Ping Leslie

Thread view:

Enable EMail Alerts

Start New Thread

Thread rating:

Jo Firey - 08 Dec 2006 17:30 GMT

Your posts of the last week or so are really starting to concern me.

You are of course most welcome to ignore anything I say. You are the one
close to the situation and I'm just a far away observer.

If you have reached the point of harming yourself, and considering harming
yourself even further, you really must find a way to step back and get a
fresh view on everything that is going on. Try to decide how things have
arrived at this point and what you can or should do to change the course.
It sounds like plodding ahead really isn't an option any more.

You have stated many times that Dave does not consider himself crippled and
that you do not consider him crippled. That may well have been the case in
the past. But at present you both appear to be acting like he is incapable
of looking out for himself for even 24 hours. Even when his physical needs
are being attended to.

Somewhere, somehow, you have to find a way to be sure you are being cared
for. Either find someone to talk to where Dave is, or find a therapist to
talk to. Or even a friend to go to a movie or a meal with. Read a book,
listen to music, go for a walk alone or with a friend, buy something pretty,
have your hair or nails done. Get you mind off things for a while.

Go buy the cats some new toys and play with them. Or just find a bit of
string and tie a bit of paper to the end of it and play with them.

Take a bit of time and decide what you would recommend to a friend or
acquaintance who was in your shoes. Be at least as kind and generous to
yourself.

And one solid thing I would do if it were me. When Dave starts in being
nasty and feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on you, leave for that
day. Staying around to coax him out of his temper isn't doing him any
favors. I'd like to think he has shown you more respect in the past and
that you have expected more respect in the past.

You know you have gone well past the line of duty and even the line of love.

Now consider yourself loved and hugged and purred for. And figure out where
you left you. When you find her, be her friend.

Jo

Reply to this Message

jXwXeXrXmXoXnXt@sonic.net - 08 Dec 2006 18:50 GMT

Jo, this was a wonderful post, so I'm not snipping any of it.

Lesley, this is really worth listening to. I've been there: in the 1980s,
I spent 3 years being the primary caretaker for someone who was clinically
depressed, suicidal (and acting on it), substance-abusing, and in and out
of psych hospitals. Friends kept asking me if I was taking care of myself,
and I always said I was fine. And the thing is, I meant it - it wasn't an
act. I really thought I was fine. But at the end of those 3 years, I was
a complete wreck - severely depressed myself, and with a full-blown
anxiety disorder. That's what 3 years of unrelenting stress and crisis
will do to you.

I know it's hard to do something unexpected, and decide you're not going
to hang around if Dave is dumping his frustration and anger on you, but
you don't have to put up with that. It's not your job to absorb his
hostility at your own expense. Setting some limits is not abandonment.

So I just wanted to second Jo's advice. I know I haven't participated in
this thread much (although I've read all your posts), but I couldn't let
this one go by. When you start to reach the point where death looks
appealing, I'd say that's a sign that the current situation is not
acceptable anymore.

I really hope you find the strength to take care of your own needs. Jo's
suggestion of getting support from a friend is a good one - sometimes it
makes a huge difference. Or, if seeing a therapist or counselor is an
option, that can also be very helpful.

Hugs and purrs,
Joyce

> Your posts of the last week or so are really starting to concern me.

> You are of course most welcome to ignore anything I say. You are the one
> close to the situation and I'm just a far away observer.

> If you have reached the point of harming yourself, and considering harming
> yourself even further, you really must find a way to step back and get a
> fresh view on everything that is going on. Try to decide how things have
> arrived at this point and what you can or should do to change the course.
> It sounds like plodding ahead really isn't an option any more.

> You have stated many times that Dave does not consider himself crippled and
> that you do not consider him crippled. That may well have been the case in
> the past. But at present you both appear to be acting like he is incapable
> of looking out for himself for even 24 hours. Even when his physical needs
> are being attended to.

> Somewhere, somehow, you have to find a way to be sure you are being cared
> for. Either find someone to talk to where Dave is, or find a therapist to
> talk to. Or even a friend to go to a movie or a meal with. Read a book,
> listen to music, go for a walk alone or with a friend, buy something pretty,
> have your hair or nails done. Get you mind off things for a while.

> Go buy the cats some new toys and play with them. Or just find a bit of
> string and tie a bit of paper to the end of it and play with them.

> Take a bit of time and decide what you would recommend to a friend or
> acquaintance who was in your shoes. Be at least as kind and generous to
> yourself.

> And one solid thing I would do if it were me. When Dave starts in being
> nasty and feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on you, leave for that
> day. Staying around to coax him out of his temper isn't doing him any
> favors. I'd like to think he has shown you more respect in the past and
> that you have expected more respect in the past.

> You know you have gone well past the line of duty and even the line of love.

> Now consider yourself loved and hugged and purred for. And figure out where
> you left you. When you find her, be her friend.

> Jo

Reply to this Message

Martha - 09 Dec 2006 17:01 GMT

Leslie, when you are considering harming yourself, that is a signal that
you need to start looking after YOU, or there won't be any you left to
look after anyone.

Been there, been there, and thank God for caring friends!

Martha

Reply to this Message