You forgot to mention "3A. Close eyes lest you get hind feet scratches
on your eyeballs."

Well we knew that no kitties were harmed, but you'd better not count
on your disclaimer to get you off the hook, we USAians are a litigious
lot.

Regards and Purrs,
O J

Bobby would just think that for some strange reason, you were giving
him belly rubs with your head.  However, if a person were to do that
with a couple others we've got, well..........just make sure you've
got your Will in order.

-bonbon

This is best done with a *kitten*. Older cats might take your scalp
off!!

Joyce

Dear Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with one another so there are still three cats in the way. The dishes
with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The hallway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the end of the hall is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to one another stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.

My phone cord is not black licorice.  For the last time, there is not
a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull
the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; feline attendance is
not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

The bathroom sink is for washing hands and was not meant to be your
personal water fountain. I'm tired of being summoned to the bathroom
when you are ready for a drink. The bowl of water in the kitchen is
not contaminated and has no floaters! So from now on you will drink
from there... I put fresh water in daily!

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets.
1. The cats live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, he's a cat. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the kittens.

"Gun Control, the theory that a 110lb grandmother should
fist fight a 250lb 19yr old criminal"

--

How to wash a cat.  This really works.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both
lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him/her while you carry it toward the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
(you may need to stand on
the lid so that they cannot escape).CAUTION:  Do not get any part of your
body too close to the
edge, as their paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat
will self-agitate and
make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, they are
actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
"rinse" which I have
found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet
and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where
he/she will dry
themselves.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Here's how I get an invigorating scalp scratch*:
1. Grab a willing cat. Probably best to use a cat with clipped claws until
you get the hang of it.
2. Lay the cat on its back in your lap with its head away from you.
3. Hold the cat under the arms so that they stick out straight.
4. Bend forward and rub the top of your head up and down on the cat's paws.
5. You might need to provoke the cat a little by rubbing your forehead on
its tummy.
6. When sufficiently annoyed the cat will extend its claws, and you're set
for a stimulating and exhilarating scratch.
7. For an extra thrill, bring the top of your head down to the cats mouth
and it will try to bite you.

* The author takes no responsibility for any injuries or feline/human
discord resulting from the practice of this procedure. No cats were harmed
in the development of this procedure.