A friend sent me this.

Joyce

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A Dog's Diary

5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper
hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact
indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that
no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him
in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having
overslept, shouting and waving his arms.

His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since
it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't
go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large
newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I
don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their
yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and
barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to
tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to
repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think
they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling
angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of
him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was
lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being
a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's
true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out
a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a
courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of
plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the
center. I don'twant to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two
inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and
was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been
covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of
Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.
I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes
my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized
he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was
fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I
was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is
our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat
scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily
displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg
with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his
obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last
month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found
outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let
him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my
attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile.
After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my
nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes,
and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let
Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul
mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and
rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he,
too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the
world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever
anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.