humans undertake their room service duties
seriously and don't hesitate to pee on the couch if standards slip.

Never eat anything that costs less than $3 per can and never eat
anything that has a picture of a cat on the can pr packet. There is a
serious risk that this could actually be cat food and it would therefore
be inappropriate to consume it.

Always make a dash for the newest, palest carpet if you feel a bit
queasy and time the noisiest and messiest vomiting for the arrival of
guests who hate cats (obviously your slaves have failed to consider your
feelings when inviting them).

Yawn and look extremely bored when your slaves return from holiday. Not
recognising them works well, and if you can appear terrified, so much
the better. this will have the double benefit of making them feel
suicidal and will also get tghe cat sitter into a lot of trouble.

Ignore all attempts by the next door neighbour to keep you out of their
garden. Rake up those green granules and do something large and steaming
in them. You are not to be trifled with.

Sort that vet out once and for all. Don't just tell him what to do with
that thermometer - show him.

Have no more nonsense from Mrs. Bloggins' geriatric poodle. If you feel
like riding him down the road, do it.

Undertake that advance safe-breaking course you've always promised
yourself. How dare they think they can imprison a free spirit by locking
the cat flap.

Rip those rubbish sacks open even if you don't fancy the remains of that
glutinous chicken curry takeaway they favour at No.4. At worst, most
people will blame the foxes and, at best, Mrs. Bloggins' poodle will be
in deep trouble.

And finally, the most important resolution of all: resolve to make more
time for yourself. You really cannot take on the worries of the world in
that selfless way that cats have, especially if it means that you're
getting less than 23 hours sleep a day.