As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly
threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course,
they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying
things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?"
"Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps
one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for
no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the
"vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for
Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front
door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after
Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling
panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set
Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except
that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa
by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually
flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began adminis- tering mouth
to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed
a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house