You're funny, Margret.

First of all, the stories.  This is not a contest, just a fun challenge.
 Write a story from a cat's point of view.  You can use any style, any
period of history, the cats can be real or fictional, but the story must
be from the cat's point of view.  Hoomins are optional.

Now the year's biggie.  The Christmas card list.  This is the fourth
year it has been done.  Bridget took it the first year; Gracecat the
second.  The two of them worked most of the kinks out so that last year
it was a breeze for me to do.

Basically, if you want to be swamped by cards from all over the world
and/or send cards all over the world, send me your snail mail address.
Please designate if you cannot send cards this year.  A lean year
happens to us all and we understand.  Please use the email address that
 you want the list to be sent to.  Then, in November, I send you a copy
of the snail addresses so you can send out cards.  Please, use whatever
family members, titles, or other honorifics you want others to address
you by as part of the snail address.  Unless there is an honest mistake,
I don't want to have to edit the whole address thing again.

The gathering at Toad Suck, Arkansas came about from my family's trip
across the USA and back.  We were meeting all sorts of wonderful people
and people were saying that they wished they could do the same.  So some
of us got to thinking, especially when Krista and Loen (British
Columbia) started helping us brainstorm.  I'd suggested Kansas City as
it was inconvenient for most of us, but Rob suggested Toad Suck,
Arkansas as it had struck all our fancy.

We came us with ideas for a Troll-Be-Que, story telling, swap and shop
(Christine in Albuquerque makes these way cool copper and stone hangie
things), guess the pet picture, goody basket raffle, shelter donations,
and so forth.

So now, it is up to us.  We need to decide what type of camping (group
or individual) we want to do.  Group camping we rent a section of a
campground and we can all be together in it.  Individual, the person
makes their own reservations and we basically all get together at an
agreed upon place.  Most campgrounds will let you use/rent a pavilion
for whatever time you want it.  Personally, I like the group camping
thing, as it lets us keep our craziness in one big place.  But I need
imput if I am going to go campground searching and find us a place to be
for the second week of July.  We also need people to help organize
entertainment, each ot the above mentioned activities (if we want to
have them) and so forth.  So I'm asking.  IS ANYBODY THERE?  DOES
ANYBODY CARE?  DOES ANYBODY SEE US CAMPING?

Pam S. making a bad paraphrase on 1776

Originally posted back in '99.

Pam requested stories from the cat's point of view. I haven't had time to
write a new one, but here's one from the past:

"Project Shmoggleberry"

Whilst finally cleaning out the litterbox (I have been very slack this past
fortnight) I found this note, with the following words written at the bottom
"Resignation rejected. Continue to observe and report back. More research
needs to be done to rid the world of the most vile of creatures. Your field
work is critical to this end. Extra danger money and a merit of Bravery will
be forwarded to you once you complete this assignment". Seems Shmoggleberry
doesn't like the latest addition to the family <BEG>

Project Shmoggleberry

Dear Sir,

I wish to advise you that I wish to tender my immediate resignation from
Project Shmoggleberry. I would appreciate it if you grant me this
resignation as soon as possible. The situation has become far too extreme,
and although I have excelled in Project Shmoggleberry for approximately
eight years, and have put up with many an adverse condition, the current
climate is too much for anyone to bear. Thankyou for your consideration. My
last report is below.

After the last report, the female of the house has smelt more strongly of
mating hormones than ever before. There has been some mention of "baby"
<human kitten> between the male and the female, although the male still
looks less than keen. I can only assume the female is about to come on her
first heat. It strange to think that the male isn't affected by the female
human's scent, perhaps he can't smell. Other visual clues have been present
that she is ready for her first litter. Much to my distaste, she has been
cuddling and crooning at me more often. Even biting her hard enough to cause
blood has not seemed to discourage her for long. Am I to become a substitute
for a kitten? Oh, perish the thought.

After yet another discussion about "baby", they went out for a long time,
leaving me alone to reconnoitre the internal teritory. I wish they could
understand the need for me to check the outside as well - they are too
stupid to realise there may be aliens outside I could do something about.
Nothing much has changed since the last report, including the state of the
litterbox. I have attempted to redress this situation with both the male and
the female, but they seem unnaturally deaf and mute when I do. The
conditions one must work in when out in the field! What I would do for a
proper toilet and someone to bathe me properly.

After their absence, they returned home with the most disgusting scent over
the both of them, the male one being especially pongy. I recognised the
smell of that most vulgar of creatures "dog". What on earth had they been
doing? The smell was almost too much to bear, and they even had the audacity
to think I would want to sit on them and contaminate my fur with the noxious
odour. The could at least have the decency to wash first. I had to put up
with that horrible stench for another 4 days before they finally did the
laundry. Have I noted that their outer fur is entirely removable for
washing, and that they place it into a big mechanical tongue/mouth to do so?
I'd like to see the cat that that machine was modelled on! I do feel sorry
for the humans though, they can't wash without help, and they often have no
sense of dignity whatsoever.

But I coped, as I have always done. Field officers are trained to cope with
anything, or so they say. I have been moved from territory to territory,
teased, force fed disgusting slop, ignored, yelled at, squirted with water,
forced to do my toiletries in a box, and have even had to bathe myself. But
I have collected valuable data on humans, particularly the strange
relationships this female has with males of her species. At least this male
is tolerable compared to the last, although none of them ever realise that
they are the objects of intense scrutiny. Indeed, I think that the ruse has
worked well, and that human society generally believes that we are merely
pets. Those grandiose scientist that set up this scheme way back then were
brilliant, and these humans so stupid and clumsy, I think that we will
continue our observations without the humans suspecting a thing for a very
long time to come.

More talk of "baby" has gone on all week. Do these people ever think of
anything interesting? However, on Thursday afternoon, when the female was
away on her regular schedule, the male presented me with the source of that
horrible stench. Perhaps the human male meant it as a sacrifice, for me to
extinguish quickly as he was incapable of doing it himself. Apparently not,
however, because as I went to kill the horrible creature, the male kicked me
away and drenched me yet again with that horrid fur-messing liquid. After a
few swipes, however, the "puppy", and even more idiotic form of "dog" seems
to have figured out that I am indeed the superior species, and bows to me
when I'm close. It even adds a bit of simpering and whining on occasion,
which I am due, of course. At least the "puppy" is aware of the proper order
of the universe.

What amazes me, however, is the way that the female in particular, but both
on occasions, croon and comfort the "puppy". It is a little less than my
size, yet the continually pick it up and hug the creature, oblivious to its
stench. It drools, and covers them with disgusting slobber, and yet they
seems to relish in it. It makes my stomach turn just watching them interact.
They seem to ignore me entirely, except of course to shout rude things at me
when the interloper stupidly tries to get too close to me. naturally, I can
defend myself as well as any field officer with as much training as myself,
and yet they yell at me like I am about to do something wrong. Nothing wrong
with removing the most vile and disgusting creature from the universe in my
eyes.

Other things of note. The creature is fed at least three meals a day, whilst
I have to beg for a mere two. I have stolen some of the "dog food" and have
found it far more delicious than the slop and gruel I am forced to consume.
When will the travesty end? Whilst I am forced to do my toiletries in a box,
the "puppy" appears to be permitted to go where it chooses. It has no
discretion whatsoever and even goes so far as to soil its own feet. Is it
yelled out, squirted at and put into solitary? No, and this is where I draw
the line. My territory, painstakingly marked and catalogued for 8 years has
now been contaminated by not just the smell of "puppy" that it exudes from
its crude, rough pelt, it has also been stained with its urine and faeces.
No matter what I do, I cannot clean the smell out of my fur, or keep the
area catalogued correctly. I believe it is beyond my original scope to put
up with such wretched conditions. The workplace conditions here are just too
much for any reasonable Superior Species to bear. No such conditions were
even hinted at in the Field Guide, the Survival Manual, or indeed, in Basic
Training. I am certain that this condition breaches my contract of
employment, and I request an upload to the mothership immediately. The Union
will be certain to hear about this.

Sincerely,

#*&!~%?

(aka "Shmoggleberry")

Send me your snail mail information.

Pam S.

Pam, we'd love to come to Toad Suck, health permitting. I don't ever plan
anything for that reason. So if we can come, it will be a last-minute deal and
we'd stay in a motel. However, we do have tons of camping
equipment/tents/cots/kitchen/tables/ all kinds of stuff that we'd be happy to
loan if someone wants to use it.
Please put me on the Meowy Kissmouse Holiday List. I've never done it before.

Sherry

Excellent idea.  Please send me your snail mail information for the
Holiday card list and I'll include it.

Pam S.

Sorry about the story.  Understand there are motels in the area, and you
need to send me an email with your snail address on it.

Thanks,
Pam S.