Murphy's Mothers Laws
  €  Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and
when you don't..

  €  A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken
soup is cheaper.

  €  Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you
know about yourself.

  €  Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She
probably won't know either, but she will fake it.

  €  Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS
collection agent.

  €  The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it
will be to figure out which side this is.

  €  The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids
are rotten.

  €  If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you
didn't.

  €  The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the
best advice she ever gave you.

  €  If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you
don't repeat them.

  €  Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing
nothing.

  €  Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any
more of it.

  €  If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who
has changed your diapers.

  €  You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.

  €  Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away
with it.

  €  The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more
she resembles a webcam.

  €  The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your
mother.

  €  All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote
the book.

  €  Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.

  €  Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you
why it isn't.

  €  One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen
party, four is a bridge club.

  €  If you don't have time to study the drivers' manual, drive your
mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.

  €  When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you
remember what you wasted all your money on.

  €  The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she
will "save" it before she uses it.

  €  No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against
you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it
against you.

  €  No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother
will not offer you more food.

  €  If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or
the directions.

  €  The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the
greater the probability of rain.

  €  Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are
your own fault.

  €  Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you
will never be able to repay her for.

  €  Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after
you've already done it.

  €  The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it
is that mother will visit.

  €  No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than
you are.

  €  The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more
likely it is that she will try to give it to you.

  €  If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does
it, you should have done it yourself.

  €  You never are as good as other people's children. You are never
as bad as mom imagines.

  €  The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory
of the times you didn't take it.

  €  The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is
dirty.

  €  Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always
find something.

  €  If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't
doing it well.

  €  There are always two sides to a story - the way it really
happened and the way mother remembers it.

  €  Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do.

  €  Murphy's mother told him so.