(forwarded to me, this is not a personal account)

I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram
appointment. I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the
waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so
comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there
and asked the man. "So...what are you here for?"

Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence, just as "Nurse Ratchet"
announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great..a
name to match the idiot."

I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one
side and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room
right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown.
Everything clearrrr?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me
crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than
60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and
everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop
back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and
move in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was
freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we
heard, then felt, "zap!" Complete darkness. "What?" I yelled. "Oh,
maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."

Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving are
you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy
puppy.... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall
lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk!"

Before I could shout "NO!", she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me,
half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life. After
exchanging polite, "Hi, how's it going," type greetings, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes...yes, we did, thanks."

"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh, I am
soooo sorry! The power came back on and I so totally forgot about
you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps...