Dear Miss Nox.....

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Mischief - 26 Aug 2006 07:19 GMT

Or would you prefer that I call you Queen Nocturne? Forgive me if I
have improperly addressed you.

My name is Imp and I always have been very suspicious of my hoomins.
They say they love me and pet me and scritch me and of course feed me,
but I can't help but feeling like they are trying to trick me.

Like this evening, I came out to inspect all the boxes in the living
room. I was just sitting there, grooming a stray hair on my tail when
I hear my name. Mama Kristi is smiling and laughing at me. What did I
do? I just KNEW she was trying to trick me.

And later the two hoomins were both LOOKING at me. I know they were
talking about ME!

Every time i get my food I have to sniff it gingerly cause I'm afraid
they might be trying to trick me into eating something I don't want.
It's like when I had diarrhea and Mama Kristi gave me delicious brown
treats, but then i found that they had icky crunchy centers. (pill
pockets) It was a TRICK!!

And another time Mama Kristi was only PRETENDING to be nice to me but
she suddenly swooped me up and clipped all my precious claws. Another
cruel TRICK!!

I have snuck on and have read your exploits and you seem like a cat
that is not scared of the hoomins and the tricks they play. Do you
think that you could teach me to be strong and brave?

I'm just afraid that......OW!!!!

SCRAM YOU SPINELESS TOM!!!!! This is Mischief, please forgive the
ignorant rantings of Imp, he still thinks his tail is out to bite him.
(But isn't it......OUCH!!!) SHADDUP!!!!

Imp forgets that I'M the one in charge. I see EVERYTHING and NOTHING
gets by me. I know every move that the hoomins......heyheyHEY!!! PUT
ME DOWN!!!!

Imp again. You see? Mischief thought she was safe and the hoomin just
picked her up and carried her into the BATHROOM!!! Do you know what
horrible things go on in there?

Please help me, O great Nox, I don't like being a spineless tom. I
know I don't have a collarbone, but I don't want to be without a spine.

Sincerely,

Imp

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Will in New Haven - 26 Aug 2006 16:15 GMT

> Or would you prefer that I call you Queen Nocturne? Forgive me if I
> have improperly addressed you.
[quoted text clipped - 45 lines]
>
> Imp

Dear IMp, don't worry so mush. Hoomanz is immmenslty, I mean very,
stoopid but they means well. Dey do annoying tings but dey will nott
hurt you.

My Mommy was purrfect and almost not-stooopid and she made me an Uncle
Bill to care for me after she had to go somewhere butt uther hoomans
mean well too.

One minr ting: f yu are gna Kumunicate on the Iternet, yu shud spell
bettr. Yu shd also put yr lettrs n th right places n da wrds.

Wootoo in BRanfrd, Konnecticut, living with Uncle Bill nd Aunt MIckey
and Maggie May and Winnie and Sunrise, who is a bitch, and Misssseee
and Bear, a d*g but Uncle Bill says he can't help it.

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Enfilade - 26 Aug 2006 16:52 GMT

My dearest Imp:

> Or would you prefer that I call you Queen Nocturne? Forgive me if I
> have improperly addressed you.

Queen Nocturne will do nicely.

> Like this evening, I came out to inspect all the boxes in the living
> room. I was just sitting there, grooming a stray hair on my tail when
> I hear my name. Mama Kristi is smiling and laughing at me. What did I
> do? I just KNEW she was trying to trick me.

The first thing you must realize is that humes are very stupid. Do not
make the mistake of anthropomorphosizing them too much--their brains
are very dim, and even if they had the desire to trick a cat, they
usually lack the intellectual capacity to do it properly.

> And later the two hoomins were both LOOKING at me. I know they were
> talking about ME!

...talking about your divinity, beauty and superiority? That is
acceptable.

> Every time i get my food I have to sniff it gingerly cause I'm afraid
> they might be trying to trick me into eating something I don't want.
> It's like when I had diarrhea and Mama Kristi gave me delicious brown
> treats, but then i found that they had icky crunchy centers. (pill
> pockets) It was a TRICK!!

Obviously, the moral is to eat the pocket and leave the middle. This
may be trickery or just outright stupidity. For example, my servants
routinely offer me squishy food, when I do not eat anything that is not
crunchy. However, since they are attempting to make an offering, I
appreciate their respect and sacrifice, then leave the squishy junk for
the bitties, who consider me "generous" for it.

> And another time Mama Kristi was only PRETENDING to be nice to me but
> she suddenly swooped me up and clipped all my precious claws. Another
> cruel TRICK!!

...ah yes. This has happened to me as well. And I was sharpening
those claws for Smokey...Notify me at once if the humes find a way to
clip fangs. In the meantime, claws grow back, and you can still bite
people, or drop lamps onto their heads.

> I have snuck on and have read your exploits and you seem like a cat
> that is not scared of the hoomins and the tricks they play. Do you
> think that you could teach me to be strong and brave?

Do not take any guff from lesser life forms. Take charge, occupy the
places you please, and if anyone attempts to move you, bite them. Act
with dignity at all times. Realize that the ability to instill fear is
greater than any physical pain, and eat the ENTIRE cactus out of spite.

> SCRAM YOU SPINELESS TOM!!!!! This is Mischief, please forgive the
> ignorant rantings of Imp, he still thinks his tail is out to bite him.
> (But isn't it......OUCH!!!) SHADDUP!!!!

...you imply his tail was NOT out to bite him? IGNORANT FOOL, the tail
shall be the death of you! One MUST keep one's tail disciplined and in
its proper place!

(Note from Fil--Nox will still stalk and attack her own tail, and if I
catch her at it, I will be treated to this "my behaviour is eminently
logical and calculated...you dare question me?" look.)

> Imp forgets that I'M the one in charge. I see EVERYTHING and NOTHING
> gets by me. I know every move that the hoomins......heyheyHEY!!! PUT
> ME DOWN!!!!

They will regret that once you grow to your full size. In at least
half of my 666 lifetimes, I was considerably bigger than I am right
now.

> Imp again. You see? Mischief thought she was safe and the hoomin just
> picked her up and carried her into the BATHROOM!!! Do you know what
> horrible things go on in there?

My spies (the bitties) report that there is a whirlpool of torment and
suffering (Charybdis from Greek Myth, perhaps?), artificial rain, and a
litterbox that smells of Smokey's a.s. Therefore, I condemn others to
the Chamber of Bathroom Secrets, and use the hall boxes.

> Please help me, O great Nox, I don't like being a spineless tom. I
> know I don't have a collarbone, but I don't want to be without a spine.

You must find a weaker being, rip out his spine, and put it into
yourself.

I hope this has been of help,

Nocturne
Feline World Order president and dictator-for-eternity

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Will in New Haven - 26 Aug 2006 17:49 GMT

> My dearest Imp:
>
[quoted text clipped - 89 lines]
> Nocturne
> Feline World Order president and dictator-for-eternity

OOOH, I have my very ouen tagfile, as Uncle Bill calls them.

WooToo

--

"In the meantime, claws grow back, and you can still bite
people, or drop lamps onto their heads."
Nocturne - Feline World Order president and dictator-for-eternity

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Mischief - 26 Aug 2006 23:01 GMT

Thank you, Queen Nocturn for replying to my message and for giving me
such honored advice.

> The first thing you must realize is that humes are very stupid. Do not
> make the mistake of anthropomorphosizing......

Um, your majesty? what is antro.....anthromorhpah......? Um, what
does that mean?

In the meantime, claws grow back, and you can still bite

> people, or drop lamps onto their heads.

May I inquire to your majesty how to drop a lamp on my hoomin's head?
It won't hurt her will it?

> Do not take any guff from lesser life forms. Take charge, occupy the
> places you please, and if anyone attempts to move you, bite them. Act
> with dignity at all times.

Got it, act with dignity. Here comes the hoomin now. I'm NOT going
to move. This is MY chair and....and.....AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SCARY
HOOMIN RUN!!!!

*later* I am ashamed, i have a lot to learn. The hoomin scares me.

> You must find a weaker being, rip out his spine, and put it into
> yourself.

Hmmmmmm, The only lesser beings i know of around here are the birdies,
but Mama Kristi keeps them WAY up high where i can't get to them.
But i will keep searching.

Thank you your majesty. I shall do my best to make your proud.
HOOMIN, you shall grow to FEAR ME!! You think you are so smart, but
ONE DAY I will........oh no, she's coming towards me!! RUN!!!!!!!!

Imp

ps, this is from Mischief

> ...you imply his tail was NOT out to bite him? IGNORANT FOOL, the tail
> shall be the death of you! One MUST keep one's tail disciplined and in
> its proper place!

Well, MISS Nocturne, that would only apply if one HAD a problem with
one's tail. MY tail is NEVER out of line and I have never had to stoop
to discipline it. I always can hold it HIGH with NO problems.

> (Note from Fil--Nox will still stalk and attack her own tail, and if I
> catch her at it, I will be treated to this "my behaviour is eminently
> logical and calculated...you dare question me?" look.)

*Missy has never chased her tail, so i'm guess she finds that behavior
beneath her.

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Enfilade - 27 Aug 2006 01:42 GMT

> > The first thing you must realize is that humes are very stupid. Do not
> > make the mistake of anthropomorphosizing......
>
> Um, your majesty? what is antro.....anthromorhpah......? Um, what
> does that mean?

IT is when you presume a human is like a cat (ie, intelligent,
graceful, powerful, etc). You cannot interpret their behaviour
according to what would make sense to us, because they are not like us.
They are stupid.

> In the meantime, claws grow back, and you can still bite
> > people, or drop lamps onto their heads.
>
> May I inquire to your majesty how to drop a lamp on my hoomin's head?
> It won't hurt her will it?

1. Jump onto the bedside table and put your cheek against the bottom
of the lampshade.
2. Rub vigorously back and forth. You will see the lamp rocking at
its base, back and forth.
3. Position yourself so at the far point of the rock, the lamp is
leaning out over the sleeping human's head.
4. Cry loudly to give human one last chance to get up and feed you/pay
attention to you. (optional)
5. Push the shade with all your might when it is at the far point of
the rock, sending it tumbling over and impacting the shade on the
human's head.

The shade will collapse, saving human from permanent harm but most
assuredly awakening him/her.

> Hmmmmmm, The only lesser beings i know of around here are the birdies,
> but Mama Kristi keeps them WAY up high where i can't get to them.
> But i will keep searching.

I suggest jumping on top of other objects and/or the use of claws as
climbing spikes.

> Thank you your majesty. I shall do my best to make your proud.
> HOOMIN, you shall grow to FEAR ME!! You think you are so smart, but
> ONE DAY I will........oh no, she's coming towards me!! RUN!!!!!!!!

Remember they are your intellectual inferiors and must be treated with
firm discipline!

--Nocturne

PS. Nox learned from that lamp trick...I think the first time was an
accident but now she DELIBERATELY rocks the lamp as a threat if her
cries aren't enough on their own to get us up.

--Fil

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Takayuki - 27 Aug 2006 05:12 GMT

>PS. Nox learned from that lamp trick...I think the first time was an
>accident but now she DELIBERATELY rocks the lamp as a threat if her
>cries aren't enough on their own to get us up.

Not as dramatic, but years ago, Henry Christensen reported that his
cats had learned that his lamp, which is a touch type, can be turned
on and off by touching it with their noses. They were fascinated by
it and played with it by nosing it, then went around touching other
objects with their noses to see if they do something interesting too.

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Kreisleriana - 27 Aug 2006 19:40 GMT

>> > The first thing you must realize is that humes are very stupid. Do not
>> > make the mistake of anthropomorphosizing......
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
>according to what would make sense to us, because they are not like us.
> They are stupid.

Dear Miss Nox,
Wouldn't that be felino-morphizing?

Love,
Stinky

Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh

Make Levees, Not War

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Enfilade - 28 Aug 2006 00:07 GMT

> Dear Miss Nox,
> Wouldn't that be felino-morphizing?
>
> Love,
> Stinky

Stinky:

It probably is, but like, you don't wanna be within paw range when you
tell her that.

--Smokey Poke

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