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Cat Forum / Cat Anecdotes / June 2007Problem - Bandit and Ben
When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me when I brought food. I had to pull the sofa out and pick her up. When I set her down in front of her food she only sniffed it and then walked away (I know lately she had been taking only a few bites of food lately and I don't see her drinking any more - but today she wouldn't eat at all). When I held her face up to me I saw that her right eye was closed and her left barely open. I knew in my heart that it is time. The problem is Ben. He insists that it isn't time. This morning he opened up a can of tuna to show me that she was still interested in food. She took some of the water from the bowl, but wouldn't eat any of the tuna. While she was licking the water Ben kept saying, "You see, she's eating". When I insisted it was time he snarled, "Well she's your cat so you do what you want, but I don't think you should kill her just because she's old and skinny!" I know this is hard for him because it's around the time of year his dad died - and he just doesn't deal with death at all well, he has a bit of an irrational fear of sickness and death. But I can't let my baby girl suffer for it. However, I know if I do this against his will he will bring this up to me in a nasty way now and every time he gets mad at me. He said he's off this weekend and we could talk about it some more, but 1. I don't want to wait and allow her to suffer, 2. I don't think the vet will make a house call on the weekend, and 3. I don't think he's going to change his mind overnight. Any suggestions?  SignatureHugs, CatNipped See all my masters here: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped/ > Any suggestions? Pick up some CatSure (it's like Ensure for cats) from the pet store today and see if she will drink it. If she does, start weighting her every day. If her weight keeps trending down, you will have proof she's not well. Purrs for you and Bandit. SignatureVictor M. Martinez Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM) Send your spam here: uce@ftc.gov Email me here: pistorLITTER@BOXaustin.rr.com >> Any suggestions? > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Purrs for you and Bandit. Thanks, I'll get some on the way home from work. Hugs, CatNipped > When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her > hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > CatNipped This story about made me cry. First, it shows how tenderhearted he is toward Bandit that he doesn't want to let her go. You *know* that (outside this newsgroup & the circle of "cat people" that's rare). But secondly, he's not being respectful or kind toward you. You're the primary caregiver and he should respect your decision. It's a horrible, difficult decision and he should be supporting you, not making it harder! How about arranging a vet appointment as an "evaluation" of her health and insist that Ben go along. Clue the vet in beforehand. The doctor can explain to Ben *exactly* what's going on inside Bandit and how it makes her feel. What to expect her to go through in the next few weeks. Maybe he will listen to a professional and see things from a different perspective. Good luck. I am just so sorry you have to go through this. Sherry about how Ben feels. She can tell Ben >> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her >> hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for [quoted text clipped - 60 lines] > different perspective. > Good luck. I am just so sorry you have to go through this. Thanks Sherry, I think that is an excellent idea - if a doctor advises him that it's time to let her go he may have an easier time believing that than my "feeling" that it's time to let her go. I think I'll make him come with me tomorrow and see the vet (though I hate to put her through that right now - but I don't think they'll make a house call for anything but euthanasia). Hugs, CatNipped > Sherry > about how Ben feels. She can tell Ben > >> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her > >> hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for [quoted text clipped - 71 lines] > > CatNipped You know, I usually get up from the computer after reading postings and go on with my day and forget about them. Usually. But not this one. I know how hard it is, Lori. I know the hardest part is the time between the time that you've made your decision, and the time it is carried out. I know how your heart breaks in two every time you look at her. Please know we'll be thinking about you, whatever you decide. Sherry I think it's important, for your peace of mind, that he agrees 100%. >> How about arranging a vet appointment as an "evaluation" of her health >> and insist that >> Ben go along. Clue the vet in beforehand. The doctor can explain to >> Ben *exactly* what's going >> on inside Bandit and how it makes her feel. What to expect her to go <snip> > Thanks Sherry, I think that is an excellent idea - if a doctor advises him > that it's time to let her go he may have an easier time believing that than > my "feeling" that it's time to let her go. I second that idea. SignatureJoey DoWop Dee Remember: It is To Laugh > >> How about arranging a vet appointment as an "evaluation" of her health > >> and insist that > >> Ben go along. Clue the vet in beforehand. I don't think Ben is being fair but I understand that he is doing it because upset too. Still, the most important thing is that Bandit not have to suffer and that has to be your priority. I think this idea with the vet is the best one. THe vet will know if it is time -- Particularly if Bandit is too tired to take a piece out of the vet. I won't say you "should" get it done on the spot but you could, if the time was right (Bandit's reaction, what the vet says, etc) Bright Blessings for Bandit and your family. --Fil >>> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her >>> hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for [quoted text clipped - 78 lines] >> Sherry >> about how Ben feels. She can tell Ben Cat I agree completely with Sherry I am so sorry you are having to make the decision. I am sorry I can't say more but the tears are flowing. I wish I had a easy option for you > "Sherry" <sridd...@aol.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > Sherry > > about how Ben feels. She can tell Ben CatNipped, DH and I had the same discussion about Ted (RB, calico queen of the household) - she had rapidly advancing mouth cancer (probably some kind of osetosarcoma) and more-or-less lost all of the quality of life that mattered to her. She was DH's soul cat and the discussion of when to say goodbye was the hardest one we've ever had. I was torn apart by watching her suffer at the same time as I couldn't bear to witness DH's heart breaking with his loss. Even remembering it now makes me cry. We both took her to the vet and had The Discussion. We were unable to make the decision at that time, but talking to the vet about the reality of Ted's prognosis and how her life would continue to degrade gave us grounds for a further discussion that night so the next day we were able to mutually decide to say goodbye to Ted. It is the heaviest responsibility we've ever had to shoulder - deciding on the lifespan of a beloved friend is incredibly difficult and we both felt guilty for a long time afterwards, even though we both knew that we'd done the right thing at the right time. Tish >> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found >> her hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > horrible, difficult decision and > he should be supporting you, not making it harder! Hear hear! > How about arranging a vet appointment as an "evaluation" of her health > and insist that [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Sherry I agree this is a very reasonable course of action. Sometimes people just need to hear it from a professional. It's definitely *not* an easy decision to make and Ben shouldn't think Lori is making it lightly. We all want to hang on. We all want to keep our furbabies with us forever. Sadly, it's just not possible. Jill > I agree this is a very reasonable course of action. Sometimes people just > need to hear it from a professional. It's definitely *not* an easy [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Jill That has helped us. Charlie likes our vet and listens to him when he explains just what a pet is feeling and going through. I get to emotional to do that well. Still I hold them and Charlie goes and sits in the car. And I think that's a shame. I think you need to be there to feel better about what you have to do. Jo >> I agree this is a very reasonable course of action. Sometimes >> people just need to hear it from a professional. It's definitely [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > Jo I think our furry friends know what we're doing, too. When I had to make the decision about my almost 18 year old mutt dog, Sampson, in 1999 he sat in my lap on the drive over with his head on my leg. And he heaved a huge sigh ("Uh-Huhhhh") which he used to do when he was very content. He hadn't done that in a long time. It was almost as if he was saying to me, "Yes, it's time Mom. I'm ready." It didn't lesson the pain any; I grieved for a year. He'd been with me since I was 21 years old. But it was time and as painful as it was, he knew it too. I will always cherish the memories of my little dog. They know. Jill >> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her >> hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me [quoted text clipped - 52 lines] > Sherry > about how Ben feels. She can tell Ben Excellent suggestion, Sherry. Many purrs going out to CN and Bandit. Sam, closely supervised by Mistletoe It's time, Lois. Don't worry, he'll come around to it. Lily & her mama SignatureIrulan from the stars we come to the stars we return from now until the end of time. > When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her > hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Any suggestions? It's clearly time and you have the right feeling. I hope you can make Ben see that this is your last act of love for Bandit, a present for her and not a murder. Nanny >> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her >> hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] >> >> Any suggestions? > It's clearly time and you have the right feeling. > I hope you can make Ben see that this is your last act of love for Bandit, > a present for her and not a murder. Ben does not want to see that at this present moment. He does not want to let Bandit go and I do understand this. I sense the desperation in "look, she *is* eating!" because I have been there myself when the time is very near. It is usually a false hope. I support the idea of having the vet look at Bandit and making a recommendation with both mom and dad present. That way it cannot ever be said that Lori forced the decision should things be verbally thrown in marital arguments in the future. I find this time of when/if/should I/let my beloved pet go the worst thing. I have always said that they give their love and companionship through their lives completely free of charge, but the price you pay eventually is your grief at the end. I will have to stop now, because I am going to cry. Tweed > When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her > hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Any suggestions? Not really. I have been through the same thing with Charlie each and every time. Though I will give him credit that once its done, he accepts that I've done something necessary that he couldn't do. And mostly lets it go. Does he spend time holding her and comforting her? I hope so. Is she in pain? Maybe you can explain the situation to the vet and get something to make her more comfortable. Jo >> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her >> hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > > Jo I don't think she's in pain (I could be wrong, they hide it so well) - she just seems so terribly exhausted with life. Hugs, CatNipped > >> When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her > >> hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > I don't think she's in pain (I could be wrong, they hide it so well) - she > just seems so terribly exhausted with life. If she isn't in pain, I think you can take the time to let the vet give Ben the word, so that BEN doesn't feel guilty about it. Both of you love her and are doing your best. Will in New Haven -- > Hugs, > > CatNipped- Hide quoted text - > > - Show quoted text - > When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her > hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Any suggestions? You've gotten some great advice in this thread, and I hope by now Ben is feeling differently. When I was married to my first DH, and my Sonia (RB) had pervasive cancer, I had to make the decision for the first time to put one of my babies to sleep. On Monday night, I knew she was ready. But DH wanted to spend one more night with her, so I allowed that. By the time we took her to the vet, she could barely move, and I felt so badly that I let her go so far towards death. I'd never dealt with the death of a cat in my care before, but I sure wish I had taken her in sooner, DH's wants or not. Current DH has a hard time dealing with death, too. We didn't choose to put our beloved Mojo (RB) down; his heart stopped at the vet's. But I don't think DH has ever gotten over it; he still can't even talk about it. {{{{{{{CatNipped}}}}}} My heart goes out to you. Ginger-lyn No suggestions, just hugs and purrs for all three of you. SignatureJoy Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. --Nathaniel Hawthorne > When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her > hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > Any suggestions? >He said he's off this weekend and we could talk about it some more, but 1. I >don't want to wait and allow her to suffer, 2. I don't think the vet will >make a house call on the weekend, and 3. I don't think he's going to change >his mind overnight. > >Any suggestions? Your post brought tears to my eyes. I think it's natural that two co-slaves won't always get the feeling that it's "the time" at precisely the same time. After you talk it over with DH and/or TED, I'm sure you'll be better synchronized. As much as you both love Bandit, I'm sure she understands that daddy might not be ready, even though she is. -----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- From: "CatNipped" <CatNipped@PossiblePlaces.com> >The problem is Ben. He insists that it isn't time. This morning he opened >up a can of tuna to show me that she was still interested in food. She took [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >want, but I don't think you should kill her just because she's old and >skinny!" OK, I may be waaay off base, here. But these are my thoughts. Ben is a fighter, isn't he? I mean that in a good way. Not the bar brawlin', slap the wife around, type of guy. The never give up, never surrender, type of guy. The kind of guy who will crawl on his belly through the fires of Hell to rescue you. If that's Ben, you should consider yourself to be a very lucky girl to have him for a husband. That type is becoming more and more rare in this country. You've got a guy you will always be able to depend on when the s**t hits the fan. But, and it's a big BUT, you've got a guy who has a real problem with the concept of "futility". This type of person just does NOT believe in futility. There is ALWAYS something more that can be done. To admit that "It's time" with Bandit is to admit that futility does exist and there are some battles that cannot be won. This is the complete antithesis to the beliefs on which the "fighter" bases his whole existence. >Any suggestions? He may admit it, or he may not, but he loves Bandit. He feels a duty to protect those he loves. I assume you truly know in your heart that it's "time". Tell Ben that this is NOT failure. His duty to Bandit has not changed. It is the same as it has always been.......To love her, care for her, do his absolute best for her, and to protect her from pain and suffering. Tell him that it is now time for him to crawl through the fires of Hell to rescue Bandit from suffering, and to, himself, take on the personal pain that will accompany the decision to let her go. Tell him that Nature, and Time, have chosen the battlefield and victory against those forces can only be accomplished in one way. And that is to allow Bandit to withdraw from the fight without experiencing the suffering that those forces have chosen to inflict on her. He can give her no more than that, and should give her nothing less. I'll spare you a story of a time when I was unwilling to take my own advice. But I will say that I have regretted it, and will regret it for the rest of my life. My deepest sympathies for the decision you are faced with. I have faced nothing, in my life, more difficult than having to make the choice that you, and Ben, are now confronting. > -----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- > [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > I mean that in a good way. > Not the bar brawlin', slap the wife around, type of guy. Yes, he is. He is ever unwilling to accept defeat. We talked a little more last night and he explained his feelings to me better. To condense the coversation, I'll quote one thing he said that helped me understand, "Listen, baby, I understand that you feel you need to end her suffering, and I won't keep you from doing it... but it's not something I would ever do - we're just have totally different feelings on the subject, it's the reason you have a notorized DNR and I don't. I will never accept the end of my life or the end of the life of someone I love without fighting to the very last." > The never give up, never surrender, type of guy. > The kind of guy who will crawl on his belly through the fires of Hell [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > rare in this country. You've got a guy you will always be able to > depend on when the s**t hits the fan. Yes, that's Ben, and yes, I am lucky. > But, and it's a big BUT, you've got a guy who has a real problem > with the concept of "futility". This type of person just does NOT [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > He may admit it, or he may not, but he loves Bandit. He feels a duty > to protect those he loves. Yes, he admits it. But he knows that Bandit is my cat (just as Jessie is his). She has never wanted anything except to be next to me - all of her life whenever any part of her was touching any part of me she was purring in contentment. > I assume you truly know in your heart that it's "time". Yes, I'm calling the vet this morning as soon as they open. The tumor in her brain must have burst some blood vessels, the insides of her eyes are filled with blood. Also, she can no longer stand or walk without falling. The good news is that she ate a pretty hearty (for her, now) breakfast. I opened a can of chicken in water and she went back and nibbled on that as well as her Fancy Feast a number of times. However, I think she senses that I've made the decision and she's relieved that I have which is why she's taking some last pleasures in life. I'm going to call the vet shortly to make the arrangements (I'm hoping he'll come out here today, if not I have to decide whether to bring her in or wait until Monday). After that I'm going to take her outside to smell the world for the last time and take a few last pictures of her. > Tell Ben that this is NOT failure. His duty to Bandit has not changed. > It is the same as it has always been.......To love her, care for her, do [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > He can give her no more than that, and should give her nothing > less. Thank you *SO* much for that, "Nomen", you've brought tears to my eyes (and I was determined not to cry until all this is over) - but you've also helped me accept this and showed me how to help Ben accept this. > I'll spare you a story of a time when I was unwilling to take my own > advice. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > I have faced nothing, in my life, more difficult than having to make > the choice that you, and Ben, are now confronting. Thank you "Nomen" - you've been a good friend to me for a long time now and I appreciate your support. SignatureHugs, CatNipped See all my masters at: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped/ > -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- > Version: N/A [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > =FN5I > -----END PGP SIGNATURE----- >I've made the decision and she's relieved that I have which is why she's >taking some last pleasures in life. I'm going to call the vet shortly to >make the arrangements (I'm hoping he'll come out here today, if not I have >to decide whether to bring her in or wait until Monday). After that I'm >going to take her outside to smell the world for the last time and take a >few last pictures of her. This is all so heartbreaking. We're deeply saddened for all of you. I'm writing through tears even now - we've come to know Bandit well through the years and truly ache for her pain and for yours. Hugs. Jeanne [[Yes, I'm calling the vet this morning as soon as they open. The tumor in her brain must have burst some blood vessels, the insides of her eyes are filled with blood. Also, she can no longer stand or walk without falling. ]] I am so sorry to see this. :o( I hope that you and Ben can take Bandit to the vet, and both hear what the vet has to say. If all treatment options are now exhausted, and there's no more medical possibility to provide Bandit quality time, I hope the vet can make that clear for Ben, who's having such difficulty with the situation. :o( Nothing makes that news, nor the decision to request the Final Act of Mercy, easy to accept. But knowing that it's the right thing to do can make it a bit less difficult. You're all in my prayers. With MMS, Donna, Captain, and Stanley > [[Yes, I'm calling the vet this morning as soon as they open. The > tumor in [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > the Final Act of Mercy, easy to accept. But knowing that it's the > right thing to do can make it a bit less difficult. I have faced this situation several times. It is an awful decision and nothing in the world makes it easy. Then comes the guilt. Be prepared for that. Tweed > Yes, I'm calling the vet this morning as soon as they open. The tumor in > her brain must have burst some blood vessels, the insides of her eyes are > filled with blood. Also, she can no longer stand or walk without falling. Then it's definitely time. Good for you for being strong enough to make the decision. So many people fail their pets at the end - it's hard but it is THE most loving choice you can make for them. > The good news is that she ate a pretty hearty (for her, now) breakfast. I > opened a can of chicken in water and she went back and nibbled on that as [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > going to take her outside to smell the world for the last time and take a > few last pictures of her. I did this with Peewee the last two weeks of his life and I am glad I did. He got to be a "wild kitty" again and I am sure he appreciated it. Hang in there - you are doing the right thing. May she go in peace, with love. -L. > -----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- > [quoted text clipped - 74 lines] > =FN5I > -----END PGP SIGNATURE----- Your answer reminded me of this old poem from the writings of Edgar A. Guest: There is no time that we could set for parting. We who must remain are never ready for such pain. Even our prayer would be: "Not yet! Not yet, dear God -- another day With us let our beloved stay." We must believe, when falls the blow That, wisely, God has willed it so. Condolences for those who mourn. MLB > > There is no time that we could set for parting. > We who must remain are never ready for such pain. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > We must believe, when falls the blow > That, wisely, God has willed it so. I am going to save this, Marie. It might console me in the future, or I could send it to a friend who is going through the torment of losing their beloved/s. I don't know what I'm going to feel like when KFC departs this life. We live day to day because of her age. Tweed >> > There is no time that we could set for parting. >> We who must remain are never ready for such pain. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Tweed Yesterday's postings sent me to my poetry collection. I always intended to make a scrap book of poetry but a busy life got in the way. I do have some in scrapbooks, but most are just clippings-- now getting very old. My Princess (Siamese 16 RB) has been gone for nearly 10 years. I still remember her daily. Now TuTu is 10 years old and I worry about her. Purrs for KFC and friends. Best wishes. MLB |
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