The Feline 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me ... A batch of my
special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet
sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table,
poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly
off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four
cups of sugar, three sticks of butter ... Of course, it would have been
cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename
the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me ... On a trip to
the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal?
I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the
veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other
Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet
removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at
it with a pair of tweezers.

On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me ... 13 ornaments on
my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the
branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while
Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the was actually
measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? $7.50 plus tax.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me ... A statue in my
Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity
figurines: $55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me ...The kid across
the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted
to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to
do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's
bloodstained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice.
Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me
put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this
year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me ... The presents
beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early
shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's
stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent
aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of
Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of
bows Sara can't unravel.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me ... The earrings I
bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary
doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does
make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me ... Replace my E and G
guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty
hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought
so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way.
Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I came in. After
paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been
willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season,
except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing
home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar
strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me ... My Christmas
card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to
Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what
happened to the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me .... The remote control
from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't
previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas
specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of
"It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats":
$24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of
kittens with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me ... The drumsticks
off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I
never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey,
Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.

On the twelfth day of Christmas ... Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did
my VISA card.