ECONOMIC INSTRUMENTS
or
ON A WING AND A PURR
By Sqn Ldr G E Whitelam, Int 3, HQ STC
Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but
are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this
form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely
simple method which may be used by all.
Place a live cat[1] on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains
upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball
instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans[2] to determine if
a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to keep your
aircraft level en-route with complete accuracy and confidence.[3]
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of
the fact that any sensible[4] old duck will refuse to fly under
instrument conditions[5], it is only necessary to hurl your duck out
of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations on the cat and duck[6] method, but by
rigidly adhering to the check list a degree of success will be
achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your
passengers as well, and may leave an occasional tower operator with an
open mouth.
[1] Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the
time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the
cat at attention.
[2] Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time
washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll
followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most
unprofessional.
[3] Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used
up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose and will be
more dependable. Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character
because you may want to spend time with her.
[4] Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using
the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane
without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
[5] Get a duck with good eyes. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to
recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into
the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they
have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting
position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an
aeroplane.
[6] Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with
geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent
instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that
you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or
Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a
goose.