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Cat Forum / Cat Anecdotes / September 2006Betty's little absence
I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my thigh, kneading a blanket, pawing at her cat dancer, *something*. But there's nothing. There's an empty cat bed, an empty food dish, an empty litter box, and an empty heart. When do you, and how do you get used to having lost a beloved kitty? I think I found part of the answer, something that works for me. When I'm out, I'll convince myself that Betty is really alive, and that she's waiting for me at home. It's like a form of faith, and it gives me hope. It's dangling a little carrot that gets me forward through life. When I come home, I feel a glimmer of anticipation. I stand at the doorway for a little while and call her name hopefully. But she never comes. I feel increasingly desperate, day by day, to have her back. I feel like I should do something, like put up posters and flyers. But there isn't anything to do, except pace until the weight of it brings me to my knees. Somehow, RPCA is a kind of escape. I love reading everyone's stories. But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. Of all my cats, I missed Cherokee the most. He was 17 when he died. Tak, I don't know when it gets better but it does. Maybe I was just distracted from missing him by still having Yoda. I used to actually see him. For a long time after he died. I'd see him out of the corner of my eye, in a familiar spot like sitting at the window. Then of course I'd look, but he wasn't there. It was so intensely real. I do hope it gets better for you soon. Sherry >Of all my cats, I missed Cherokee the most. He was 17 when he died. >Tak, I don't know when it gets better but it does. Maybe I was just [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >intensely real. >I do hope it gets better for you soon. Sometimes when I'm in bed, I think I feel her paw at the covers. She wants me to lift them up so that she can get under the warm covers to be held and cuddled. >> Of all my cats, I missed Cherokee the most. He was 17 when he died. >> Tak, I don't know when it gets better but it does. Maybe I was just [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > wants me to lift them up so that she can get under the warm covers to > be held and cuddled. It can be just like losing a human that you love, sometimes it can take years. :-( That, of course, doesn't mean you can't love another cat, somewhere out there is one that will need you some day.  SignatureAdrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera) Cats leave pawprints on your heart. http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk >It can be just like losing a human that you love, sometimes it can take >years. :-( That, of course, doesn't mean you can't love another cat, >somewhere out there is one that will need you some day. It's always sounded like it's been especially hard for you, Adrian. > Sometimes when I'm in bed, I think I feel her paw at the covers. She > wants me to lift them up so that she can get under the warm covers to > be held and cuddled. I had a very similar experience with my d*g Logan. He was 17, had a stroke, and had neurological problems because of it. Because of his n.p's I took him to bed with me every night for months. He slept under the covers right next to me, until he had another stroke and I realised.. that it was time because he became distressed. After he was gone, a few weeks later I woke up in the night because "something" had jumped up on the bed. I felt it because the thump on the bed had woken me and there was a dent in my duvet, like something had really sprung on it. I like to think it was Logan. Maybe just wishful thinking. Tweed > Of all my cats, I missed Cherokee the most. He was 17 when he died. > Tak, I don't know when it gets better but it does. Maybe I was just [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Then of course I'd look, but he wasn't there. It was so intensely > real. I do hope it gets better for you soon. I still "see" Puma sometimes. It's been several years. Of course, his wiry Labrador fur helps. I probably have a dog's worth of fur still hiding in my clothes, couch, etc. Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca I think I found part of the answer, something that works for me. When > I'm out, I'll convince myself that Betty is really alive, and that > she's waiting for me at home. It's like a form of faith, and it gives > me hope. It's dangling a little carrot that gets me forward through > life. When I come home, I feel a glimmer of anticipation. I stand at > the doorway for a little while and call her name hopefully. But she > never comes. This is the system I used when my son was killed. I told myself - no convinced myself that he had gone on holiday overseas, that he wasn't good at letter writing but would be home one day, took me two years to realize he wasn't coming back. It's been just over a month since Cleo passed away, there are times when I see her out the corner of my eye. It's hard Tak but you will get there ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) Lois Burmese are like potato chips, you can't just have one! Lois she is still there that is her way of saying I am watching and still with you always Remember the poem I wrote that I have posted for everyone that has lost a friend in the last almost a year. I have been in the group Always remember We will be there even if you can't see us. We are always Watching and Waiting. That cool puff of air you feel across your cheek, that fleeting touch, the feeling you have that I was walking across your bed, that moment you swear you can hear us, that flicker of movement out of the corner of your eye. Is just our way of saying I love you and I am with you always even in the darkest time We Will Always Be There. Till our paws touch again always know we love you and cherished our special time together Written by Matthew aka NO MORE RETAIL ( that's me) > I think I found part of the answer, something that works for me. When >> I'm out, I'll convince myself that Betty is really alive, and that [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Burmese are like potato chips, you can't just have one! >This is the system I used when my son was killed. I told myself - no >convinced myself that he had gone on holiday overseas, that he wasn't good >at letter writing but would be home one day, took me two years to realize he >wasn't coming back. That's very hard. It makes me think that maybe I should write to people more. >>This is the system I used when my son was killed. I told myself - no >>convinced myself that he had gone on holiday overseas, that he wasn't good [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > That's very hard. It makes me think that maybe I should write to > people more. Talking or writing is always good. Share your sadness and we will be able to share your burden. Share your pleasures and we can jump for joy with you. Squarely Yours Michael SignatureSquare Dance is friendship put to music Andrea and Michael with furballs Blacky and Merlin More detail at: http://www.curschmann-sachsen.de > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my > thigh, kneading a blanket, pawing at her cat dancer, *something*. But > there's nothing. There's an empty cat bed, an empty food dish, an > empty litter box, and an empty heart. When do you, and how do you get > used to having lost a beloved kitty? Tak, I know everyone has to take their time and make changes when it is right -- but I really feel like it would help for you to get another cat. You have so much to give and there are so many deserving cats out there that need someone to care for (and about) them. You would not be erasing Betty's memory or forgetting her -- you would be honoring her. Once you love an animal that much and then lose them, it expands your heart enough to make room for someone else. You know she would not want you to be unhappy. Maybe you could take a walk through the Humane Society cats with no strings attached and see if Betty has decided to send you a friend. The neat thing I've found when we've taken in another cat is that a piece of the friend you've lost comes with them. There is always something to remind you of the one you've lost, but remind you in a good way. The new cat has the same color or the same meow or the same way they attack a toy. There's always something. Hope you feel better soon, and we want to be the first to hear when you have a new friend in that cat bed... Rhonda >Tak, > [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] >Hope you feel better soon, and we want to be the first to hear when you >have a new friend in that cat bed... It's hard to imagine. I think that if you've had more than one cat, or enough experience with cats, you might be able to build up a taxonomy about cats, see what's common between them, and be able to say that cats are wonderful companions because of X and Y. Maybe I just didn't have enough time to build up that level of familiarity about cats in general. I can see how all that could possibly fit into the whole scheme of the universe and all, but it's difficult to see how it applies... I know that sounds dumb. >> Tak, >> [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] > universe and all, but it's difficult to see how it applies... I know > that sounds dumb. You still read this group, you enjoy the stories. Therefore you relate to other cats. There's no if's, and's or but's about it. Someday you will realize that what you need is another cat. Obviously not as a replacement for Betty, but just for the basic reason that you love cats and life is just not as good without one. SignatureBritta Purring is an automatic safety valve device for dealing with happiness overflow. Check out pictures of Vino at: http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album > You still read this group, you enjoy the stories. Therefore you relate > to other cats. There's no if's, and's or but's about it. Someday you > will realize that what you need is another cat. Obviously not as a > replacement for Betty, but just for the basic reason that you love cats > and life is just not as good without one. ^ I agree. When my grandmother died a few months ago I wondered if I wanted to go on living alone since I saw her as my "real parent". But immediately I thought, you have 4 cats and a partner who depend on you, and they need you. So even though I am sad sometimes, I have other family--who cannot replace my grandmother but who show me that there is still beauty and joy in life. I hope someday you meet a kitty who needs someone as much as you do. Betty loves you--she wants you to be happy during the rest of your natural time on this earth. I know my grandma would not want me to be sad or to rush to follow her. --Fil >I agree. > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > >I know my grandma would not want me to be sad or to rush to follow her. That is very true. I'm sure that your grandmother would want you to live a long fulfilling life, too, like she probably did. > It's hard to imagine. I think that if you've had more than one cat, > or enough experience with cats, you might be able to build up a [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > universe and all, but it's difficult to see how it applies... I know > that sounds dumb. Tak, You've already found out that cats are warm and mysterious creatures. You know a lot about cats in general -- more than you think. You will find that out when you live with another cat. I'm sure it is hard to see right now. I hope you at least float the idea around a little, think about offering help to another wonderful cat who has no one to care about him or her. Maybe just think about it but start to open the door a bit. When you see some cats for adoption, like as someone suggested at PetSmart or Pet Co, just look at them with open eyes. There will be a time when one will grab your heart and hang on with those cute cat claws! Rhonda > > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > > Rhonda Tak, I agree with Rhonda. I realize it may be too soon after losing Betty. I just think a new cat friend might really help your grieving. I know I cried and grieved when I had to send Izzy over the Rainbow Bridge, and I keep looking around for Pan, although I know he is gone, too, now. I know I just thank God to have my girls impatient to greet me at the door whenever I come home. A new cat would mean someone would be waiting at the door to greet you, a warm furry body for your lap and your bed, and a playmate. Betty was a sweet, wonderful cat, but maybe she was as good a cat as she was because she knew how loved she was and felt totally secure with you. You can extend that love to a worthy successor without it dishonoring her memory one bit. No one here doubts the sincerity of your love for Betty after all you did for her while she was sick. But you can give another deserving cat a loving home, and I'm sure Betty would approve. I know she would not want you to be so unhappy that you were desperate. You lost Betty far too soon, but one of the things we accept about having cats is that their lives are short in comparison with our own, and we will only have them for a finite period of time. The trick is, to find new friends to love before that empty apartment and the unused toys become an unbearable sadness. Each cat creates their own warm, comfy spot in our hearts the same way they choose their favorite sunny windowsills for basking. You have a very roomy heart that would be a luxury for any cat--fill the emptyness! Melissa >Tak, > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >now. I know I just thank God to have my girls impatient to greet me at >the door whenever I come home. Oh, Betty was impatient too! It's very cute. She kept me from working too late, since I was always eager to come home and love and cuddle her. > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > isn't anything to do, except pace until the weight of it brings me to > my knees. I'm not saying its time to get another cat. Betty will let you know. But maybe you do need to go out of your way to see some other cats. Maybe at PetSmart or PetCo this weekend. They are happy to have anyone come and visit the available cats and kittens. Being kindly handled and talked to goes a long was toward making some of the timid ones adoptable. You really sound like you need to at least touch and hold another cat. Might well not be a cat that you need or that needs you. But just the process of holding a healthy cat will help you to heal. When things got bad at the hospital where I used to work, staff would start to gravitate upstairs. Either to look at the babies in the nursery. Or to visit our miracle little Ferris Wheel accident survivor. Either place was calming and a reminder of just what life is. JO Jo > "Takayuki" <Takayuki9z@yahoo.com> wrote in message >> I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm >> writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > PetSmart or PetCo this weekend. They are happy to have anyone come and > visit the available cats and kittens. A friend of mine lost two beloved dogs in the same year and was heartbroken. For a little while, she didn't even want another dog in the house. But then she started missing having dogs around (she does have one cat also, but she's more a dog person, I think). So she decided to foster. She fostered several dogs, and each time, she'd say, "I'm not ready to adopt a dog yet." But fostering was wonderful for her. And now she's adopted a dog - one of her fosters. An absolutely adorable poodle mix (standard size), with curly white fur and highly energetic and affectionate personality. She just had to wait until it felt right. But while she was waiting, and healing, she did allow other dogs into her life, even before she was ready to make a lifelong commitment to any of them. That definitely helped the healing process. Could that work for you? That way, you could have a bit of kitty companionship without having to make a commitment before you're ready. Joyce >She just had to wait until it felt right. But while she was waiting, and >healing, she did allow other dogs into her life, even before she was ready [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >Could that work for you? That way, you could have a bit of kitty companionship >without having to make a commitment before you're ready. I'm not sure. I guess I've sometimes had a "stop me before I kill again" type of mindset. For a while, it seemed I could take care of a cat, and every day seemed wonderful and happy, and then it all blew up in my face, and I was left with a corpse. I at least wanted to step back and try to make sure that I wouldn't screw up something else, but I know there aren't any guarantees. > I'm not sure. I guess I've sometimes had a "stop me before I kill > again" type of mindset. For a while, it seemed I could take care of a > cat, and every day seemed wonderful and happy, and then it all blew up > in my face, and I was left with a corpse. I at least wanted to step > back and try to make sure that I wouldn't screw up something else, but > I know there aren't any guarantees. Tak, how long did you have Betty? I don't believe I was here for the first part of her story. Rhonda >>She just had to wait until it felt right. But while she was >>waiting, and healing, she did allow other dogs into her life, [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > that I wouldn't screw up something else, but I know there aren't > any guarantees. There aren't any guarentees. I haven't had a cat live past 13. And you know I will do everything for them. I just haven't had one yet that could live past that. Do I feel like they didn't live to a ripe old age? Of course I do. Could I have done more? Of course I could have, maybe. Did I stop when QOL became more important than finding out if some TED had a fix for the illness/stuff medicine/watch suffering? No. Quality over quantity. You have all of the qualifications to offer that. You have the ability to deeply love someone other than yourself. SignatureCheryl Tak, how about if you foster a cat (or two) whilst you're thinking about whether or not to get another permanent cat? That will give you some experience with cats-that-aren't-Betty and will still give you the option of being cat-free if you'd prefer. I know that when Ted went we really, really missed her (and still do), even though we have Spock and Persephone. HOWEVER (and that's a big "however"), having Spock and Persephone reminds us that whilst there will NEVER be another Ted, the babies have their own attributes which we appreciate just as much as we appreciated Ted's Special Qualities. Dave no longer has a special friend to cuddle up to him at night, but Persephone has developed the habit of "trapping" Dave's hand each evening, giving it a thorough washing and falling asleep on it. Not Ted, but special in a different way and, needless to say, Incredibly Cute. Start small and with something temporary, regain your confidence, then you will feel happier about taking the next step. I think we all know you want to ... Tish >>She just had to wait until it felt right. But while she was waiting, and >>healing, she did allow other dogs into her life, even before she was ready [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >back and try to make sure that I wouldn't screw up something else, but >I know there aren't any guarantees. > Tak, how about if you foster a cat (or two) whilst you're thinking > about whether or not to get another permanent cat? That will give you > some experience with cats-that-aren't-Betty and will still give you > the option of being cat-free if you'd prefer.//// This is a wonderful idea. I had a lady foster some babies for me after losing her 4 year old cat after cancer. She was devastated in the same way as Tak. She hasn't been adopted by someone new yet, but she is starting to heal because she is able to make a positive difference in kitty cats lives without "screwing up" as she percieves it. Try it Tak - that way the house won't be so empty, you will have the company of a kitty cat, and you'll also be making a difference to a kitty cats life without being disloyal to Betty. Then, when the time is right, Betty will chose a new owner for you. I know Sir William did with me and sent me Pandora. Helen M >> She just had to wait until it felt right. But while she was waiting, and >> healing, she did allow other dogs into her life, even before she was ready [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > back and try to make sure that I wouldn't screw up something else, but > I know there aren't any guarantees. I still don't understand the mindset that you screwed up. The cancer screwed up. We don't get the guarantee of health for us, for our family for anyone. Screwing up would have been dumping her on the street. That, my dear, Tak, is something you must come to grips with, for your sake and for you family's sake. Mortality sucks, but it is a fact of life. > I still don't understand the mindset that you screwed up. The cancer > screwed up. We don't get the guarantee of health for us, for our > family for anyone. Screwing up would have been dumping her on the > street. That, my dear, Tak, is something you must come to grips > with, for your sake and for you family's sake. Mortality sucks, but > it is a fact of life. Some would say it's mortality that makes life as precious and sweet as it is. Regardless, though, death is simply a reality. Every living being dies. Now, some believe that the spirit goes on to a different place, or gets imbued into a new body, or any of a variety of beliefs, and that may bring comfort. But I know I'm preaching to the choir, because I think Tak is very aware of this, and he's not so much railing against the fact of death as with the fact that he had so little time with Betty. But even if he had had 20 or more years, would it have been less painful? Puma died at 12, a decent age for a large dog. It didn't make it any easier. I wanted him to be with me forever. I still do. Ack, now my eyes are tearing. Mostly I wish I could go back and do everything better -- spend more time with him, take him on longer walks, just *be* with him and appreciate him. I wish I'd known more about arthritis to ease his pain. But I think he forgave me. He forgave me always; he accepted what I gave him and was content. I could never earn a dog like that. He was a gift. Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca >I'm not saying its time to get another cat. Betty will let you know. But >maybe you do need to go out of your way to see some other cats. Maybe at [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >visit our miracle little Ferris Wheel accident survivor. Either place was >calming and a reminder of just what life is. I've heard about people doing studies about how holding and petting cats can improve health, but I'm not sure if it was ever proven. I can relate to your hospital experience. That would be hard. > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my > thigh, kneading a blanket, pawing at her cat dancer, *something*. But > there's nothing. There's an empty cat bed, an empty food dish, an > empty litter box, and an empty heart. When do you, and how do you get > used to having lost a beloved kitty? It's really true what others are saying. Loving another cat will help patch that hole in your heart. > I think I found part of the answer, something that works for me. When > I'm out, I'll convince myself that Betty is really alive, and that [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > the doorway for a little while and call her name hopefully. But she > never comes. In reality, her spirit is there and you simply cannot see her body. That you want so badly to see her is grievous to Betty and may even be keeping her from making it all the way across the RB. She wants you to let her finish that journey. Not to forget her, but know in your heart that she will always be with you in spirit. > I feel increasingly desperate, day by day, to have her back. I feel > like I should do something, like put up posters and flyers. But there > isn't anything to do, except pace until the weight of it brings me to > my knees. So, go to your knees. Realize that you won't "see" her again until *you* cross the RB. Then realize that you *can* have more joy in your life, without hurting Betty, who loves you so much that she is torn to pieces by being unable to show herself to your eyes. > Somehow, RPCA is a kind of escape. I love reading everyone's stories. > > But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. We are happy to hear from you even when it tears us up knowing how much pain you feel. We hope you will soon find some joy to share. > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. <gentle snip> > But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. So do I, Tak, and my handsome tuxedo boy. Just this morning I woke up and stretched my hand to the pillow next to mine to pet Frank Good Morning, but there was no one there. This morning, like so many others, started with tears for my loss. I wish I could tell you when you will get over it, but I don't know. I can't seem to get over it myself. At least both Mir and Caliban were stretched out sleeping along my legs, and I could bury my face in Caliban's spotty, fuzzy tummy and dry my tears on him. Caliban doesn't mind, he just stretches out even more and starts purring. It's not the same as petting Frank first thing in the morning, which I did for nearly 18 years, but maybe in time it will become as wonderful. SignatureMarina, Miranda and Caliban. In loving memory of Frank and Nikki. Stories and pics at http://koti.welho.com/mkurten/ Pics at http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/frankiennikki/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/frankiennikki >> I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. ><gentle snip> [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] >morning, which I did for nearly 18 years, but maybe in time it will >become as wonderful. We know the love of cats and are truly blessed. No cat can replace my Beast but I love Beauty and Cinder dearly. You will meet Frank again. The Rainbow Bridge is real. >So do I, Tak, and my handsome tuxedo boy. > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >morning, which I did for nearly 18 years, but maybe in time it will >become as wonderful. I've always thought that your experience with Frank turned out to be particularly similar to my situation with Betty. I think that we had a lot of the same feelings - regret, and other things. So I felt especially receptive to your advice, like about having some kind of act of closure. You said that you felt relieved to scatter Frank's ashes, and I wondered to myself if I just have too many of Betty's things in the house. I thought maybe I should throw out, for example, Betty's toys, cat tree, beds, food dishes, carrier, and litter boxes. But at the same time, Karen found closure by going in exactly the opposite direction, by keeping Grant's things. So I'm not really sure. > I thought maybe I should throw out, for example, Betty's toys, cat > tree, beds, food dishes, carrier, and litter boxes. But at the same > time, Karen found closure by going in exactly the opposite direction, > by keeping Grant's things. So I'm not really sure. If you decide not to keep Betty's things, your local shelter might appreciate having them. > >So do I, Tak, and my handsome tuxedo boy. > > [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > time, Karen found closure by going in exactly the opposite direction, > by keeping Grant's things. So I'm not really sure. I still can't bring myself to toss his cheese and mouse toy, even though it is broken! I suspect I will hang on to it forever. I am really surprised how much easier my grieving got after I put all the poems and cards people sent me, along with his purple puffball in his little chest with him. I guess I still feel he is with me in spirit, sleeping in the little chest in the bedroom. > I've always thought that your experience with Frank turned out to be > particularly similar to my situation with Betty. I think that we had [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > time, Karen found closure by going in exactly the opposite direction, > by keeping Grant's things. So I'm not really sure. Oh, I haven't thrown out any of Frank's toys. It gives me pleasure to see Caliban play with all of Frank's and Nikki's old toys. Especially when he grooms the big red rat that Waffles sent Frank one Yule. Frank regularly used to give that rat a thorough washing, too. And I did save a little of his ashes for when I find a nice pendant to wear them around my neck. But I also felt relieved that he was reunited with Nikki under the rosebush. It was a strange moment, but right then I knew I had done everything right. And when I went back a couple of days later to visit, the bush was covered in bloom. It took my breath away. SignatureMarina, Miranda and Caliban. In loving memory of Frank and Nikki. Stories and pics at http://koti.welho.com/mkurten/ Pics at http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/frankiennikki/ and http://community.webshots.com/user/frankiennikki >> I've always thought that your experience with Frank turned out to be >> particularly similar to my situation with Betty. I think that we had [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > knew I had done everything right. And when I went back a couple of days > later to visit, the bush was covered in bloom. It took my breath away. That's lovely Marina. Like a sign they were happy or something. > ... I wondered to myself if I just have too many of > Betty's things in the house. > I thought maybe I should throw out, for example, Betty's toys, cat > tree, beds, food dishes, carrier, and litter boxes. But at the same > time, Karen found closure by going in exactly the opposite direction, > by keeping Grant's things. So I'm not really sure. How about a compromise, by *packing* up her things and storing them someplace? That way, you know they're not far away, but you don't have to look at them every time you open your eyes while at home. Wow - I would find things like empty cat beds and unplayed-with toys unbearably sad to have to see all the time. The nice thing about saving them away is that sometime in the future, when you want a visceral reminder of her, you could take them out and look through them. Of course, you probably can't pack up the cat tree, but you could give that away to someone else who has a kitty. Or if you have a storage area that's big enough, save it for any future cats you might want to welcome into your home. Joyce > > ... I wondered to myself if I just have too many of > > Betty's things in the house. [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > Joyce I firmly believe Tak should not give away Betty's tree yet. Maybe it's just me, but I just don't think he should. >> > ... I wondered to myself if I just have too many of >> > Betty's things in the house. [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > just > me, but I just don't think he should. Throwing away all Betty's things will not enable Tak to get over her loss just yet. It's pointless. I don't think he should do it. Their love was so enormous that it will take a long while to understand the loss for Tak and the thought he might move on is many moons away. Just stop trying to tell him to get another cat. He's no way ready. Tweed > Throwing away all Betty's things will not enable Tak to get over her loss > just yet. It's pointless. I don't think he should do it. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Tweed Well, Christina, everyone heals differently. Your opinion is he's not ready, some others (like me) think starting to love another cat might help him heal, but it doesn't matter what any of us think. We all just give our opinions when we think it might help and he will decide when he's ready or if he will ever be ready. I would like to hear Betty's story, I kind of came in at the end. I'm afraid Tak thinks some of this was his fault and I know he took such wonderful care of her. She was beyond lucky to have someone so devoted to her. Rhonda > Well, Christina, everyone heals differently. Your opinion is > he's not ready, some others (like me) think starting to love [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > he took such wonderful care of her. She was beyond lucky to have > someone so devoted to her. /butting in I think most vets understand that most pet "owners" will consent to euthanasia when the C word is mentioned. Even now, I don't think many people opt for the next step when there's a serious health issue. You do, Rhonda, you went through a colon surgery with Sweeter that I wouldn't have with Marley, and cancer wasn't even mentioned. What made you decide to have Sweeter's colon removed partially rather than have her euthanized? Did you feel her tell you she still wanted to live? I really want to hear from others, because I do know the will to live from these guys, and I want to hear what you felt was their will to live. /butting out SignatureCheryl > I think most vets understand that most pet "owners" will consent to > euthanasia when the C word is mentioned. Even now, I don't think > many people opt for the next step when there's a serious health > issue. You do, Rhonda, you went through a colon surgery with > Sweeter that I wouldn't have with Marley, and cancer wasn't even > mentioned. > What made you decide to have Sweeter's colon removed partially > rather than have her euthanized? Did you feel her tell you she > still wanted to live? I really want to hear from others, because I > do know the will to live from these guys, and I want to hear what > you felt was their will to live. > /butting out I kept Betsy alive when there was no treatment available. I even had second thoughts after the euthanasia, although I know by that point, the cancer had advanced quite far, and many people would have euthanized her much earlier. And the reason I did it was that although she was undoubtedly suffering, she was also getting some pleasure out of life - she even wanted to go outside, rather unusually for her, and had a final amble in the yard, she frequently played with water and she liked her usual naps and petting. Eating and drinking was getting much more difficult, though, and she had been losing weight for some time. It's a very difficult decision to make, and each of us has to make his or her own judgement as to what to do, taking into consideration the condition of each cat. SignatureCheryl > /butting in > I think most vets understand that most pet "owners" will consent to [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > you felt was their will to live. > /butting out Hi Cheryl, I'm not exactly sure how to answer that. I too think cats have a strong will to survive and we have a strong will to want them to survive. We try to weigh everything (stress on them, how old they are, if they're able to withstand the process) when we make a decision about whether to pursue treatment. I think we've both gotten to the point where their will to survive is always a given. I guess what it boils down to is if they have a condition that can be survived, we give them every chance we can to survive. If they have a fatal disease, we do some things but not too intrusive. We try to let them live out their lives in as much comfort as possible. With Sweeter, the vet told us all along what steps she can take, with the very worst possibility being she would require surgery. After a week or so of trying, she referred us to the surgeon. We had a meeting with him to decide if this would be right for Sweeter. He told us such positive things that we knew we had to try. Sweeter was weaker by then but still good enough for surgery. The second surgery for her peritonitis was a harder decision with a 20-25% chance of survival and we had to make the decision immediately while on the phone. He said they had to start plasma right away if we were to build her up for surgery or we would need to euthanize her that day. That was hard. I remembered what pain she was in with the infection and I didn't want to prolong her pain. She had gone so far though that we decided to give her another shot, but that was a decision I was not sure about. She is playing like a kitten today and eating like crazy, so I'm glad we did it, even though it cost an arm and a leg! Another factor in everything is age. She's only 11. If she were 18, that might have been a different decision. One of the emergency vets thanked us for going through this with Sweeter, which I initially thought was strange, but nice. Then he said many people do not chose to go this route. I don't know if I hit what you were asking -- I probably hit everything else! Rhonda > Another factor in everything is age. She's only 11. If she were > 18, that might have been a different decision. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > I don't know if I hit what you were asking -- I probably hit > everything else! Yes, you answered my question. I knew after asking that it would be hard to answer, and I appreciate yours. Your comment above about the vet thanking you for going through with this hit on something similar with Shadow. When he had hepatic lipidosis and needed a feeding tube, the techs commented several times that no one ever opts to nurse them back to health like that. I was a little shocked, but mainly because I know so many here on these groups would have done the same thing. I wish for you many more years with Sweeter in good health. SignatureCheryl > Yes, you answered my question. I knew after asking that it would be > hard to answer, and I appreciate yours. Your comment above about [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > I wish for you many more years with Sweeter in good health. Thanks, Cheryl! She's half-asleep on her cat balcony right now, keeping an eye on the yard. I hope she's around a long time too. Rhonda >> Throwing away all Betty's things will not enable Tak to get over her loss >> just yet. It's pointless. I don't think he should do it. [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > opinions when we think it might help and he will decide when he's ready or > if he will ever be ready. Firstly, I would like to say that I was not directing my post specifically at you, Rhonda. I'm sorry if you thought that. It just burst out of me! I am, as are all of us, wanting to find a way to alleviate Tak's grief. The thing is, it's very different to have a partner, lots of noisy children and be so busy your feet hardly hit the ground and then lose a pet. so many things in your daily life will take your mind off of it. Not so when you live alone with one pet. > I would like to hear Betty's story, I kind of came in at the end. I'm > afraid Tak thinks some of this was his fault and I know he took such > wonderful care of her. She was beyond lucky to have someone so devoted to > her. Tak seems to think that there was something he could have done to prevent Betty's illness, that in some way he is at fault for what happened to her. No-one is able to beat the big C (yet) All we can do is try and defeat it and Tak, you did this to the maximum for Betty. Sometimes, there is no more that can be done.. Tweed >>>Throwing away all Betty's things will not enable Tak to get over her loss >>>just yet. It's pointless. I don't think he should do it. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Firstly, I would like to say that I was not directing my post specifically > at you, Rhonda. I'm sorry if you thought that. It just burst out of me! Ha. I've had bursts myself. > I am, as are all of us, wanting to find a way to alleviate Tak's grief. > The thing is, it's very different to have a partner, lots of noisy children > and be so busy your feet hardly hit the ground and then lose a pet. so many > things in your daily life will take your mind off of it. > Not so when you live alone with one pet. I agree, that can may the grief more acute. I just went back and googled Betty's story and looked at her shelter pictures. What a beauty she was! Her story was pretty amazing, she took over Tak's lap immediately. I think it was love at first sight for her. Tak, it looks like you were the chosen one. Sometimes I think animals know they don't have much time in the physical world so they choose special people to make every day wonderful. Just from your beginning posts with her, it sounds to me like Betty lived a full life of love in just three years. Rhonda >I just went back and googled Betty's story and looked at her shelter >pictures. What a beauty she was! Her story was pretty amazing, she took [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >posts with her, it sounds to me like Betty lived a full life of love in >just three years. She definitely came with fungal qualities. :) We all want to find something greater than ourselves, and I found that in Betty. I felt that things would be right if she outlived me. When she died, my obligations in this life also died. I think I was just waiting for a while to follow her. I had an odd thought though. If Betty happened to have had babies, I would still have been very sad, but my obligations would have transferred to them, and I would have carried on my duties with them. She really would have been immortal then. I think that makes me understand breeders more, although I'm sure I'll never breed a cat. > If Betty happened to have had babies, I would still have been very > sad, but my obligations would have transferred to them, and I would > have carried on my duties with them. She really would have been > immortal then. I think that makes me understand breeders more, Not to mention the drive most people have to have children! Not that most of us experience it quite like that: "I'd like to be immortal. Hmm, perhaps I'll spawn a child." But it does function that way, by keeping the genetic line going. Joyce > She definitely came with fungal qualities. :) We all want to find > something greater than ourselves, and I found that in Betty. I felt [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > immortal then. I think that makes me understand breeders more, > although I'm sure I'll never breed a cat. Tak, I really believe that Betty chose you because she knew she needed someone special to be with in the short time she was to be on this planet. It was already decided that she was going to have a short time here and the choices you had to make were not ones that could affect that larger decision. None of our animals ever live long enough, I've come to realize that. You should have had more time with her, but we should have had more time with Bob. I think for us animal-lovers it helps to realize that we are going to live longer than our animals, but their loss is the price we pay for all of the wonderful days we get with them. Here's a poem that I just love. It was sent to us by our vet when we lost a cat. -Rhonda ------------------------------------------------------------------- We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan... Irving Townsend ------------------------------------------------------------------- >Tak seems to think that there was something he could have done to prevent >Betty's illness, that in some way he is at fault for what happened to her. >No-one is able to beat the big C (yet) >All we can do is try and defeat it and Tak, you did this to the maximum for >Betty. >Sometimes, there is no more that can be done.. I guess that my attitude was generally not that I was at fault, exactly (although I've wondered if she would have lived longer if she wasn't adopted by me), but that whatever the cause, I was responsible for her care. Sometimes these days, I realize and can accept that none of the choices I had were good ones. >> Tak seems to think that there was something he could have done to >> prevent Betty's illness, that in some way he is at fault for what [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Sometimes these days, I realize and can accept that none of the > choices I had were good ones. That is, indeed, the sucky part. >I firmly believe Tak should not give away Betty's tree yet. Maybe it's just >me, but I just don't think he should. I think you're right. I've thought about it, and the house is like a blank canvas. As long as that empty background is there, I can imagine how things were. Betty would often try to get moderate elevation when following me. If I paused near the coffee table, she would be on the sofa. If I paused near the window, she would be on her tree. She would look at me, seeming to search my face for signs of attention. And she would get attention. >>I firmly believe Tak should not give away Betty's tree yet. Maybe >>it's just me, but I just don't think he should. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > her tree. She would look at me, seeming to search my face for signs > of attention. And she would get attention. What about rearranging your furniture? Would that feel okay to you? You can always move it back if it feels disrespectful or just doesn't work for you. Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca >I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm >writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > >But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. {{{{{Tak}}}}}}} I know it is so hard. And that empty feeling, I call The Black Hole. It seems to me it's one of the hardest things to bear. Purrs to you that your grief will ease, and you'll know that Betty will always be with you, in your heart. Ginger-lyn Home Pages: http://www.moonsummer.com http://www.angelfire.com/folk/glsummer (homepage & cats) http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~summer/index.htm (genealogy) http://www.movieanimals.bravehost.com/ (The Violence Against Animals in Movies Website) >I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm >writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > >But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. (((((((((((Tak))))))))))))))) Theresa Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh Make Levees, Not War One of the most wonderful and mystical things about any animals, but I think, being biased, especially cats, is how different they each are and how we form different relationships with them. There will never be another experience like Betty. It is hard to think of having another relationship, with a different flavor, but each is wonderful in its own way. >One of the most wonderful and mystical things about any animals, but I >think, being biased, especially cats, is how different they each are >and how we form different relationships with them. There will never be >another experience like Betty. It is hard to think of having another >relationship, with a different flavor, but each is wonderful in its own >way. I can really see how each kitty can be different, and that's part of what makes me wonder. Is it logical, or is it a non-sequitur? I could probably also make myself feel better by trying out hang gliding, or visiting a museum, or drinking a lot, but those things aren't related to Betty either. > >One of the most wonderful and mystical things about any animals, but I > >think, being biased, especially cats, is how different they each are [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > gliding, or visiting a museum, or drinking a lot, but those things > aren't related to Betty either. That's why I think you should volunteer at a shelter. First off, it would get you around people who totally understand how you feel and it would be a good thing to help socialize cats and such. So many places need help and it would honor Betty who came from such a place and yet you would not be taking in another cat which I can see disturbs you. It might just be the way to honor her that is both meaningful and of great use to your community. >>One of the most wonderful and mystical things about any animals, but I >>think, being biased, especially cats, is how different they each are [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > gliding, or visiting a museum, or drinking a lot, but those things > aren't related to Betty either. I think it has to do with the act of caring Tak. Caring for and tending to the needs of another, whether feline or not, has the effect of taking us out of ourselves. In the case of a cat, caring for a foster cat or adopting a cat that is going to be euthanized, is a gift to the feline species. It's important work /love. Hang gliding and all of that doesn't take give you that connection. Susan M Otis and Chester >I can really see how each kitty can be different, and that's part of >what makes me wonder. Is it logical, or is it a non-sequitur? I >could probably also make myself feel better by trying out hang >gliding, or visiting a museum, or drinking a lot, but those things >aren't related to Betty either. Hang gliding and museums are distractions and I know they won't take care of the feelings long-term. Just please don't fall into too much drink! I ran the risk of too many tranquilizers after Fritzie. As to logic, as one therapist once said there is nothing truly "logical" about emotions, and they shouldn't be. You aren't Mr. Spock and neither am I, and we should honor the feelings, not try to suppress them. And at the risk of going too Trekkie on you, a Vulcan saying can well apply to cats: Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combination, and we rejoice in the differences. Blessed be, Baha > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. Know that Betty is ether waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge or off on an adventure that none of us can imagine. But she is still in your heart. I still miss my Feather but WooToo helps me remember him without (unbearable) Tears, just as WooToo and I help each other remember my Mom, who was WooToos first love, without (unbearable pain) WooToo did not replace Feather and I did not replace my Mom in WooToo's life, nor did she replace my Mom in my life. But it all helps. Soon, I hope, you will find yourself with a new cat in your life or, for that matter, even a d*g and you will not forget your little girl but it will be easier to bear. It may be that you will meet your next little friend tomorrow or someone will ask if you can take in a stray they found next month. Until then, waiting is. Will and WooToo in New Haven > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my > thigh, kneading a blanket, pawing at her cat dancer, *something*. But > there's nothing. There's an empty cat bed, an empty food dish, an > empty litter box, and an empty heart. When do you, and how do you get > used to having lost a beloved kitty? Tak, I believe that the first one is always the hardest. When I lost my beloved Belle, I couldn't face another pet for TEN years. Every time I thought about getting one, I thought about losing another one, and the imagined pain was unbearable. But eventually, you have to. There are so many animals out there, unwanted and rejected for reasons that they can' t understand. They need us so desperately. If you don't go and pick one out, one will just walk into your life the way Fin walked into mine, by being a dirty, skinny teenager kitty that someone else threw away. He enriched my life so much more than anyone could imagine, the way Betty did to you. You can't replace Betty. That's impossible. But you can give another kitty a loving home. Betty would want you to. When you're ready. Jane Whenever I think of how hard you are grieving for Betty, my heart starts hurting and I break into tears. Lately this is happening almost every hour that I'm awake. I have no idea where you live but if you can visit me you're quite welcome to. I think it would do you a world of good to be away from that memory-saturated place for a while, if only a few days. There are 7 wonderful felines here who would adore some extra attention, too. Think about it. Mi casa es su casa. >Whenever I think of how hard you are grieving for Betty, my heart starts >hurting and I break into tears. Lately this is happening almost every hour [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >wonderful felines here who would adore some extra attention, too. Think >about it. Mi casa es su casa. You're such a kind person. But I didn't think that I could affect someone like that! If you can't get over my not being able to get over losing Betty, then what hope can I have of getting over Betty? With seven kitties, you shouldn't cry. I'm in Massachusetts, and when I travel, it's usually between coasts, so I know that it's unlikely I'll ever meet you. But if I did, I would certainly enjoy that, and would love to meet your wonderful felines. > You're such a kind person. But I didn't think that I could affect > someone like that! If you can't get over my not being able to get > over losing Betty, then what hope can I have of getting over Betty? I don't think it works quite that way :) I just meant that I feel your sadness too. When you start to feel more at peace, so will I. > With seven kitties, you shouldn't cry. My crying has nothing to do with my kitties. > I'm in Massachusetts, and when I travel, it's usually between coasts, > so I know that it's unlikely I'll ever meet you. But if I did, I > would certainly enjoy that, and would love to meet your wonderful > felines. Who's to say that you couldn't stop off in the middle for a while? St. Louis is the closest major airport and it's a hub for lots of flight changes. Also right now there are some excellent deals on last-minute flights through Travelzoo.com. >I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm >writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my >thigh, kneading a blanket, pawing at her cat dancer, *something*. But >there's nothing. There's an empty cat bed, an empty food dish, an >empty litter box, and an empty heart. When do you, and how do you get >used to having lost a beloved kitty? I guess my religious beliefs help in the matter, because we believe that animals have a natural contact with the Higher Power and that we two-legged critters traded that ability for reason, so we have to work harder at it. So we have faith that our beloved animal friends are waiting Up There or Out There for us. We knew that there would never be another Fritzie, but we found as we took more cats into our home that each has a bit of him, and that all of our five have a bit of each other. Stosh has Fritzie's barrel chest and his "guard cat" attitude, and plays at chasing my hand under a blanket the same way; Roxie has his grace, and Odessa the silky black fur; Brandy has the innocent expression in the midst of pure naughtiness; and Sabrina's wool attachement reminds me of how Fritzie fell in love with Louie's thick denim comforter, so that we just put in in front of his favorite heating vent. Odessa has since adopted the same heating vent, and it's a big comfort to us to see a black cat there again. We werren't looking for another Fritzie. I was scared of getting another cat too soon, because I thought it would be a slap in the face of Fritzie's memory; but I think God and Fritzie had other plans. I spent every day at my friend Olive's place; her daughter had brought home the kitten who would be known as Stosh. I risked an assault charge getting into a fight and threatening a boarder who was beating on Stosh. For the entire week of my visits that little guy sat plastered on my lap until he got up to eat, the boarder and Lydia got into a fight and the little-so-and-so started smacking the kitten around. We weren't planning on it, but when Lydia asked me to take him for his safety I couldn't say no. He had taken to me, and I had fallen in love with the little tuxedo guy, who let me hug a kitty again. He grew from a scrawny, underfed kitten to a hulking muscleman with a fierce loyalty. Louie and I believe Fritzie told him to expect us, and did the same with all the cats who followed. I guess this is how we handled losing our Fritzie; he sent us these five because he was looking out for us, knew we needed kitty- love, and knew these cats needed us. They were all special-needs people, all abused or feral and needed patience, love and regular chow. They are gifts from their big brother in heaven; not replacements, not ever. No one can replace Fritzie, and no one will ever replace our five. Others will pick up the mantle, so to speak. My biggest lesson from all this is that it was not a slap in Fritzie's face to love another; it was in his honor. Because I did love him, I could love still. I think he'd approve! I think Betty would too. You have too much soul not to share it. Not now, perhaps, because it's different for evereyone. We lost Fritzie early December three years ago, and figured we'd start looking for a cat after the holidays, we were giving it to late January. Lydia and Olive asked us to take Stosh Christmas Eve. i had lost my day job, and when I wasn't on my part-time holday job I was every day visiting Olive, ostensibly for coffee; she knew as well as I did it was because I needed a cat in my life! All the weird stuff about losing my job and the other one allowing hours with my friend just seemed to happen for a reason. The Powers that Be seemed to want us to take the hard-luck kitties. I'm not trying to dictate to you or anything. I just want to ssay first, it does get easier. Second, you have too much interest in all our cats to let a kitty slip by you for too long! ;-) When the time is right, a new kitty-love will make his or her way to you, and you won't be throwing away Betty or her love; you'll be planting it in new soil and making new flowers grow. Blessed be, Baha > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as > I'm writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. Oh, Tak. I feel for you. You ask, when do you, how do you get used to having lost a beloved kitty? The answers to both questions are different for everybody. It depends on your personality, your beliefs, and who knows what other factors. My answers might not be your answers. The answer I had when I lost Puma may not be the same as the answers I would have now. I think, if I were to lose a loved one in the near future, I would turn to meditation, trying to give myself mental space. And I would go into nature often, and marvel at the beauty of the world. And I would cry a lot, thinking about the loved one and the loss, but I would like to think that eventually I could think about them and smile. Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca > I'm finding it hard to get used to Betty being gone. Even now, as I'm > writing this. Right now, she should be on my lap, or patting my [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > But I do miss my little tuxedo girl so much. Lots and lots of hugs and purrs, Polonca and Soncek |
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