Bandit Crews - April 8, 1990 to June 4, 2007

My beloved friend is gone.  Dr. French came to our home so that Bandit
wouldn't know fear as her last experience on earth.

She had an easy passage to the bridge, she was so weak that I think the
intramuscular sedative was enough to send her on her way.  When Dr. French
poked her thigh with the sedative needle she gave one last cougar-like yowl
and scared the piss out of the vet tech (Bandit's trademark, patented July
8, 1990).  After that it took about 5 minutes for the sedative to start
working (as I said, I think her breathing may have stopped, or slowed so
much I couldn't see her chest rise, at that point).  Then Dr. French gave
her the medicine that released her from her pain and infirmities.

We had a good weekend together, I got some last pictures of her, and I let
her roam around in the backyard smelling the world for the last time
(http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped/Bandit_Last/).  You can see how
weary she looked in the pictures taken today.

For the last two hours of her life I held her in my arms and petted her, and
told her all that she meant to me over the years.

I can't really relate any stories or memories now - it's still too raw.
Maybe in a week or so I'll redo her web page.  In the meantime, this is
something I wrote for her a while back.

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Looking into your eyes now, I don't see that sparkle of mischievousness that
used to make them glow with the joy of life and the exuberance of youth.
Instead there are spots there."Iris Pigmentation" the vet calls it, normal
for your age, something like liver spots in older people - yes, I'm familiar
with those. Your eyes are misted, cloudy with the years you've lived. But
those eyes still look at me with love and can still melt my heart. The power
of your eyes has not dimmed in the least.

Your fur is not as sleek and shiny now, you don't groom as much as when you
were a young and prideful girl - arthritis keeps you from bending as easily
as you once did. There are spots that are patchy and dry, places where the
hair is thinning (mine is thinning too, my love). Never mind, I will brush
your coat for you, tenderly smoothing those places that are now hard for you
to reach with your scratchy little tongue. My payment for all the times that
tongue lovingly dried the tears on my cheeks when life or love was treating
me badly.

Those legs, once powerful enough to leap to the highest perch, now tremble a
bit when you walk. My heart breaks when I see you eying a favorite napping
spot that you can no longer reach, and then quietly retreating to a corner
on the floor to rest. Be at ease my sweet, I will lift you to wherever you
want to go. I owe you that for all the times you lifted my heart and made me
laugh with your cavorting through the house in pursuit of a fly! I will be
there for you as you have always been for me. I can't run and play as I did
in my youth either, but we can sit together in front of a fire to warm our
tired old bones and reminisce about the time when we thought we could
conquer the world.

Your heart, once so strong and steady, now falters with age. Please, please
dear heart, keep beating. Defy the end and stay with me a little longer. My
own heart will break beyond repair when you are taken from me. Your tiny
heart has always been big enough to hold a whole universe full of love, and
generous enough to forgive me all my faults and stupid mistakes. Yours is
the only heart that has been ever steadfast and true, unlike so many others
that may have been bigger in physical size, but so much smaller in the
capacity to love and forgive. You have always accepted me as I am and never
faltered in your love and devotion to me. I will love you to the end and
beyond, I will never forget you after you have been forced to leave me. My
love will go beyond the grave and lift you to the farthest star, my dear.

I will always remember the gift you gave me, the greatest gift imaginable,
the gift of your life, the gift of your love. I can never repay what you
have given me. I stand in awe of your devotion to such a frail and fallible
soul such as me. The times I ignored you (when someone not nearly as
deserving took my attention from you), the times I left you to fend for
yourself while I took care of more "important" business - oh how those times
now sear my soul with their loss. How I wish now I could recapture those
lost chances to be with you. I know that our time together is so short now
and each second with you is precious beyond belief. Please make those
moments stretch out long enough to assuage my need for your purrs, your nose
kisses, your love.

You no longer pounce through our home with your tail held high, but that is
as it should be. The time we do have left can better be spent cuddled close,
in peace, softly dreaming of what was and hopeful of what will be.

My dear heart, may I have the grace to appreciate what we have, and the
courage to face what will come. I know I can never match your indomitable
spirit, your dignity, and your acceptance of what life brings, so please
lend me your faith that life is good as it is and death will bring peace and
a well deserved rest for a friend who is the best friend I will ever have.

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