LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE
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Whoever said 'LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs. The
first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is
the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and
a dog at rest.

Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most
people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather
than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring
canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines
steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved
the center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked
under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very
effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes
preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping
couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs,
shove a sleeping human to the floor.

Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed.
As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your
sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought
possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping,
growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and
playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep
running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl
blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this
wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating
when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a
demented Daniel Boon cap.

Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The
night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not
claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of
dogflesh sleeps - breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too
soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive
and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself
inches from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains
excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could
romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion
of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes - you wake.

So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps
it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night -
safe, contented, heavy and loud.