Since his post and Paulette's heads-up (thanks Paulette!) drew me out of the
woodwork. Here's the original.

Originally posted December 24th, 2002. Time: Beginning 2am December 23rd.

My Christmas Eve Tale
I got a bug in my ear.

It crawled in my ear night before last, got stuck, couldn't turn around
(bugs are too stupid to turn around ya know) and it got stuck.... in my ear.
Have I mentioned that yet? It was, stuck tight. My right ear in fact. So up
I come like the dead out of it's grave at 2am with this angry annoying
buzzing going on in my ear. Oh... my... god.... I can't even begin to
describe it. Suffice to say you hear it a million times louder than
ordinary. It was *right* there on my eardrum practically. Grrrrrrr, it won't
stop buzzing. By now I'm frantic, I'm launched out of the bed, I'm flapping
around madly and I get a bright idea to grab the q-tips. Really bright. So I
go to squishing and jabbing and poking and all sorts of stuff. This bug is
getting pissed off, he's latched on with feet/legs, antenna teeth. I don't
know. All I do know is that it hurts and there's this loud ungodly noise
going on in there. Oh oh!! Alcohol! Drown the SOB. So I did.. And boy
howdy!! I thought he was pissed. This guy just went beserk, which is ok
because it's host is beserk by this time too. I sleep in the nude, I should
state that fact, or really I shouldn't. So picture a dancing naked crazy
wild woman launched out of sleep at 2am with a bug in her ear. Not fun...
Not fun at all...

I call my husband who is trying like mad to avoid the storm coming across so
he can make it home for Christmas Eve. He left Sunday to umm Connecticut I
think, maybe Ohio. Who the hell knows, I can't keep up. So
I call him and he says to go over (we live next door) and wake my parents
up. Right, sure.. Can you see me waking my mother up at 2am for a freaking
bug in my ear? I'd be an adult poster person for child abuse. So the alcohol
kills the bug. The bug dies. The bug miraculously ceased to buzz. Suits the
hell out of me, so I go back to bed, one ear stopped completely shut.

Cut forward to approximately six hours later, when I'm awake and realize
yes, indeed my husband has made it home after all. He prods me out of bed,
I'm dragging my feet. We reacquiant ourselves after spending the
last fortyeight hours away from each other, chitterchatter and that sort of
thing. I make a comment I offered to cook Christmas Eve supper for my
mother, a full blown all out potroast. Yumm. I'm really looking forward to
this too. I still got a bug in my ear though. So I call my mother to see if
she can take the kids so Jody can pack my butt up to the ER. I'm not looking
forward to it, it's not hurting, the bug is dead. I'd like to cook my roast
in peace and harmony. It ain't happening. Nope, Mom can't do it, she's got
last minute can't be postponed stuff to do. No problem, I'm ok, I'll just
drive up there by myself and they'll extract it. I mean, big deal. I
don't even need to see a doctor. A nurse can do this... sheesh....

Right...
I wished... Ya'll ain't heard the half of it.

So two hours after waiting, three persons giggling and I'm back there with
the doctor. He tries to extract. We got a bug butt. He tries to extract
again. We get a leg. Well hell.. This isn't so bad, it's a breeze. No
problem. Just pull the damned bug out and let me go home to cook my roast.
Nope.. No way, they gotta flush. So they take a huge syringe, sterile water
and they squirt this stuff in my ear trying to knock this thing loose. Nope,
it's not going anywhere. This is cold water. Did I mention that cold water
will make you lose your equilibrium? Warm water is ok, but cold water made
me so dizzy I had Madteacups disneyworld ride flashbacks (tea cups that spun
around and around and around and around and around for the uninitiated).
They apply more and more pressure to the flushing, to little avail. We got a
wing. Finally the doctor gets in there, says let me flush. He flushes, I
levitate and by this time I am no longer painless but in full blown misery.
He is very apologetic, the nurse is patting my arm telling the doctor that
the last flush hurt because I only barely winced with hers.The doctor is
expressing bewilderment at how far the bug is. It's *just* out of reach,
allllllmmmoooosssstttt got it."Damn! It's there, I see it, I wonder how it
got so far back there the little bugger". Meanwhile I stay perfectly quiet,
refusing to divulge the secret of Q-tip. He's taking the bug (well the butt
at least) away, and he stops, looks at me and asks if I want to take it
home. Right!! I don't think so.
Speaking of butts, the nurse and the doctor is hovering over my head, poking
around and the nurse says oh, I see his eyes. The doctor says no, no I think
that's his butt. The nurse remarks that well, it sure looked like his butt
to me. I'm still sitting there, listening to this conversation between the
two and another nurse all remarking at how frustrating it is, all the while
gouging in my ear.

My father gets there, (my mother showed up after her errands) and starts
drilling the doctor about my ear drum, if he's going to puncture it by
digging towards the bug. Well the doctor said no, he's not going any further
with these needlenose (alligator tweezers) pliers than he can see what he's
doing. None the less, he stops. I think he was afraid of actually puncturing
my ear and really throwing my father into fits. My father is demanding a
specialist, they're not calling for one. The doctor explained that the ear
canal is the most sensitive part to the human body. Every little tweak is
amplified millions of times. So, here I am.. my ear canal is bleeding and
swollen shut. I'm host to a half of a bug and told that I need to see an
ear/nose/throat doctor upon opening after the holidays. I'm taking
antibiodics for infection and they sent me home with drugs for pain that I
really don't need as long as they stay away from my ear..

To be continued...

To Date: I never did return to the ENT doc. I was terrified. Eventually the
bug worked it's out. I never found out what kind of bug it was. And so far
it's never happened again. My advice is if it ever happens to you, pour
alcohol in the ear... kill the bug and wait until you can visit your nearest
ear/nose/throat specialist.

Gracie