Oh, if only that worked!

Did you ever read Joy Luck Club?  Even though I'm not Chinese, I felt
like I could identify strongly with the daughters, because my mom is
German and also in some ways grew up in a culture different from mine.
Every Amy Tan book I've read has been very good, and has given me
insight into family dynamics.

There's a scene where a daughter blows up at her mom for making her
miserable all the time.  The mom is joyous that her daughter gives her
so much importance and has been paying attention all this time.
Something like that.  It's been a while since I read it.  I never
totally understood what the mother was thinking, but I felt like it
represented something like my relationship with my mom.

OK, that was the easy out, but if you're uncomfortable with it there is only
one other way to deal with it - don't deal with it.  When she starts saying
something negative about you, don't argue, just say, "I'm sorry mom, I have
to go now (and if she doesn't get it after a few times add) - this
negativity is bad for me and my therapist told me to distance myself from
it, so bye!"  Then leave or hang up - EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  Don't argue your
point, just totally discount hers.

Monique, you're giving your mother *WAY* too much power over you.  People
will treat you exactly how you teach them to treat you.  If you keep
allowing her to upset you she will continue to do it because, obviously, she
likes having that power over you.  Sadly, the only way some people can feel
important is the negative effect they have over someone else and doing it to
their child is easy because of the dynamics of that relationship.  But it's
up to you to change those dynamics by acting like a grown-up and her equal
when you're around her.  Once she's sees that you *WILL NOT ALLOW* her to
treat you that way, and that she will have less and less time with you the
more she tries to treat you that way, believe me, she'll stop doing it.  If
she doesn't stop doing it, then it's time to start putting her out of your
life except for token calls.  I know that's harsh, but you have to think of
yourself and your family first.  [You *DO* know that IBD can be exacerbated
by emotional upsets, don't you?]

Ah, well, you must realise by now that mothers are "different."   The normal
rules of politeness do not apply to mother -> daughter interactions.  It's
perfectly okay, apparently, for our mothers to say exactly what they like to
us (but not okay in reverse...)
My mum often excused herself by saying  "I'm only telling you for your own
good."  I bet you get that one too.
I don't know what the answer is, there probably isn't one.  For a lot of
parents, as long as they are alive, you will be a child who has no common
sense and needs their opinion on everything.  It just doesn't seem possible
to them that you can make a good decision yourself!
When I lived at home, my mother was quite strict.  She had complete control
of everything, TV remote control, not allowed to help myself from the fridge
without asking, etc.  If I complained she used to say "Listen, this is *my*
house and I make the rules here,  when you have your own house *you* can
make the rules."   I really resented that.
However, many years later she came to stay with me.  In *my* house ;-)   I
had to say to her "please don't smoke upstairs in the bedroom, I want the
upstairs decorations to stay clean, come downstairs if you want a
cigarette."
She was really offended.  She said she liked to get up, make a cup of tea,
go back to bed and smoke a ciggie.  I said I knew she did, but I didn't
allow smoking upstairs and never had.  Oh, such a tantrum!  I was accused of
being inhospitable.  Sort of "you are my daughter, I want to do this so you
must let me."
I said "Sorry, this is my house and I make the rules here."  <g>
She actually remembered saying this to me so often and asked me if I was
doing it to get my own back.  I said no, I don't allow smoking upstairs in
my house, no-one is allowed, not just you.
It was pretty satisfying though ;-)

Tweed