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Cat Forum / Cat Anecdotes / July 2006Betty's doorstep
This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the matter, it came right inside, exploring all around the house. It was a little dog, short black fur, and with a muscular shape and short legs a bit like a bulldog, but no taller or longer than a housecat. When I went to pick it up, it rolled over to show its belly. It was a she. She had a collar, but no tags. So I went back outside with the dog at my heels, as I looked up and down my quiet dead-end street for signs of an owner. No owner. It was just another quiet morning in this sleepy neighborhood. I went all around ringing doorbells and calling on neighbors gardening and working in their yards. Nobody seemed to be sure whose dog it was. By this time, I had her on a leash I used to use with Betty's harness. I called the police, I called animal control (they weren't in, so I left a message), I called friends, I called co-workers, I had a retired neighbor come over to look at the dog, and generally spent the morning causing an uncharacteristic ruckus. I tied her to a post next to my house while I went inside to fetch cell phones, pens and papers to write notes, and other things. Every time I went inside and out of sight, it would take her about 1 second to start whimpering and crying. Eventually, I attracted the attention of some neighbors further down whose dogs apparently accidentally got out. They thanked me, and I told them I was glad she was with her real owners. The end. :) But I remembered how a month ago, I came home from work one day to find a rabbit sitting at my doorstep. It sitting right next to and seemed to be calling attention to, a little package that was left there. It hopped away as my car approached, leaving me alone with the package. Why a rabbit would have been attracted to Betty's ashes, I had no clue. Today's little half-hour adventure cheered me up. It was something like a little impromptu block party, and I felt caring and concern for another furry being again. And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs > can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. Betty is trying to distract you from your grief, methinks. I'm glad the little dog was reunited with its owners. >> This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously >> and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > Betty is trying to distract you from your grief, methinks. I'm glad the > little dog was reunited with its owners. You are sort of new to this world of the feline aren't you? Those of us who have lived with cats for many years almost start to get used to it. Betty is drawing you back in. Her doorstep isn't always going to be empty. Jo >>> This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously >>> and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 50 lines] > > Jo I think this is so wonderful. How many times has a rabbit sat on my doorstep? Never. How many times has a lost dog scratched my door? Never. I think Betty is sending them to encourage you to find room in your heart for another to ease your grief. Tweed >I think this is so wonderful. How many times has a rabbit sat on my >doorstep? Never. How many times has a lost dog scratched my door? Never. >I think Betty is sending them to encourage you to find room in your heart >for another to ease your grief. It did lift my spirits, but maybe it does happen to everyone from time to time. How many times has a large rat sat on your doorstep? According to Boyfriend, none. ;) >>I think this is so wonderful. How many times has a rabbit sat on my >>doorstep? Never. How many times has a lost dog scratched my door? [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > It did lift my spirits, but maybe it does happen to everyone from time > to time. You think so? > How many times has a large rat sat on your doorstep? LOL! Not quite the same ;-) > According to Boyfriend, none. ;) Ah, but his speciality is catching the small ones before they become big enough to sit on the doorstep. He is far too sensible to risk being bitten by the big ole grandaddy ones with the brown chisel teeth. Even one of the terriers got a bite on the lip hard enough to make her squeal during the last rat hunt. That last hunt really made a difference to the rat population here. Tweed >>> This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously >>> and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 48 lines] > Betty is drawing you back in. Her doorstep isn't always going to be > empty. Yes, she's reminding you that you *need* a furry person in your life. Maybe not just yet, but soon. Perhaps thats why she hasn't sent you a cat yet, because she knows you aren't quite ready, but I'm sure she's trying to remind you of the good times you had with her, and how life will always be a little empty for you without some fur bucket being the dictator of your heart. *Hugs* Yowie >Yes, she's reminding you that you *need* a furry person in your life. Maybe >not just yet, but soon. Perhaps thats why she hasn't sent you a cat yet, [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > >Yowie I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. > I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a > hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. Tak, Betty never blamed you for anything. If a cat blames you, believe me, you KNOW it. I've been glared at, ignored, had my shoes pooped in, had the bathtub pooped in (better than the shoes), been burped on, spit on, had my water glass sneezed in and so forth. Believe me cats will let you know if you are out of favor. Pam S. >> I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a >> hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > on, had my water glass sneezed in and so forth. Believe me cats will > let you know if you are out of favor. <Chuckle> This could not be better said!!! :) Joyce >> I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a >> hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. What does she have to forgive you for? For loving her? For giving her the best medical care possible? For finally deciding enough was enough? All these things are what we take on when get an animal and fortunately, usually they don't outlive us which lets us decide the best thing to do for them. When I had to make the decision for my most beloved Pollyanna, I too stayed with her when the injection was given. Then I took myself off down the village and threw myself into a bed of stinging nettles, such was my pain. If anyone had seen me, they would have thought I was mad, and for that short time having lost Pollyanna, I was: absolutely crazy. Tak. it will get better, but slowly. Hang in there. I think about you every day. Tweed > What does she have to forgive you for? For loving her? For giving her the > best medical care possible? For finally deciding enough was enough? [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > pain. If anyone had seen me, they would have thought I was mad, and for > that short time having lost Pollyanna, I was: absolutely crazy. That's so sad! You should bring her up more often, never mind that she was a doggie. > Tak. it will get better, but slowly. Hang in there. I think about you > every day. I sometimes wonder what exactly is the mechanism by which this typically happens? I wondered if things get better because you start forgetting about a loved one, or start loving them less, or because you start feeling your own mortality enough that you become hopefully that you'll join the loved one soon? I know it sounds silly, but I've sometimes wondered what it is that's supposed to happen, and when it happens. >> What does she have to forgive you for? For loving her? For giving her >> the [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > sometimes wondered what it is that's supposed to happen, and when it > happens. I know for me, time didn't make me think of them less. But time allowed me to get some control over what I remembered when I remembered. So just from my own experience, I'd work on making each and every good, or happy or pleasant memory as easy and clear as it can be to recall. Its kind of what people do for each other at a wake. To share and cement the memories they most want to keep in the front of their minds. Jo > I know for me, time didn't make me think of them less. But time allowed me > to get some control over what I remembered when I remembered. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > Its kind of what people do for each other at a wake. To share and cement > the memories they most want to keep in the front of their minds. The good memories seem far away, as though it was from a dream. The memory that's foremost on my mind, well, that's the final one. We had 2.5 good years at least, followed by just 0.5 years of struggling and battling. There were more good times than bad, and they have to be somewhere. They were just not the most recent ones. >> What does she have to forgive you for? For loving her? For giving >> her the best medical care possible? For finally deciding enough was [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > sometimes wondered what it is that's supposed to happen, and when it > happens. You never forget, but time does help. I still miss my first cat, Figaro, she died in 1973. I still think of her, and all the other animals I've shared my life with, nearly every day. I still miss them all but most of the memories are good rather than bad.  SignatureAdrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera) Cats leave pawprints on your heart. http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk >> What does she have to forgive you for? For loving her? For giving her >> the [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > That's so sad! You should bring her up more often, never mind that she > was a doggie. Ah, I did so love her, like you loved Betty. >> Tak. it will get better, but slowly. Hang in there. I think about you >> every day. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > start feeling your own mortality enough that you become hopefully that > you'll join the loved one soon? It's none of those things. Gradually as you heal - it varies as to the time scale - your loss will not be the first thing you think about when you wake up or go to sleep. It is early days yet for you, my experience has been it can take up to two years. > I know it sounds silly, but I've > sometimes wondered what it is that's supposed to happen, and when it > happens. There is no what or when. When it happens you will know. It's individual for us all. One day you will realise that it was not the first thing you thought about, and then the healing process can begin. It won't be yet for you but it will come eventually. I do understand. Tweed <snip> > It's none of those things. Gradually as you heal - it varies as to > the time scale - your loss will not be the first thing you think > about when you wake up or go to sleep. It is early days yet for you, > my experience has been it can take up to two years. <snip> It can take a *lot* longer than that, believe me. :-( SignatureAdrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera) Cats leave pawprints on your heart. http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk >>Yes, she's reminding you that you *need* a furry person in your life. Maybe >>not just yet, but soon. Perhaps thats why she hasn't sent you a cat yet, [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a > hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. You didn't do anything wrong, Tak, and Betty knows that. That's why she is saying Hi to you by sending you a rabbit and a lost doggie. She wants you to know she is watching over you. Lots of purrs and hugs, Polonca and Soncek > > I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a > > hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. > > You didn't do anything wrong, Tak, and Betty knows that. That's why she > is saying Hi to you by sending you a rabbit and a lost doggie. She wants > you to know she is watching over you. I think there are several things I might have done wrong. Betty had lived with me for almost three years before developing cancer. Whatever the carcinogen or trigger was, it must have happened while she was with me. When she got a check-up, the vet mentioned that she had some tartar, and suggested scheduling a cleaning. I declined. Maybe they would have found something if I hadn't. I put her through months of radiation therapy and chemotherapy, even though the oncologist told me the chances of them working were low. And the expression on her little face when she was lying dead, it was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. It was a sadder sight than the day I spotted her huddled in her cage at the shelter. It was so much sadder. When I adopted her and tried to take care of her, I wasn't able to make things better for her, I just made them worse. > > > I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a > > > hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > of radiation therapy and chemotherapy, even though the oncologist told > me the chances of them working were low. Dear Tak, sweetie. You are beating yourself up with irrational guilt. Cancer is cancer. She may have been born with it. She may have been exposed to the trigger (if indeed it was triggered rather than inevitable) long before she met you. You did everything in your power to help her. Everything. I'm really sorry she didn't recover, but that snot your fault. You tried. And inthe mean time, you gave her the love and affection she would have never have got otherwise. You did your best, Tak, your very best for her. Thats all us mortals can do in the end. We aren't gods, we cna't wave magic wands and make suffering,disease and the other maladies of this mortal realm dissappear, as much as we would like to. You did your best, and gave all your love. Thats all anyone can ask of you. > And the expression on her little face when she was lying dead, it was > the saddest thing I'd ever seen. It was a sadder sight than the day I > spotted her huddled in her cage at the shelter. It was so much sadder. > When I adopted her and tried to take care of her, I wasn't able to > make things better for her, I just made them worse. This is not rational thinking, Tak. We could all tell you how you made her life *better*, but until you can see that, you'll only see Betty's death and feel guilty over it rather than seeing the beauty of Betty's life and being thankful for it. Please go and see a grief councillor, or a therapist. You are showing distinct signs of clinical depression, the main one being blaming yourself and feeling guilty about something that you had no control over. Please. I'm really getting worried about you. Yowie >Dear Tak, sweetie. You are beating yourself up with irrational guilt. Cancer >is cancer. She may have been born with it. She may have been exposed to the [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >dissappear, as much as we would like to. You did your best, and gave all >your love. Thats all anyone can ask of you. I'm going to second it. A person--two-legged or four--can have a cancer brewing for years and all of a sudden it gets fired up. Please, I beg of you, do not blame yourself. I want to tell you this, in caps and please don't think i'm yelling I'm just emphasizing: PLEASE DON'T LET YOURSELF TURN INTO ANOTHER LIZ SINGH. Blame and shame for things from twenty and thirty years back have put me into therapy for beating myself up; as a recent post shows, quite literally. Please. Do not blame yourself. Betty went to the world beyond knowing love and mercy, not pain. Don't kick yourself, and for Godsake don't hurt yourself, literally or figuratively. >This is not rational thinking, Tak. We could all tell you how you made her >life *better*, but until you can see that, you'll only see Betty's death and [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >distinct signs of clinical depression, the main one being blaming yourself >and feeling guilty about something that you had no control over. I'm going to second this too. We like you. We don't want to see you sinking into a vortex of death and pain. Betty is a tangible example of love and sacrifice above selfish desire; and you are no selfish person, Tak. the world would do better for more humane folk like you. >Please. I'm really getting worried about you. Me too. Blessed be, Baha > Blame and shame for things from twenty and thirty years > back have put me into therapy for beating myself up; as a recent post shows, > quite literally. Please. Do not blame yourself. Betty went to the world > beyond knowing love and mercy, not pain. Don't kick yourself, and for Godsake > don't hurt yourself, literally or figuratively. Thank you for your thoughts, although I don't think I'd mind being you. :) I hope those things for Betty. I have questions for Betty, and one of the things I ask her is whether she felt pain and terror at the end, or if she fell gently into a sleep from which she didn't wake up. > This is not rational thinking, Tak. We could all tell you how you made her > life *better*, but until you can see that, you'll only see Betty's death and > feel guilty over it rather than seeing the beauty of Betty's life and being > thankful for it. I want to be rational, and I try to be rational. But there's a lot to think about. I am thankful to Betty for the time she spent with me, and I think about it a lot. I think about it when I'm at work, when I'm at home. I hum the silly tunes I used to sing to her. When it's late at night and it's quiet, I'm up thinking about her. I get so tired in the daytime, and I have to stay in on weekends to catch up on sleep. It's a bit of solace to sleep where Betty used to sleep, and to be in the home where Betty used to be. A little oasis of comfort where I fall into deep unconsciousness in the spot where Betty used to sleep. So I spend my time thinking, and resting, and trying to think things through as rationally as I can. > Please go and see a grief councillor, or a therapist. You are showing > distinct signs of clinical depression, the main one being blaming yourself > and feeling guilty about something that you had no control over. Maybe I said too much in my last post. It's hard to explain, but what I said was like a confession of my own doubts and fears. I don't think that anyone is proud of absolutely every decision they've ever made, and those are the ones I'm not necessarily proud of. And in my mind, it's about Betty. Whenever I mention Betty, people question me about me, but in my mind, I'm just a messenger. I didn't get cancer, or get euthanized. So I'm not the one who needs treatment; look at how fine I am doing compared to Betty. > > This is not rational thinking, Tak. We could all tell you how you made her > > life *better*, but until you can see that, you'll only see Betty's death and [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > I want to be rational, and I try to be rational. But there's a lot to > think about. A councillor or therapist won't stop you thinking about Betty, or take away your memories of her. But will help you be able to put those thoughts into perspective, to carry them with you and visit any time you like, but not for them to "take over" your thoughts, your life. > I am thankful to Betty for the time she spent with me, > and I think about it a lot. I think about it when I'm at work, when [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > that anyone is proud of absolutely every decision they've ever made, > and those are the ones I'm not necessarily proud of. Sweetie, I know you aren't proud. Its an aweful decision that we, as furparents, have to face. But her death is not your fault. Had you not met her, she still would have died regardless, simply because with any life comes death. You did everything you could for her, and in the end you gave her the last, final, relief. It hurts yes, but its not something that you ought to blame yourself, or even feel ashamed about. Hurt, yes, but guilty, not at all. That you think about her so much that you have to stay in on weekends to catch up on the sleep you missed because of your thoughts about Betty, that means you are not coping, and its impacting on your health and your life. Betty would not want you to be this way. > And in my mind, it's about Betty. Whenever I mention Betty, people > question me about me, but in my mind, I'm just a messenger. I didn't > get cancer, or get euthanized. So I'm not the one who needs treatment; > look at how fine I am doing compared to Betty. Again, "When compared to..." is not a rational thought. If you broke your leg, would you go get it seen to, or think "well, I'm far better off than a person with two broken legs, so I'm not the one who needs treatment?" Or, if you came down with the flu, would you deny yourself treatment because there are people in the world that have pneumonia? Please. Go see someone. Please. Yowie > I think there are several things I might have done wrong. Betty had > lived with me for almost three years before developing cancer. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > of radiation therapy and chemotherapy, even though the oncologist told > me the chances of them working were low. I've got to say something - as a biologist I can't let you blame yourself for her illness!! Cancer can take much longer than 3 years to develop to a stage where it shows up; it depends on several things - the genetics of the individual, and the quality of life as much as anything else. So you probably extended her happy life by taking such good care of her once she came to live with you, by improving her state of well-being. I would take a very strong chance on the fact that the trigger for her illness was something in her previous life - for example, exposure to cigarette smoke, the airborne residues of which she would have groomed off her fur. Being made to wear a flea collar is another possibility. Outdoor living in a heavily polluted area is yet another. Plus you have to have some genetic pre-disposition as well for a lot of cancers, the same triggers don't cause cancer in every single individual. And how would you be feeling now if you *hadn't* tried every opportunity to try and heal Betty? There was a chance it would work - a small one, but still a chance - and I think there's not one amongst us who if they were able to try something that might just cure their beloved companion, wouldn't have done exactly what you did, Tak. I know I would have done the same. There would always be a huge 'what if.....', otherwise. (((((((((Tak))))))))) Deb. Signaturehttp://www.scientific-art.com "He looked a fierce and quarrelsome cat, but claw he never would; He only bit the ones he loved, because they tasted good." S. Greenfield > I've got to say something - as a biologist I can't let you blame > yourself for her illness!! Cancer can take much longer than 3 years to > develop to a stage where it shows up; it depends on several things - the > genetics of the individual, and the quality of life as much as anything > else. Thanks Debbie. It is nice and interesting to hear this from a biologist. I'll accept that we can't know how Betty got her cancer. Her oncologist said about the same thing. He said that squamous cell carcinoma is similar to cancers that people get from say, chewing tobacco, and that cats might get it from licking up something they picked up in their fur, but that's speculation. It made me crazy for a bit racking my brains about what there might have been in Betty's home environment that could have caused this, but there just isn't enough data or knowledge there to say anything. > > > I'm not sure how to interpret the message, but today I at least felt a > > > hope that Betty had forgiven me, or will someday forgive me. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > of radiation therapy and chemotherapy, even though the oncologist told > me the chances of them working were low. Tak, you really cannot say because you didn't get her teeth cleaned this is your fault. You are a bright man and you must know that cancer does not work that way. Particularly this kind of cancer. I know other folks whose kitties have and had this. It's a TERRIBLE cancer, it is NOT something you did. Treating her, you were doing your best for her. It really makes me mad to see you say this. I understand. I certainly have felt that way about Grant, and yet, I know that there must be existing conditions in the cells, in the genetics, something or else we would all get these things. It would be reproducable in the lab and therefore they could find perfect cures. That just is NOT the way it is and to blame yourself so much is actually rather arrogant. Hmmph! I have spoken. > And the expression on her little face when she was lying dead, it was > the saddest thing I'd ever seen. It was a sadder sight than the day I > spotted her huddled in her cage at the shelter. It was so much sadder. > When I adopted her and tried to take care of her, I wasn't able to > make things better for her, I just made them worse. If you ask me cancer such as hers is just a no win situation. I don't think there is a right or wrong. For years before Betty got this it has been the cancer I most feared my cats getting. I think it is utterly the worst one out there. Mostly, if you want to blame someone, blame ME. I wanted you, faithful reader of cat stories and rememberer of every name and anecdote told in the last umpteen years to have your own cat love and I badgered you into going to the shelter. So to be brutally honest, I made you the saddest person on Earth. I made Betty live longer than she should because I bet you dollars to donuts, she would have not gone to a home with much if any vet care. So there it is. The truth revealed. Betty, IMO, was just an amazing little cat. She was sweeter than about any cat I've ever read about and I think you both enjoyed each other possibly more than any kitty couple I ever knew. I'm greatly saddened it had to be so short and in the end so painful. But I couldn't know, you couldn't know, Betty couldn't know. I just feel I have ruined you for ever having a kitty friend again. > If you ask me cancer such as hers is just a no win situation. I don't think > there is a right or wrong. For years before Betty got this it has been the > cancer I most feared my cats getting. I think it is utterly the worst one > out there. You knew about this type of cancer before? I didn't know what the different cancers were until Betty was diagnosed. And I was stunned by how bleak the prognosis was. I thought that cancers were more treatable these days, especially when they were caught that small! But it was such an incredibly tenacious and deadly little tumor. I can't believe we were defeated by something so small. > Mostly, if you want to blame someone, blame ME. I wanted you, faithful > reader of cat stories and rememberer of every name and anecdote told in the [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > donuts, she would have not gone to a home with much if any vet care. So > there it is. The truth revealed. I could understand why you wanted other people to share your joy of cats, but only now am I getting some idea of why I felt like I was being singled out for targeting. :) But obviously, none of this is even close to being your fault. > Betty, IMO, was just an amazing little cat. She was sweeter than about any > cat I've ever read about and I think you both enjoyed each other possibly > more than any kitty couple I ever knew. I'm greatly saddened it had to be so > short and in the end so painful. But I couldn't know, you couldn't know, > Betty couldn't know. I just feel I have ruined you for ever having a kitty > friend again. That's not true. Every kitty, and even a doggie or a rabbit is a potential friend. Just yesterday, I spent 15 minutes talking to a homeless person with two cats, at the corner of 1st and Market in downtown San Francisco. He was holding this orange cat that was headbutting and kneading and kissing and even giving love bites. He told me about his cats, and I told him about Betty. Cat anecdotes can be shared on street corners too. :) > Just yesterday, I spent 15 minutes talking to a > homeless person with two cats, at the corner of 1st and Market in > downtown San Francisco. What? You're in San Francisco???? I had no idea! For how long? Email me! I'd love to have you come over and meet my brood. Joyce (remove the X's from the jXwXeXrXmXoXnXt part to send me email) > > Just yesterday, I spent 15 minutes talking to a > > homeless person with two cats, at the corner of 1st and Market in [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Joyce (remove the X's from the jXwXeXrXmXoXnXt part to send me email) Hi Joyce! Maybe it's too late for you now? But I sent you an email late this morning with my schedule and cell phone number. If you'd like to get in touch, that would be wonderful! I'll be flying back tonight. > Hi Joyce! Maybe it's too late for you now? But I sent you an email > late this morning with my schedule and cell phone number. If you'd > like to get in touch, that would be wonderful! I'll be flying back > tonight. I might be able to meet later this evening. I am at work now, and usually work into the evening. I could leave a little early, though, and drive up to San Francisco. I'm about 30 miles south of where you are right now, and if I came up later than 7PM, I would miss the rush hour traffic, so it would probably take me about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes to get there. (In reality, it would probably be closer to 8PM, or maybe 7:30.) I will try to call you on your PDA soon. Joyce > I might be able to meet later this evening. I am at work now, and usually > work into the evening. I could leave a little early, though, and drive > up to San Francisco. I'm about 30 miles south of where you are right now, > and if I came up later than 7PM, I would miss the rush hour traffic, so > it would probably take me about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes to get there. (In > reality, it would probably be closer to 8PM, or maybe 7:30.) Thanks for letting me know - that sounds good, but we might not be able to talk for too long - to be safe, I should probably head out to the airport by around 8:30 pm. Looking forward to hearing from you. :) > I think there are several things I might have done wrong. Betty had > lived with me for almost three years before developing cancer. [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > When I adopted her and tried to take care of her, I wasn't able to > make things better for her, I just made them worse. If you hadn't been adopted by Betty, she would have spent all her life huddled in the cage at the shelter! But you gave her three years filled with love, caring and giving her the best veterinary care she could get. You did everything you could for her. It did not save her, but it gave both of you more quality time together. You gave her the best three years any kitty could ever have. Please take care of yourself, Tak, and know that you have done nothing wrong, Polonca and Soncek > If you hadn't been adopted by Betty, she would have spent all her life > huddled in the cage at the shelter! But you gave her three years filled [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > wrong, > Polonca and Soncek Thank you Polonca. I never felt that I figured Betty out fully. I thought she was a fascinating purrson, and I wish that I had more time with her. > I think there are several things I might have done wrong. No, you didn't. Stop looking for fault where there is none. You want to place blame, because then you could say, I understand this, I understand how it happened, and I will never let it happen to anyone I love in the future. But that's not how life goes. Life is uncertain. Life is unfair. Things happen and there's no reason we can access, no sense of rightness or righteousness. Because the world is unfair and uncaring, our love and tenderness is the greatest gift we can give. You gave that to Betty in spades. Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca > No, you didn't. Stop looking for fault where there is none. You want > to place blame, because then you could say, I understand this, I [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > Because the world is unfair and uncaring, our love and tenderness is > the greatest gift we can give. You gave that to Betty in spades. Maybe at some level, that's why I want to try to make sense of things, to make sure that it doesn't happen again. But you're right - that's probably not possible. At another level, I can't deny that I was responsible for Betty's welfare, and even now I feel like I don't want to duck that responsibility. Maybe that's not rational anymore, but it doesn't seem rational to me either to just wash my hands of everything just because she's dead. >> No, you didn't. Stop looking for fault where there is none. You want >> to place blame, because then you could say, I understand this, I [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > doesn't seem rational to me either to just wash my hands of everything > just because she's dead. No one is suggesting you do that though. It's just that you can't go on blaming yourself either for the cancer, for the outcome. No matter how you look at it right now, you just feel that everything was unfair to Betty and it was, but it doesn't change that she was a wonderful kitty and loved you. You did your best Tak. > I think there are several things I might have done wrong. Betty had > lived with me for almost three years before developing cancer. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > of radiation therapy and chemotherapy, even though the oncologist told > me the chances of them working were low. Tak, if you go by your words, I'm responsible for Rob's brain cancer. He was living with me, eating my cooking, and sleeping in my bed when he was diagnosed with it. It doesn't matter that they think that he encountered "the trigger" when he was in Desert Storm in 1991, just that he was diagnosed when we were together. And I'm the one who drove him to all those chemo and radiation treatments. Was I wrong? Rob is going to die from his cancer, was I wrong for trying to give him a longer time on earth? Please use your head as well as your heart. You gave Betty a good life, better than most cats get, and now you are damn near luxuriating in your grief. Buddy, I'm here for you. But you have to see a counselor as you need help. I fully plan on seeing one after Rob goes, as there will be enough grief to pass around after he's gone. Pam S. > Please use your head as well as your heart. You gave Betty a good life, > better than most cats get, and now you are damn near luxuriating in your > grief. Buddy, I'm here for you. But you have to see a counselor as you > need help. I fully plan on seeing one after Rob goes, as there will be > enough grief to pass around after he's gone. Grief. Does it really come through that unambiguously, and even if it did, does it matter what I feel? Maybe to me it might, but otherwise, it's all so... I want to say, "irrelevant". At least as far as affecting what's already happened to Betty. But still, if I could talk to Betty just one last time, I want to tell her that I am sorry. And if she happened to look at me innocently and ask, "Whatever for...?" Remember when Mandy told you that therapy would be for kids who had gone through *unhappy* childhoods? I would feel as happy as you probably felt when she told you that. > Grief. Does it really come through that unambiguously, and even if it > did, does it matter what I feel? Maybe to me it might, but otherwise, > it's all so... I want to say, "irrelevant". At least as far as > affecting what's already happened to Betty. I wonder if there's a cultural difference here. My immediate reaction to the above is, "But *your* feelings matter, too!" In fact, at this point, I would say that your feelings matter more, because you're the one who is still living and having feelings. (Even if you believe in an afterlife, I'd be willing to bet that things are a lot different on the other side, and you probably can't compare what you feel with what they are feeling.) But that aside, what I'm hearing is that you don't feel right about giving yourself permission to have feelings, and to have respect for them. It's like, you feel so insignificant next to what Betty has had to go through, that what right do you have to think what you are going through matters? The reason I'm wondering if there's a cultural difference is because most Westerners I know (which includes anyone from a Western culture, not just the USA or Europe) have, as part of our cultural heritage, a sense of entitlement about our own feelings and experiences. We might not think we're the most important person in the world, but most of us at least feel like we have the right to feel what we feel, and that our feelings matter. But maybe it's different in Japanese culture? I've always sensed that Asians have less a sense of the importance of the individual self, as compared to the importance of group, the family, the community. Whereas Westerners put more importance on individual happiness, or at least, on individual experiences. So I wonder if that might be one reason your posts about Betty, and about how you feel like your grief doesn't even matter, compared to what Betty had to experience, might sound like you're having serious problems with your grief, when in fact, that way of looking at things might be normal for you? Just something to consider. > But still, if I could talk to Betty just one last time, I want to tell > her that I am sorry. And if she happened to look at me innocently and > ask, "Whatever for...?" Remember when Mandy told you that therapy > would be for kids who had gone through *unhappy* childhoods? I would > feel as happy as you probably felt when she told you that. That is so bittersweet... Joyce > Grief. Does it really come through that unambiguously, and even if it > did, does it matter what I feel? Maybe to me it might, but otherwise, [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > would be for kids who had gone through *unhappy* childhoods? I would > feel as happy as you probably felt when she told you that. Ok, here we go again. Sorry for what? That you got her better medical care than most people would have for their cats? Until you posted about Betty, I didn't know that there were veterinarian oncologists. I would have talked to TED found out what her prognosis was, how much quality time she probably had left, then cried my eyes out while holding her while they put the anesthetic in. Have you ever had an operation, Tak? You just lay back and doze right off. Basically that is what it was like for Betty. She felt a little bug bite, then fell asleep, and she wasn't in pain any more. I would like you to do something for all of us. Write a story about a happy time you had with Betty. Or republish one you already wrote. How about when you first met and you brought her home? Or an evening when the two of you did something special together, like watch tv or read a book, or played. Just one story today about a happy memory you two had together. Pam S. > Tak, if you go by your words, I'm responsible for Rob's brain cancer. Excellent point! Tak, surely you don't blame Pam for Rob's illness, do you?? Then how could you blame yourself for Betty's? It's no different. I also really liked what Monique said earlier about how life isn't always fair and blaming yourself is one way people try to feel a sense of control over senseless death and suffering. I sometimes feel angry at the injustice in the way that Betty was taken from you, so I can only imagine what it must feel like to you. That's a hard thing to accept. {{{Tak}}} Purrs, Joyce >You are sort of new to this world of the feline aren't you? Those of us who >have lived with cats for many years almost start to get used to it. Betty >is drawing you back in. Her doorstep isn't always going to be empty. > >Jo I don't know how much a rabbit and a dog has to do with the world of the feline, and I don't think I can get used to having a dog I've never seen before dash past me into my house. Although I was sort of glad that Betty wasn't here today, or else there might have really been a scene. :) >> You are sort of new to this world of the feline aren't you? Those >> of us who have lived with cats for many years almost start to get [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > glad that Betty wasn't here today, or else there might have really > been a scene. :) It would have been something from the old 'I Love Lucy' chronicles, for sure! You chasing a dog chasing a cat! But seriously, Betty's doorstep is a special place and perhaps another kitty will show up there one day, just like Persia showed up on mine. When you're ready, you'll be able to accept him or her. Jill >Betty is trying to distract you from your grief, methinks. I'm glad the >little dog was reunited with its owners. I was distracted. From breakfast. :) I'm glad to that the owners were located. I didn't know what I was going to do with her! With those stubby little legs and desperate-for-attention demeanor, I knew she must have come from somewhere close by, and I didn't want to give her up to a pound without checking all my neighbors. Takayuki skrev i meddelandet ... >This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously >and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] >And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs >can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. Awwww!!! I am glad you could help the little doggie and her people. Elisabet Perhaps it is that rabbits have been for centuries a symbol of new life, and Betty has sent her to you to show that she lives still, and does not forget you. Blessed be, Baha >This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously >and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] >And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs >can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. >Perhaps it is that rabbits have been for centuries a symbol of new life, and >Betty has sent her to you to show that she lives still, and does not forget >you. I wish she lived still. I do wish I could still be at her side. Thank you for the Easter reminder - it's good symbolism. I don't know if you believe in an afterlife, if that's part of your beliefs or heritage. I do believe there is a place beyond the material. Life is the energy which drives a being, and I think it was Einstein who said that energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed. So I believe that Betty lives on that other plane with my Fritzie and all those who have gone before us. The Christian scriptures say that the place of the Divine Creator has many mansions, and I have no doubt that quite a few of them have kitty trees in the living rooms. Heaven would be boring without our cherished pets, and I don't know how to play a harp so what else can you do for eternity? You and Betty will be together again, I have no doubt of it. In fact, I think her little spirit is still with you, perhaps playing a nice game of chase with a bunny. Blessed be, Baha > >Perhaps it is that rabbits have been for centuries a symbol of new life, and > >Betty has sent her to you to show that she lives still, and does not forget > >you. > > I wish she lived still. I do wish I could still be at her side. > Thank you for the Easter reminder - it's good symbolism. > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the > matter, it came right inside, exploring all around the house. It was > a little dog, short black fur, and with a muscular shape and short > legs a bit like a bulldog, but no taller or longer than a housecat. [snip story] > Today's little half-hour adventure cheered me up. It was something > like a little impromptu block party, and I felt caring and concern for > another furry being again. > And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs > can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. And, don't forget, you made another human being very happy to get their dog back!! I know just how that person feels! And isn't it wonderful when you feel that thaw, for just a moment, a spark of caring for another animal, when you thought you never could again? Tak, why aren't you a writer???? That post was so beautifully written. At least start a blog! :) Joyce > > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Tak, why aren't you a writer???? That post was so beautifully written. > At least start a blog! :) Seconded! All of Tak's posts are written with a really delicate & light touch. They are a pleasure to read. Yowie > <jXwXeXrXmXoXnXt@sonic.net> wrote in message >> Tak, why aren't you a writer???? That post was so beautifully written. >> At least start a blog! :) > Seconded! > All of Tak's posts are written with a really delicate & light touch. They > are a pleasure to read. Maybe I shouldn't have asked "Why aren't you a writer", when in fact, Tak already *is* a writer. But I think his writing is so lovely that it would be really great to have more of it available, which is why I suggested a blog. Maybe "Betty's Blog"? :) Joyce >All of Tak's posts are written with a really delicate & light touch. They >are a pleasure to read. I'm glad that you enjoyed it, and didn't find it a chore to read. But I'm sometimes puzzled when people say that something I wrote was somehow creative, or even beautiful, particularly when I write an account like this. It feels to me, you see, as though I'm simply jotting down the facts. Nouns for the things I saw, verbs for the things I did, and adjectives for what they were like. A list. When I go back and look at what I wrote, it still looks like a list to me. Oh well. :) > >All of Tak's posts are written with a really delicate & light touch. They > >are a pleasure to read. > I'm glad that you enjoyed it, and didn't find it a chore to read. But > I'm sometimes puzzled when people say that something I wrote was > somehow creative, or even beautiful, particularly when I write an > account like this. > It feels to me, you see, as though I'm simply jotting down the facts. > Nouns for the things I saw, verbs for the things I did, and adjectives > for what they were like. A list. When I go back and look at what I > wrote, it still looks like a list to me. Oh well. :) That just means it's a natural gift. Some writers study and work to develop a style, and not to knock that, because it's well worth it in many cases. But you have a natural gift for observation and metaphor. Regardless of whether it feels like you're just reporting the facts, the truth is, you're still deciding which facts to put in and which to leave out. You might not be doing it conciously the way some writers do, but when you tell us that the dog was whimpering and crying, but not what your getting-cold breakfast consisted of, that's a choice nonetheless. I just think you have a nice gift for reporting the facts in a way that is touching to me, and evidently, to others, too. Joyce > That just means it's a natural gift. Some writers study and work to > develop a style, and not to knock that, because it's well worth it [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > reporting the facts in a way that is touching to me, and evidently, > to others, too. Perhaps "a flair for recognizing the important things in life." Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca > >All of Tak's posts are written with a really delicate & light touch. They > >are a pleasure to read. [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > for what they were like. A list. When I go back and look at what I > wrote, it still looks like a list to me. Oh well. :) You honestly do have a flair. I was a proofreader for many years and had to read some really horrible writing. By journalism majors no less. Your writing really is creative, and your descriptives *are* beautiful. That's why I thought you were a girl for so long. :-) Disclaimer: This post is not intended to offend anyone of either sex, particularly Tak. It does not make the claim that only females write pretty, or that there's anything wrong with being male. Or that males can't write pretty. Et cetera. Sherry >And, don't forget, you made another human being very happy to get their >dog back!! I know just how that person feels! Ah. I like this. A reverse-Smudge situation is much preferable to a reverse-Persia situation! (Persia insisted on coming into Jill's home after her dog Sampson died.) >And isn't it wonderful when you feel that thaw, for just a moment, a >spark of caring for another animal, when you thought you never could >again? > >Tak, why aren't you a writer???? That post was so beautifully written. >At least start a blog! :) Weeeel, I attended a product management workshop once on how to leverage blogs as a direct communication medium with end users. It sounded like too much work. :) > >Tak, why aren't you a writer???? That post was so beautifully written. > >At least start a blog! :) > Weeeel, I attended a product management workshop once on how to > leverage blogs as a direct communication medium with end users. It > sounded like too much work. :) Hey, you don't have to write the software. There are plenty of user blogs out there already. I was just suggesting that you find a place where you could post your own musings. Not that you construct the technical underpinnings from scratch. (Yes, you do post your musings here. It was just an idea. :)) Joyce > > >Tak, why aren't you a writer???? That post was so beautifully > > >written. At least start a blog! :) [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > technical underpinnings from scratch. (Yes, you do post your musings > here. It was just an idea. :)) You know, I started a blog, but the idea was to post really interesting stuff, and too often all I posted was "I ate mac and cheese today" kinds of stuff. It's really hard to sit down and write something thought-provoking on a regular basis. I have new respect for columnists. Apparently my last post was in April. Saying that I'd ridden my bike to work. So, yeah, not much of interest unless maybe you're in my immediate family. Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs > can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. Gosh, I dunno, Tak. I am a practical sort and don't believe in most omens, superstitions and such, but even I would do a double-take at a rabbit on Betty's porch. How often is THAT going to happen? I think it might have been Betty's doing. And it is VERY Unlike me to say something like that. The puppy dog, how neat! I *will* say that animals have a sixth sense about people. They know kind folks when they run across them. That dog had you pegged and knew you'd help him. Sherry >Gosh, I dunno, Tak. I am a practical sort and don't believe in most >omens, superstitions and such, but even I would do a double-take at a [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >about people. They know kind folks when they run across them. That dog >had you pegged and knew you'd help him. I thought it was neat too. It's neat the creatures that pass by and through. But it's still puzzling why they stopped by here. Particularly the dog today - she was *so* insistent! I think that she was a very social and needy sort of creature, and was as lost without her hoomins as worker bees are without a queen. Ah, you've got one.......one of what you ask? A large sign on your porch, visible only to animals in distress or in need of a kind word, saying a kind soul lives here. SignatureShirley http://community.webshots.com/user/shirleycatuk > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was [quoted text clipped - 51 lines] > dogs > can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs > can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. I think Betty has left an invisible "welcome" sign on her doorstep to make sure another warm, furry little creature finds the way into your heart. SignatureHugs, CatNipped See all my masters at: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped/ "Takayuki" wrote in message ... > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and dogs > can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. How lovely that the lost doggie came to your door. You know, Betty must have left a sign there for furry critters - "A Kind Purrson Lives Here". Hugs, Flippy. What a wonderful story Tak - you sound like you have a magnetic doorstep to all creatures small furry and adorable. That was really nice of you to dedicate yourself to finding the poor dog's home - I can imagine how happy they would be to have their dog back. What kind of rabbits to you have there? We have big jack rabbits in the neighbourhood. The last two times we've taken Sam out bike riding in the next court, a huge one has been eating grass in the middle island. We've had to scare it off both time because Chester, 2/3 the size of the rabbit, was slinking down creeping up on it. It's hard to imagine he was really serious about it. Susan M Otis and Chester > This morning, I found a little dog on my doorstep, begging furiously > and scratching at my door. When I opened the door to see what was the > matter, it came right inside, exploring all around the house. It was > a little dog, short black fur, and with a muscular shape and short > legs a bit like a bulldog, but no taller or longer than a housecat. > Today's little half-hour adventure cheered me up. It was something > like a little impromptu block party, and I felt caring and concern > for another furry being again. > > And I thought it was strange and wonderful that even rabbits and > dogs can be attracted to Betty's doorstep. A place of serenity and security. I wonder, Tak, would it ease your aching heart to start a vet care assistance fund called Betty's Doorstep? Signaturemonique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca > A place of serenity and security. > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca A Canadian cartoonist started such a fund in memory of her dog. Winnie > A place of serenity and security. > > I wonder, Tak, would it ease your aching heart to start a vet care > assistance fund called Betty's Doorstep? That's a really nice idea. It could be seeded with some of the funds I had set aside for Betty's care. I'm not sure how such a thing would get managed though, but I will think about it some more. > > A place of serenity and security. > > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > had set aside for Betty's care. I'm not sure how such a thing would > get managed though, but I will think about it some more. You might see if there is a local shelter you could work with. > > > A place of serenity and security. > > > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > > You might see if there is a local shelter you could work with. I think that's a wonderful idea. Shelters will certainly know where the greatest need is. I love the name "Betty's Doorstep" also. Sherry > > > > A place of serenity and security. > > > > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > I think that's a wonderful idea. Shelters will certainly know where the > greatest need is. I love the name "Betty's Doorstep" also. I love that too. It's just so so.... so Betty. >> > > A place of serenity and security. >> > > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > I think that's a wonderful idea. Shelters will certainly know where the > greatest need is. I love the name "Betty's Doorstep" also. Me too. It has a nice ring about it. Yowie >> A place of serenity and security. >> [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > thing would get managed though, but I will think about it some > more. I like it too. "Betty's Doorstep. All species welcome". SignatureCheryl |
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